Borderline reluctant recovery thread

[BluesRunTheGame]

I titled this thread as I did because I still see that this life is meaningless and mostly suffering. I am riddled with mental illness - OCD, depression and anxiety - as well as having a hearty addiction to alcohol, and none of that's ever going to change, even if I got sober (I've tried it).

But I still have good days and the good of the addiction currently outweighs the bad. I still very much enjoy the booze in between abstinent days (it used to be everyday) and especially with the company of women and I love pubs and miss bartending, to an extent.

I live in the city I love and my brother lives here too and I'm still close to the rest of my family elsewhere. I am also a birder so sometimes get to escape the city for nature breaks. On top of that I write and have been planning a novel since last July about mental health, which would be great if I could finish (though I'm still just deep into planning lol).

I live in supported accommodation and am allowed to get a part-time job so I figure I'll try and get one in bartending and see how I feel then, having been NEET for two years, however crazily anxious I am about it. I had an incredible night out on Monday, which basically showed me that I'm not done with the bar scene yet. Alas I also had terrible rebound depression yesterday but like I say there is enough potential at least for there to be enough good to, if not outweigh, certainly mollify the suffering.

But we shall see. Today I woke up feeling positive so I decided to write this. Tomorrow who knows?

 

[BlankUser]

I am riddled with mental illness - OCD, depression and anxiety - as well as having a hearty addiction to alcohol, and none of that's ever going to change, even if I got sober (I've tried it).

Are you me? Basically, what you described is what I'm feeling everyday. Severe OCD, social anxiety and depression + alcohol addiction. But I'm still hanging on. I'm trying to better myself, I'm trying to be active, because activities help to reduce OCD. I think a part time job is a really good thing. I felt better when I had a part time job. Full time job can be really challenging, because it takes too much of your day, too much focus, but a part time job can be really helpful, because you're not so overwhelmed.

 

[western_heart]

I'd worry that working in a bar could lead to more, possibly too much drinking?

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

I'd worry that working in a bar could lead to more, possibly too much drinking?

There's a risk of course, but I'm looking for very much part-time only and I haven't been an everyday drinker since receiving treatment in 2019. I'll be open to other jobs as well I think but I appreciate the informal, non-corporate nature of bar work.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best with your recovery, mental illness can be really hard to cope with, as we cannot control how we feel and our moods can change. This life can be so unpredictable and so much can go wrong so I understand why you are reluctant to recover.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm so happy to hear that in spite of all the sh*t, you can still have good days!!
The same is happening to me!!!

I have hellish days but can still experience amazing days such as THE WEEKENDS!!! (Just gotta kick Friday's as* and I'm done lol)

I dunno if I'll drink this Sat because of my f*cked up stomach but I think I will probably just go for it so, if you're planning on drinking that day, CHEERS!!!

Hugs and love,

Your argentine drinking buddy,

Matt

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Today I spent avoiding housemates. I even turned down a drink 'cause I know I'm getting drunk with my brother tomorrow and don't wanna spoil that. For I have to get drunk when I have a drink, which is tricky because I am too depressed to socialise without one. So unless you catch me on one of my hard drinking days I'm gonna be on my own in room thanks, ignoring messages and talking to no one.

I just need timing to work perfectly so I can socialise, get a job and get drunk all in the same day. Then people will like me more and I'll have a job, at which point I would have more money to drink more and then even more people will be more likely to catch me wanting to socialise. Thus my social life could then develop and I'd have more people to drink with. Although I quite like drinking alone. Maybe a gf who is a hard drinker is the goal? I don't know.

Anyway just thinking out loud; this had been quite cathartic to write, thanks for reading.

I can't wait to drink to oblivion tomorrow.