Made a post the other day about chickening out of buying rope. Well, I went back and bought it. Nobody questioned me at all, was a completely normal transaction. It's nylon rope, 50ft, the package said it could hold well over my body weight. I've hidden it now, hopefully my family doesn't find it or I'm fucked. With my luck, they probably will.
I was feeling kind of queasy on the car ride home, thinking about how this is the first time I've ever taken a step towards actually ctbing. This has been something I've thought about my entire life, and now it's a material reality, something I paid for and can literally hold in my hand. It's the jump from being passively suicidal to actively suicidal.
Thinking about it now, I feel both nervous and absolutely stoked. I still haven't picked a date just yet, but I cannot fucking WAIT to get out of here, I can't even tell you. I've lived a completely meaningless, painful, unnecessary life. I've gone through some shit nobody should have to go through, though most of my problems are because of my own bad decisions. I am probably going to stick around for a couple months just to see what happens, but I have a way out now. I can do it any time I want, and that feels great. It's finally almost over.
I was feeling kind of queasy on the car ride home, thinking about how this is the first time I've ever taken a step towards actually ctbing. This has been something I've thought about my entire life, and now it's a material reality, something I paid for and can literally hold in my hand. It's the jump from being passively suicidal to actively suicidal.
Thinking about it now, I feel both nervous and absolutely stoked. I still haven't picked a date just yet, but I cannot fucking WAIT to get out of here, I can't even tell you. I've lived a completely meaningless, painful, unnecessary life. I've gone through some shit nobody should have to go through, though most of my problems are because of my own bad decisions. I am probably going to stick around for a couple months just to see what happens, but I have a way out now. I can do it any time I want, and that feels great. It's finally almost over.
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