I had always known something was wrong with me, even beyond the bipolar disorder I've only recently figured out wasn't just depression.
And then the epiphany came. I am trans. I'm a woman. I jumped for joy the day it finally clicked.
But, the very next feeling I felt was dread. I had always considered myself a trans ally, and all that hatred for trans people I'd absorbed came rushing back to me.
Over the next few weeks any time I'd research anything even vaguely trans related I'd be bombarded be transphobia. News articles, random bigots in comment sections, or even just fellow trans people reposting bigotry in an attempt to make fun of it, only to spread the hate it provided.
Maybe it sounds silly to some people, but I'm an incredibly sensitive and empathetic person. It made me want to not exist.
So, I tore myself away from the internet, only to find that because my parents had moved me back over to the UK at 19 I not only had no friends, but no way to make them. My entire town has literally zero young adult groups.
So I chased 'happiness'. Transition. For a while it even worked. But, I'm no idiot. My face structure is not one that'll ever look passing, even with HRT. It can't change my jawbone or press my forehead back.
I had been an empty husk of a person that had pretty much done nothing, not even self care, for 2 whole years. But, I think that had been a way of my brain protecting itself from the far worse pain of dysphoria. Before I just hadn't looked at my face. Now I look at it and cry.
I consider myself strong in the same way bricks are. Resilient but liable to crack. As a couple examples I self inject some of my drugs through private care, and I'm writing this while commuting for the fourth hour today back from my 9-6 (it's usually 'just' 3 hours a day but delays). But, my strength is showing signs of failing me.
The hardest thing I realised recently is that even if my transition goes perfectly I will just be at the same baseline as a cis woman. Except a cis woman wouldn't have to pay out of pocket for it nor face abuse of the masses. She wouldn't have to struggle for years just to get to the same baseline in a world that hates her.
I'm in pain, and I can't handle it. I don't know if I even want to see how it goes for the next few years anymore. I don't want to fight through this for that long. When I'm depressive it just gets too much.
For years and years I had an intense thantophobia but I have realised recently that it has gone away entirely. If I could just press a button and go asleep forever I wouldn't hesitate.
I've tried so many times to get help. Explaining my situation over and over only to be prescribed another drug that makes me worse, or told I can't be helped. I've tried a dozen medications and a lot of therapy, and all of it has only made it worse.
The saying goes that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but when I've screamed out for a solution dozens of times and been offered none each time a girl loses hope.
I'm going to keep trying for now. But honestly, if anything gets worse I'm CTB. I haven't even touched on my family being abusive nor my anxiety and autism.
And then the epiphany came. I am trans. I'm a woman. I jumped for joy the day it finally clicked.
But, the very next feeling I felt was dread. I had always considered myself a trans ally, and all that hatred for trans people I'd absorbed came rushing back to me.
Over the next few weeks any time I'd research anything even vaguely trans related I'd be bombarded be transphobia. News articles, random bigots in comment sections, or even just fellow trans people reposting bigotry in an attempt to make fun of it, only to spread the hate it provided.
Maybe it sounds silly to some people, but I'm an incredibly sensitive and empathetic person. It made me want to not exist.
So, I tore myself away from the internet, only to find that because my parents had moved me back over to the UK at 19 I not only had no friends, but no way to make them. My entire town has literally zero young adult groups.
So I chased 'happiness'. Transition. For a while it even worked. But, I'm no idiot. My face structure is not one that'll ever look passing, even with HRT. It can't change my jawbone or press my forehead back.
I had been an empty husk of a person that had pretty much done nothing, not even self care, for 2 whole years. But, I think that had been a way of my brain protecting itself from the far worse pain of dysphoria. Before I just hadn't looked at my face. Now I look at it and cry.
I consider myself strong in the same way bricks are. Resilient but liable to crack. As a couple examples I self inject some of my drugs through private care, and I'm writing this while commuting for the fourth hour today back from my 9-6 (it's usually 'just' 3 hours a day but delays). But, my strength is showing signs of failing me.
The hardest thing I realised recently is that even if my transition goes perfectly I will just be at the same baseline as a cis woman. Except a cis woman wouldn't have to pay out of pocket for it nor face abuse of the masses. She wouldn't have to struggle for years just to get to the same baseline in a world that hates her.
I'm in pain, and I can't handle it. I don't know if I even want to see how it goes for the next few years anymore. I don't want to fight through this for that long. When I'm depressive it just gets too much.
For years and years I had an intense thantophobia but I have realised recently that it has gone away entirely. If I could just press a button and go asleep forever I wouldn't hesitate.
I've tried so many times to get help. Explaining my situation over and over only to be prescribed another drug that makes me worse, or told I can't be helped. I've tried a dozen medications and a lot of therapy, and all of it has only made it worse.
The saying goes that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but when I've screamed out for a solution dozens of times and been offered none each time a girl loses hope.
I'm going to keep trying for now. But honestly, if anything gets worse I'm CTB. I haven't even touched on my family being abusive nor my anxiety and autism.
