So, I've been trying to get the energy and courage together to respond to this post. If all the posts it's the one that grabs me. I am almost 50 years old and for the last year I have had no contact with my 22 yr old daughter. Her choice, not mine. She needed the space from feeling the burden of caring for me..course I didn't think she had to care for me that often and I was as contientous as I could be in when I would get sick making sure someone else cared for her but the damage was done. I love that girl to death. She is the only reason I chose to keep living when I wanted to be dead so much. I used her and knew I was doing that, that at some point the darkness would come back and own me again. I knew I would eventually give up fighting against such an evil force. But I'm also so glad I didn't give in before now. Every fucking moment of joy I squeezed from life means one less moment they(my absures)/it(mental disease) took away from me!! I know that while my daughter's life wasn't easy, it also wasn't near as bad as mine. I made a dent in the cycle. Wanted it to be a bigger dent but it's was the right direction and I'm proud. I also think she pushed me away because she knows what's coming and is trying to cushion the blow. And cuz she is stubborn like me and wants to prove her independence. All good shit. She is a great girl and of course I'm worried about my death and how it will effect her, but I do think she will have more resources now as an adult to deal then if I had succeeded when she was on 6mo that old or at 3 yrs old or even at 9 when it cropped up again and let's not forget at 15.....I'm not stupid. Of course I damaged her by my illnesses. But I also loved her best I could AND she saw me fight this fucking horror of a thing that took over my mind and she saw me fight it hard. I hope that's a lesson I taught her, to not give up easily. She also became very sensitive and empathetic. My illness didn't only hurt her, it did leave her with some good stuff eventually. It's all I have to cling to and I do hope we can talk again before I ctb. I want one more chance to give her opportunity to tell me how she feels and what might help. Maybe I even want her to have the chance to just get pissed and angry. Whatever her journey needs to look like I'm ok with. But I also know I don't have much left in me. And I have always curved my world around her needs as much as my illness let me. I'm doing this for me. I want to be done cuz I'm so tired and I think I gave it a good enough go. Course she will be sad but I also hope she will understand, she has lived this torture with me.
I would never presume to judge ANYONE who ctb's because I know what a struggle it is. Do I think children are ever better off without their mom's/dad's?? Sure, sometimes but only if they are hurting them severely. Maybe this is not a popular opinion but it's honest..for me I didn't hurt her bad enough to make me being gone be better for her. Yes they see sadness and mood swings and they feel a burden too young of caring for us. All that sucks but I don't think it's the same as actually abuse. So I guess even though I know how hard it is I also know there are still some things you can teach your child and even prepare them for with your eventually death. Isn't that some of our responsibility as a parent?? I know it's a slippery slope cuz by my judging myself it sounds like I judge you. If you cannot carry on,.you cannot carry on. If I had the health issues back then on top of the mental shit there is no way I would have survived so how can I say what someone else can handle?? But I do say grasp every moment you can with them and prepare them best you can. If you need to be numb from stupid medication but it gives you another week with them, I think it's a good thing!! Whatever time they have is another moment to love them through for when they don't have us anymore. Least I hope it works like that ;)
I am so sorry you ladies (op and red) are hurting so bad right now. If you need to use your kids for your kids I hope you do! And if you can't then maybe set them up with someone who can really support them through this, cuz once your pain is over theirs starts, sorry to be blunt...and if you wanna chat with another mom who gets it I'm willing. Not alot of energy to play nice these days but I do get how messy life gets....
Whatever you choose please know it's yours to make...and even if this sounds prolife it's more more prochild I guess. I totally respect anyones choice and feel like the only time I'm allowed an opinion is if I can step in your shoes and life your life for you. Sorry but no thanks mines enough! So hopefully you don't hear judgement just my heart feeling for ya!
