4hours-of-goobing
Member
- Mar 31, 2025
- 5
my friend has been (very rightfully) worried sick about her suicidal boyfriend and it is crushing to be there for her - i can't help but imagine how devastated and sidelined she would feel when i finally CTB. she only knows that i have ideations and i don't have any intention of suggesting that they are more than passing or that i have a method and means and intentions to. i am always dragging around a private inner world of suicidal intention and convictions. i can never seem to translate my reasons or specific trauma into something intelligible for others to understand. when i tell individual people in my life, i just end up hurting them and or feeling misunderstood or being betrayed.
i don't think my close friends understand what CTB means for me, i am grateful that they are at least sympathetic to it as a reflection of unresolved, unremitting suffering. so they see it as an anomaly of an otherwise ordinary experience of human condition. but i really think i am destined to kill myself, even when i am happy, and in the presence of people that care about me. my existence does not feel completely bleak, i'm lucky to have transitioned and grown into someone i feel is worth protecting and cherishing. sometimes i imagine CTB as a way to preserve that personhood intact, before my living situation and material circumstances turn against me, before i have to stay alive for someone else. i think i'm incurable. i don't want to be hospitalized again and endure the cruelty and abuse of authority that i experienced when i was younger. i genuinely just think i am supposed to kill myself. i'm lucky to have gotten what i have, but i essentially have no economically useful skills, education, career to leverage. i fantacize a lot about being spirited away by someone i trust to somewhere less politically and economically fraught, less decorated by personal traumatic associations, idk i m stupid. sorry for disorganized thoughts. i didn't have anywhere i felt comfortable venting tonight and i want to get more access in sasu by posting, despite being here for almost a year.
i don't think my close friends understand what CTB means for me, i am grateful that they are at least sympathetic to it as a reflection of unresolved, unremitting suffering. so they see it as an anomaly of an otherwise ordinary experience of human condition. but i really think i am destined to kill myself, even when i am happy, and in the presence of people that care about me. my existence does not feel completely bleak, i'm lucky to have transitioned and grown into someone i feel is worth protecting and cherishing. sometimes i imagine CTB as a way to preserve that personhood intact, before my living situation and material circumstances turn against me, before i have to stay alive for someone else. i think i'm incurable. i don't want to be hospitalized again and endure the cruelty and abuse of authority that i experienced when i was younger. i genuinely just think i am supposed to kill myself. i'm lucky to have gotten what i have, but i essentially have no economically useful skills, education, career to leverage. i fantacize a lot about being spirited away by someone i trust to somewhere less politically and economically fraught, less decorated by personal traumatic associations, idk i m stupid. sorry for disorganized thoughts. i didn't have anywhere i felt comfortable venting tonight and i want to get more access in sasu by posting, despite being here for almost a year.
