Birthdays, yeah. I will be be 47 next Saturday, and just got hit by a wave of "will I make it to 47?"
I always felt 50 was my upper limit, but I don't even think I'll hit that goalpost, and don't want to. No friends or family to celebrate it with, nothing to anticipate. And don't want the world going to hell in the meantime, the way things are now. 47, 50...Just another number, just another year. (Ironically, I didn't have the means for a peaceful death in my darkest hour. Now I do, but not the urgent drive. Just numbness and world-weary loneliness.)
Was thinking about an extra recommended dental cleaning appointment scheduled in August, but want to wait til the next 6 month interval in December. But then, will I even be around, then?
I could go whenever I'm ready. But I don't want to rush it this week, either. I have a project I am trying to finish up that started last year. It's close to completion. And yet, my enthusiasm for that is quickly evaporating, too.
Been having a lot of chest pain lately. Probably from IBC, except it's stronger and more prolonged than what I'm used to from that. Thought it might have been from the JJ vaccine. If it were a heart attack, I'd let it happen, take the choice out of my hand.
I just lied down for 5 minutes before going back to work. Felt heavy, like lead. Didn't want to move.
Just in a weird place at the moment, in limbo, because whether I do, or I don't, it's no difference in the grand scheme of things.
Like my screen name says, "I'm just sittin' here, watching the wheel go round and round..."
But today is Friday, and half-way through the work day. I'll probably feel better after work, this momentary feeling will probably pass by then. "This, too, shall pass..."
