Venting attempting - probably goodbye

[spiders.in.my.head]

how much of a dramatic bitch does it make me, that i plan to ctb over being cut off by a friend. how pathetic and weak can i be.

literally every worst case scenario i have imagined since october has come true. i keep having to invent new ones to keep up with the speed of my life going to shit.

i dont even know what to think anymore. all i know is that im tired. im worn out. this was just the last straw that broke the camels back.

do i feel like im overreacting to frankly an insignificant issue in the grand scheme of things? absolutely. will i still attempt to kill myself because of it tonight? yes.

by the time anyone is reading this, i will likely already be gone.

(btw, said friend, if you see this, i still dont hate you. i probably should, after everything that has happened. but i dont. i understand your hands are tied, and frankly, i shouldve known better than to hope it wouldn't end like this. i dont blame you.
i cant even find it in me to be angry. i just feel worthless, abandoned and hurt.
if today was truly the last time we spoke, i wish you the best and i hope you can live a happy life.
ma soovin, et asjad oleks saanud teisiti olla. ma jään sind igatsema.)

 

[Heraskov]

You have my sympathy. I hope you will find peace with this existence.

 

[spiders.in.my.head]

well... fuck. count me 2 failed attempts deep. SI is annoying. i figure ill try again soon enough, maybe try to get drunk beforehand.

i just want peace...

 

[uselessmanz]

I've been trying to CTB for about two years now.

I have perfected a method that will get me to a location at least 160 feet above ground on a balcony with a fall straight onto concrete provided that I make a small leap from the railing. I hit my weed pen like 7 times to overcome SI but diddnt work. The time before that I used lorazepam but that diddnt work either as I just fell asleep.

The next time I can access that location is in 3-4 weeks, i think alcohol is the next move for me.

Thoughts?
Basically anything that makes me go unconscious even for a second so I can fall backwards. Helium? Anisthesia? Idk