Venting Being a parent?

[LasttoKnow]

Well, this is probably going to get me kicked from this site, but since you're asking about a child you'll be leaving behind, I have some real world experience to put down.

I had a friend who killed herself. She was 27, bipolar (among some other things she suffered) and had a 9 year old son. She went off to a hotel one day, and ended her life.
His life has pretty much been hell since. While your child's age will make for some key differences from what happened to him, overall affects are hard to say. It took him a couple years to understand what had really happened, that mommy wasn't just 'gone'. During that time he lived with his father, who had been divorced from his mother. Things went about as you'd expect from that, and after I think it was 2 years, he was moved to grandparents. During time there, paperwork problems put him in foster care on and off. This whole section I'd guess won't be a direct problem for your child, but being a minor, their living place isn't going to be as stable as you may think.

A few years later when he actually understood that mommy killed herself is when things went to hell. His behavior in school became horrible and was held back, there were a lot of problems at home, it's like what you'd expect form a TV show.
He's 16 now and tried to kill himself this year.

Anyone here who used to be on a google group 'asm' for this might have known 'LAV123', but probably didn't know she had a son. There is absolutely no predicting how badly they will take it and how it will affect their lives forever.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

Well, this is probably going to get me kicked from this site, but since you're asking about a child you'll be leaving behind, I have some real world experience to put down.

I had a friend who killed herself. She was 27, bipolar (among some other things she suffered) and had a 9 year old son. She went off to a hotel one day, and ended her life.
His life has pretty much been hell since. While your child's age will make for some key differences from what happened to him, overall affects are hard to say. It took him a couple years to understand what had really happened, that mommy wasn't just 'gone'. During that time he lived with his father, who had been divorced from his mother. Things went about as you'd expect from that, and after I think it was 2 years, he was moved to grandparents. During time there, paperwork problems put him in foster care on and off. This whole section I'd guess won't be a direct problem for your child, but being a minor, their living place isn't going to be as stable as you may think.

A few years later when he actually understood that mommy killed herself is when things went to hell. His behavior in school became horrible and was held back, there were a lot of problems at home, it's like what you'd expect form a TV show.
He's 16 now and tried to kill himself this year.

Anyone here who used to be on a google group 'asm' for this might have known 'LAV123', but probably didn't know she had a son. There is absolutely no predicting how badly they will take it and how it will affect their lives forever.

It won't get you kicked off the site your just stating facts. I actually feel like I needed some cold hard facts. My son doesn't have a father in his life so yes I would be leaving him parentless and the thought of that makes me feel physically sick. That I'm even contemplating that is just awful. Today I've been very tearful but I asked my son for a cuddle I stared right into his eyes and I knew I couldn't do this, well not today anyway. I can't promise I won't get one of those urges again and follow through but I promise today I will as the quote from Elizabeth Taylor goes " pour yourself a drink, put some lipstick on and pull yourself together"

Ironic isn't it. That we are here as pro choice site but the members on here actually encourage you stay and get help. Thank you for your message I actually did need that wake up call!

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi @Whatiwantiswhatiwas I have just been reading through and wanted to send you love and a hug. I'm so sorry I can't be more useful, I feel bad that you are in so much pain xxx You have been patience itself with your gp and your medication - it's so frustrating when some GPs just won't help and try things like mood stabilisers etc when that might really help you. Are you U.K. based? If so, have a read of the NICE guidelines on treatment for various things so you can "steer" your gp in the direction you want to go.

Venlafaxine is supposed to be a top drawer choice but only works as as SNRI at a higher dose.

Wishing you all the very best xxx

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

Hi @Whatiwantiswhatiwas I have just been reading through and wanted to send you love and a hug. I'm so sorry I can't be more useful, I feel bad that you are in so much pain xxx You have been patience itself with your gp and your medication - it's so frustrating when some GPs just won't help and try things like mood stabilisers etc when that might really help you. Are you U.K. based? If so, have a read of the NICE guidelines on treatment for various things so you can "steer" your gp in the direction you want to go.

Venlafaxine is supposed to be a top drawer choice but only works as as SNRI at a higher dose.

Wishing you all the very best xxx

Thank you very much for your message. I absolutely feel so blessed right now to have so many of you understand the pain and being there to listen and reach out. Yes I am UK based. I've only been on Venlafaxine afew days as I was on sertaline 100mg up until Monday but according to the GP my depression test thing I came out worse then I was previously. Are you currently taking anything?sending you a hug also. Xxx

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thank you very much for your message. I absolutely feel so blessed right now to have so many of you understand the pain and being there to listen and reach out. Yes I am UK based. I've only been on Venlafaxine afew days as I was on sertaline 100mg up until Monday but according to the GP my depression test thing I came out worse then I was previously. Are you currently taking anything?sending you a hug also. Xxx

Thank you for the hug :-)
I am quite lucky as my gp is very forthright, shall we say, so we chat a bit about various things. Sertraline is one of the cheapest anti-depressants so, alongside citalopram, it gets perscribed most in the U.K. For many people it's not very good at all. Venlafaxine is superior, more expensive so not often prescribed here and you have to up it slowly but - fingers crossed - and my toes! It will work for you xx some people go up to 300 plus mg on it.

It's such a shame that mental health services are a postcode lottery :-( As for a "telephone assessment" that's just staggering - you can tell so much more from a person's demeanour in person; eye contact, state of dress, personal care etc.

Hang on in there, sweetheart xxxx

 

[RainAndSadness]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say because I only ever was responsible for myself but I hope you find a way to minimize the pain.

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

Thank you for the hug :-)
I am quite lucky as my gp is very forthright, shall we say, so we chat a bit about various things. Sertraline is one of the cheapest anti-depressants so, alongside citalopram, it gets perscribed most in the U.K. For many people it's not very good at all. Venlafaxine is superior, more expensive so not often prescribed here and you have to up it slowly but - fingers crossed - and my toes! It will work for you xx some people go up to 300 plus mg on it.

It's such a shame that mental health services are a postcode lottery :-( As for a "telephone assessment" that's just staggering - you can tell so much more from a person's demeanour in person; eye contact, state of dress, personal care etc.

Hang on in there, sweetheart xxxx

It doesn't surprise me at all about how cheap sertaline and citoplram are. As I have always been fobbed of with them. It was actually ridiculous being put on these drugs as I have severe insomnia and both of these drugs cause insomia. So as you can imagine was going out of mind not being able to sleep. I'm so glad your GP is a good one. Indeed it is a post code lottery. Thank you for your sweet messages. XX

 

[Whatiwantiswhatiwas]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know what to say because I only ever was responsible for myself but I hope you find a way to minimize the pain.

Thank you very much :) Hugs

 

[JustAboutDone]

@Whatiwantiswhatiwas - citalopram had me climbing the walls! I took it for a few years and didn't have a decent sleep at all, totally agree with you, not one for us insomniacs!

 

[Johnnythefox]

I've lost faith in the mental health services in the UK, I don't blame anyone who works in that area, the fault lies with wastemonster.

Apparently mental health problems are on the increase, I'm not surprised tbh. I've been offered group therapies in the past but I've declined.
I'll never forget my first encounter with a psychiatrist though, in my late teens when she said "there's nothing wrong with you"
Maybe if she hadn't looked as if she had just left school and I'd seen a more experienced psychiatrist then things just might have been different.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's gutting really as there are a few genuine hard working souls doing their best in the mental health sector which is starved of cash and being screwed over by a management structure that awards itself huge bonuses for achieving nothing while patient numbers and waiting lists increase daily.

 

[Misanthrope]

Thank you for taking the time to write my options/suggestions down. I wish their were more people like yourself working in the NHS.

Firstly yes I actually do have diabetes and obesity in my family. I have polycystic ovary syndrome also known as "the curse" which has made me pile on the lbs, have terrible acne even in my mid 30s even tho I've tried over the years £10,000 of treatments/dermatologists.
I know that with my past would have a huge factor in depression. I train in the gym 5-6 times a week usually unless I'm In a complete black hole. Even while being in one I can still oddly go to the gym because I gain weight so easily it's always a driving force for me to go. It's quite fucked up that when while I'm training or in yoga I think of ending my life every minute lately for example I can be trying to force myself to do another few reps and I think why bother your going to bed dead soon. The last few times I went to to yoga I couldn't get CTB out of my mind.

I will most definitely look up/contact my local mind centre It's a shame that the NHS works in such a way. I'm hugely grateful to have some insistent on how they think.

In December 2017 I actually asked for CBT therapy I spoke to lady on the phone she said I most likely have PTSD so it wouldn't make a difference and advised me against it. A year later when I asked to be referred to psych team and I had to phone conversation the only where she said I wasn't at risk to myself she suggested CBT therapy that's when I went mental on the phone. A joke isn't it really.

I did seek a local therapist myself and I gave it a go for 4 months. It was a process that I hated and I didn't feel l was benefiting from. She used to stare at the clock constantly. But I hadn't thought about getting her to write a letter. So that purpose I could go down the therapy route again.

I have been taking my SN regimen and today is the day if I'm going to I could CTB. I've woken up, very calm not upset there is quite a lot of comfort knowing that I could drink my SN and this be over with. I'm unsure right now do I try and exhaust so more options as exhausting as it is or just finally get some peace after over 25 years of being up and down like a yo-yo. It's weird isn't it the day you actually can CTB you feel as moods go not in a hole but rather ok. I know if I stop taking my regime and let the day pass I will facing the dilemma again next week as I did exactly the same thing last week.

Thanks again for all your advice. I really do appreciate it.

A joke isn't it really.

Sadly so. We have little choice but to work with the flawed systems we have though. When it comes to therapists if you are not developing any rapport with them, get a new one. It is why I suggested private with a mind to get costs down. View it like gambling until you hit the jackpot. Basically finding someone who you feel you connect with. Give it four sessions then if that rapport is not established request another one. The long wait for therapy on the NHS is rarely worth it if I am honest. ( I can actually say that now!) Simply because they provide a very limited number of sessions. You are also at the mercy of their target driven culture so even if you need more they will likely not provide more. Even if they have tipped you into a worse state.

There is some truth though in being told standard CBT is not very effective for PTSD. It would be worth looking into therapies that specialize in PTSD, because it is often very triggering and you need someone on the ball.

There is trauma focused Cognitive behavioural therapy for instance. This has an okay track record.

There is something called EMDR - My personal opinion is it is an utter crock of shit. There are few controlled outcome studies on it. Eye movement may be entirely irrelevant to its claim, as it is still a version of CBT.

Another problem with therapy is because you are stirring stuff up you are going to feel worse for it. That is not necessarily due to bad therapy though. Gruelling journeys are unfortunately gruelling. I can only wish you the best. Do let me know how you get on and take care.

 

[LasttoKnow]

It won't get you kicked off the site your just stating facts. I actually feel like I needed some cold hard facts. My son doesn't have a father in his life so yes I would be leaving him parentless and the thought of that makes me feel physically sick. That I'm even contemplating that is just awful. Today I've been very tearful but I asked my son for a cuddle I stared right into his eyes and I knew I couldn't do this, well not today anyway. I can't promise I won't get one of those urges again and follow through but I promise today I will as the quote from Elizabeth Taylor goes " pour yourself a drink, put some lipstick on and pull yourself together"

Ironic isn't it. That we are here as pro choice site but the members on here actually encourage you stay and get help. Thank you for your message I actually did need that wake up call!

Glad it was of some use. Looking at things objectively is always about the most difficult thing to do.

 

[Final Escape]

I wonder what my kids might have been like. They were all lost to abortions because I was basically out of control and a borderline. I wish I would have went with adoption at least when I got pregnant in my 20's. My kids might have turned out ok because it's the intact home with two opposite sex parents that gives them the best shot. But I wouldn't have been able to be a good parent unless my borderline personality disorder issues were dealt with soon enough.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm on acid reducer/met regime for the second time. I have my SN. I also did afew weeks back but when it came to the day I didn't go ahead. I was hoping Friday would be the day. Last night I was in a very bad way so felt like I could go head. I think about CBT every second of everyday even when I'm busy and the last few days even dream about it. I was just wondering if anyone else on here has children? Right now I'm feeling the most awful sense of guilt for my son. How could I bring him into the world and just leave him. He's 16, he has a boyfriend now and I don't feel like I'm needed anymore at all from anyone. Even by him. I just want to go the guilt for him and what my father would feel is killing me. But living in this hell in mind is absolutely killing me. I don't know what I even want anyone to say. Just ranting really I love my son more than anything but I feel so bad for the fact I brought him in to this awful world that I can't even bare to stay in myself I've reached out for help from the drs, I'm currently on Venlalic 75mg and amertipline but I still feel like absolutely shit. I just don't know what to do anymore FML

At least he's grown up and you aren't leaving while he's very young which might be more traumatic. I wonder what he would think if he knew what u are planning. If he would be understanding or be angry about it? This would be a tough talk to have but I wonder if this would help to come clean with him. He might understand u never know.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

Memory loss is a huge drawback, I absolutely agree. Keep in mind, however, in a case of PTSD, memory loss would actually be a desirable effect.

I'm not necessarily advocating for ECT, I just would like everyone to have information about all of their options, especially before deciding to ctb.

I support whether or not they choose to access them, but everyone deserves to be armed with all of the information.

I just wanted to respond to this from personal experience...I had 17 ect treatments in my early 30's. It absolutely caused memory loss and affected word recall. The memory loss was NOT any of my trauma/cptsd memories though. I know that would be a decent outcome but you can't pick and choose what part of your memory goes. I also believe it matters whether you do unilateral or bilateral placement....but I'm just saying that was one of the reasons I was given and the way trauma memories work is it's stored differently so it doesn't work that blakc and white.
If your desperate enough to try anything then I would say go for it but I would strongly suggest research first. I had a bad experience with it personally and even as desperate as I am now for releif I could never get myself to do that again! It was truly a horrible experience but I also didn't know at the time that I don't process medications typically and I wasnt under anesthesia enough....

Anyways not saying you should or shouldn't consider ECT I'm just letting you know that it doesn't delete trauma memories so don't expect that....

 

[Ayeitsalaska]

If my mom killed herself, I would kill myself too. I'm around your son's age.

 

[bigj75]

The longer you wait to ctb the better on your children the loss of their parent will be. Its statistically proven. Psychology studies. All that.

So please try to live as long as you can for your kids. I understand you cant help the feeling of wanting to ctb but just do your best with the knowledge of this.

 

[color_me_gone]

trying our best and keep getting stones thrown at us

Good analogy!
My analogy:
Life is like a card game, where we keep getting dealt the shittiest of hands.
We do the best we can and keep hoping the next hand will be better, but no, it isn't.
We finally say to ourselves, "Why the fuck am I staying in this game?"

 

[color_me_gone]

I can't be a mother :(

So sorry! Adoption?

 

[ReadyasEver]

Yeah, kids have that effect on me. They are adults now and doing great, well close to, the youngest being 20. They have brought me a lot of joy, and I tried to do the best that I could. I'm not really worried when I'm gone for them in the long run.

 

[Final Escape]

So sorry! Adoption?

Adoption is extremely expensive and I think they require two parents. Plus even if u think u might be getting a child the mom might change her mind last minute. The other thing is that abortion is legal which then makes women more likely to go that route because they don't want to be single mothers or have to give away their child. If u took away unrestricted abortion you would have more kids to adopt. You could definitely increase adoption and decrease abortion if u cut out the middle man. Because that's why it's so expensive and difficult to adopt. The state makes money off adoption but the woman doesn't which then screws with the incentive to give the kid up. The only thing women benefit from is welfare if they choose not to give the child up. Which might be good for the mother but not so much for the kid who has no father. I went overboard didn't I?

 

[color_me_gone]

Misanthrope
What is your opinion of meditation?
I have found it to work wonders for me.
It costs nothing, requires nobody else to interact, has no negative side effects.
There is tons of information on the web about how to teach oneself to meditate.
It is well worth the effort. I believe it is downplayed, as there is no money to be made by capitalists.
There are many different methods, a person needs to find what works for them.
Meditation has allowed me to forgive others, and forgive myself.
It has not solved my problems irl, and I still toy with ctb, but it is much easier.
I feel like a ton of bricks have been taken off my shoulders.
AA also taught me "One day at a time", which I find works well for me when my ctb thoughts take over.

 

[color_me_gone]

I went overboard didn't I?

No, such is real life. So sad.
Everything is always about money.
It's why life sucks.

 

[Misanthrope]

Misanthrope
What is your opinion of meditation?
I have found it to work wonders for me.
It costs nothing, requires nobody else to interact, has no negative side effects.
There is tons of information on the web about how to teach oneself to meditate.
It is well worth the effort. I believe it is downplayed, as there is no money to be made by capitalists.
There are many different methods, a person needs to find what works for them.
Meditation has allowed me to forgive others, and forgive myself.
It has not solved my problems irl, and I still toy with ctb, but it is much easier.
I feel like a ton of bricks have been taken off my shoulders.
AA also taught me "One day at a time", which I find works well for me when my ctb thoughts take over.

I think meditation can be fantastic if you find the right variety for the right person. I am glad it works well for you. I also benefit from meditation. Took me a while to find a variety that works for me as racing thoughts just made more standard varieties impossible for me. But I found progressive muscle relaxation worked well. I saw it really help people in an inpatient setting as well. We live in such an unnaturally stressed state I think many more people could benefit from bringing meditative practices in their life. Since you are so passionate about meditation maybe you should create a meditation related thread? Demystify myths associated with it may be present some of the different varieties. I think people can be put off by it because they assume they have to attain an empty mind. Which to people who are being ripped apart from their own mind just seems impossible and set up to failure. So maybe you could discuss that as well. I would value such a thread.

 

[JustAboutDone]

@color_me_gone hope I'm not eavesdropping but I would really like a meditation thread too

 

[Miss clefable]

So sorry! Adoption?

It's okay I'll be dead soon

 

[color_me_gone]

I think meditation can be fantastic

Since you are so passionate about meditation maybe you should create a meditation related thread

I would value such a thread.

Thanks Misanthrope.
I don't consider myself an expert, other that that it helps(ed) me immensely.
I have, and will give some more thought to creating a thread.
With all the info available on the web, I really don't have to be an expert.
Just present the fact that this method is available, and only requires some effort to learn by the interested party.
Sometimes the best things in life are FREE.

 

[color_me_gone]

It's okay I'll be dead soon

 

[color_me_gone]

hope I'm not eavesdropping

Hey, are we not all family here?
I will start a thread on meditation, I promise!