I resonate a lot with this. In a way I've been the controlling one, because I'm loud and angry and lack empathy in these intermittent bursts. It takes a lot of wariness to make sure I don't go off blowing up my relationships whenever I get a little upset. Spent a long time not dating because I felt like I was going crazy.
It feels like I hinge my wellness on the people I care about, like I expect them to fix my problems. And when they don't, because they can't, I spiral. Being alone is so much easier.
Do you experience the same kinda thing with friends as well as romantic relationships? For me its both. Which is why I don't have a lot of friends lol
Yes, I have experienced this. I was always in a relationship between ages 18-35 (with 7 different people). I think I wanted to "control" myself by using other people to help regulate my emotions (like if they are happy I deserve to be happy and if they say something I do is making them unhappy I can change for them and we will both feel happy). My childhood fucked me up. I always have this feeling of just wanting to feel safe, happy and not constantly being in survival mode suffering.
I try to be alone but not lonely because I ache for validation from others and certain people can sense that and use it agaist me, so I'm trying to learn to validate myself.
I have a curse... where others always want to be my friend but I feel unworthy, like an imposter syndrome. Like if they knew the "real" me they would not want me around.
When I have "friends" alot of times it's only to validate and support the other person, without any expectation they will ask me how I am or validate me. Those are mostly the kinds of "friends" I have because they know I'll give and not take. I'm everyone's therapist. I'm ok with that dynamic because I don't ever want to be addicted to others validation again but I really do care about the suffering of others.
I'm so tired of living my life with my bpd, I feel so guilty whenever it affects my kids and husband. I feel like I'm everything wrong and nothing right.
It's tough. It can make you act selfish when really you don't want to hurt the ones you love. You spend so much of your time and energy trying to protect/fight yourself and others from your reactions and perceived faults. I feel like so many people with BPD have so much empathy and compassion but it gets mixed up and lost when dealing with emotional scars and self-judgments.