Venting being transgender is sadder than I thought

[loslassen]

I suppose you could say this is a part 2 to my last thread.

I opted to coming out to my family and friends, and while I received simple support from most, the people closest to me seem to have the most issues with this. I'm trying really hard to figure out who I am at all, and going through gender identity fluctuations is nothing more but a part of it. It's not like I've decided to fully transition, but the changes in my life so far feel good one after the other (like clothing, hair, pronouns) until I see family's faces, hear family's words.

I just end up feeling so fucking embarrassing, the little good I feel about the changes I make just vanishes when somebody I love slightly squints their eyes, or bring out how I might just be going though a phase. I'm not a child, I don't understand where the words come from as if I'm naive enough or as if it's even possible to do "irreversible changes" to myself like testosterone or a mastectomy as if that stuff doesn't take months or years to effectuate. I try to be informed in all perspectives, medical, social, transitioned and de-transitioned alike, but all of that stuff is for me to figure out as I experiment with this new part of myself, and to be frank, everything has been feeling great so far. I don't know what to do.

I know I hate my body, I hate how I look and I hate how I'm perceived, I can't stand wearing tights clothing now that I have short hair. I feel ugly when I try to be feminine in a girly way, even though I enjoy being feminine in a boyish way, if that makes sense. I suffer just existing in this body. I need to do something fast. and that's how I end up allowing the self hatred become strong enough to let any small inconvenience trigger me and self harm.

I just hate myself so much recently, I feel so embarrassing.

 

[soonnotkoei]

this is, unfortunately, kind of the norm for trans folk, which im deeply saddened at how many people suffer from it. some people just suck, and obviously its not your fault. that is all that you need to know, it's not your fault.

 

[NihilDoll]

A good friend of mine is facing similar issues.
Raised rather conservatively and thus, large parts of the support network they have is also rather conservative.
And one day, they just broke down. It hit like lightning that who they thought they might be might have been just what others wanted them to be.
They started an introspective self discovery journey with all the usual hurdles you can imagine.

As for the "It might just be a phase" thing.
Try to see it from their perspective. Queerness, in all of its forms, is incredibly hard to understand from the outside.
You, yourself said that you're experiencing fluctuations, that you're not (yet?) committing to transition.
To an outsiders, that may very well seem like a phase. You're experimenting, you're trying to find your self.
I fully sympathise with this dead horse of a phrase making you feel awful, but it may not necessarily be said in a mean spirited way.
They may see you fluctuating and from their (ignorant) perspective, telling you that "it may be a phase" (a.e. you may find stability eventually) may actually be meant comforting.

Try to focus on yourself. This is YOUR journey and no one else's. You're trying to find yourself.
And i think it's worth telling others that.
If your family tells you "It might be just a phase", talk about it. Heck, it very well might be, or it might not. But that's what this journey is about. To find that out.
Because the end goal is to discover who YOU are. And you should make that clear.
This isn't a fad, this isn't some trend, this is you trying to figure out who you are, seeking your own happiness. Nothing more, nothing less.
And there might be some left turns in it, but that's all part of it.
It wouldn't be a self discovery journey if everyone started at the finish line.

YOU matter. The you you're trying to discover matters.
Tell them to stop worrying about it "being a phase" and to start helping you find that out yourself.

I wish you all the best on your journey!
Your post contains more strength, bravery and levels of understanding than you might realize.
You got this! It's a bumpy road, so brace yourself. How you get there isn't important. Focus on the finish line, and that's finding YOU.