Venting Being pathetic one last time

[princeseadove]

I decided to message a friend about everything and anything regarding our charscters tigether. It feels pathetic, I must have sent dozens of messages already with no read or answer… but I want to get it off my chest. I don't have an audience or anyone to really share it off.. I mean I do but it feels so meaningless now. @ some point I begin to accept my death, fully. They are things I won't be seeing or hearing or experiencing. My life will end, so that's why I tell him all that I have thought of. I am tired, of trying. I know now, I haven't really tried. I am moving, I'll get a fresh new start, I have joined discord servers and what not. But I always distance myself anyways. It's really my fault. Somebody in a fandom I'm in, committed suicide last Friday for similar reasons to me. And I saw how they were shamed and called a sinner by their family, and I know it'll be the same for me. Through their death, I saw my own. I wasnt sad, I just thought I'll be joining them soon. It makes me really sad that I can't properly mourn… but that comes with being mentally ill I suppose. I can't restart, I can't continue... I don't want to. And unlike yukfa I won't be missed for my writing or srt.. I hardly have any. I'll just die. But I don't need to be remembered. I'll rather everyone forget it all so I know my death will be justified.

I continue to message my friend even thru writing this, I have the feeling I'm being ignored. I think I am, but that's okay… these feelings and being so pathetic and hideous will end

 

[Jadeith]

I know now, I haven't really tried.

You did. That's why you're tired.

But I always distance myself anyways. It's really my fault.

Incorrect. Any human interaction requires 2 or more people. It won't work when it is only you who's trying. And "crowds" like Discord aren't best places to find genuine connections. not because it is bad place and bad people. It's because it is very easy to get overlooked in any crowd.

Somebody in a fandom I'm in, committed suicide last Friday

Sorry for your loss

I saw how they were shamed and called a sinner by their family

Ah, yes. loving, understanding, supportive family. Faults everywhere but not in themselves.

It makes me really sad that I can't properly mourn…

Then, let's do it here. Together.
Here: ['] a little flickering flame of memory. And this memory of your friend will live as long as you let it burn inside you.

And unlike yukfa I won't be missed for my writing or srt..

You will be missed for sth else then. But you will be missed. And don't lie to yourself that you won't.

I'll rather everyone forget it all so I know my death will be justified.

Yup, i dream of something similar. Be forgotten so noone would get hurt when i finally stop breathing. Doesn't work that way unfortunately. There's always that at least one mf that you wouldn't even suspect that they would be missing you. As the song goes..... "isn't it ironic? Don't you think?"

 

[princeseadove]

You did. That's why you're tired.

Incorrect. Any human interaction requires 2 or more people. It won't work when it is only you who's trying. And "crowds" like Discord aren't best places to find genuine connections. not because it is bad place and bad people. It's because it is very easy to get overlooked in any crowd.

Sorry for your loss

Ah, yes. loving, understanding, supportive family. Faults everywhere but not in themselves.


Then, let's do it here. Together.
Here: ['] a little flickering flame of memory. And this memory of your friend will live as long as you let it burn inside you.

You will be missed for sth else then. But you will be missed. And don't lie to yourself that you won't.


Yup, i dream of something similar. Be forgotten so noone would get hurt when i finally stop breathing. Doesn't work that way unfortunately. There's always that at least one mf that you wouldn't even suspect that they would be missing you. As the song goes..... "isn't it ironic? Don't you think?"

It's better enough, ironically enough. I can do this ans do that. I tried so so hard, that I forget all the attempts that I had made. But what if it's not enough? That's what I ask myself everyday, but… wuth no support there's little that can be done. I wasnt close with yukfa unfortunately, I hardly knew her and I can't consider her a friend… however I adored her art. She was really talented and kind from what I have seen. It was a true loss in the community, but all I can do is think about my own death. What right do I have to mourn her?

I wanted to be known for my art and writing as well, but due to my depression I hardly done anything. And all the things I did and posted will be forgotten about eventually. I know afe who will be truly torn up about it, and sometimes I really relish on the thought that I'll be causing them pain… but sometimes like this time, I'll rather be forgotten.

 

[Jadeith]

But what if it's not enough?

You are still here, no? That fight, depression and all is not sth you win once and be done with it. It's a long, exhausting campaign. And it cannot be predicted that things you do now will be enough in the future. But then again, it also cannot be predicted that they won't be. So far they were enough as you are still here and fighting.

What right do I have to mourn her?

Same as i do, though i've never met her or seen her art. It is natural to mourn another's passing. Especially when we both know her end was premature and caused by great suffering.

And all the things I did and posted will be forgotten about eventually.

Maybe they will be, Maybe they won't, at least not immediately. You'll never know for sure if your creation moved someone's heart to a pooint that they will carry memory of you to the grave.

I really relish on the thought that I'll be causing them pain…

Just keep in mind that "revenge" suicide almost never works. Those who wronged you most probably will be at least indifferent to your death. It's the ones who care about you that will suffer.