I have been aware of this curse for as long as I can remember. I am a child, on a summer day, under a cloudless sky. My eyes are on the leaves in the trees, their rustling is in my ears, a sweet breeze is on my skin. Time has stopped; a meaningless, boring, repeating cycle. There is nothing. Just a malaise, an anxiety.
Since those days, the only thing I've done is run from my feelings. To immerse myself in a game, to find a preoccupation, to get swept up in the flow of life. But no matter what you do, those leaves are always swaying, that rustling is always heard, that wind is always blowing. The moment you drop your busyness, it appears at the back of your neck.
Life: either you keep running around and deluding yourself, or you abandon yourself to the void. The end of both is death. In the end, you will have nothing left in your hands. And yet, we are afraid while living. Why are we aware of this and still afraid? What difference does it make, anyway? What is left?
4.5 billion years, the age of the Earth. A rock spun around, what did it gain? What did it feel or think? Nothing. What will we feel in the end? Nothing. What will we think in the end? Nothing.
Is the problem in our feelings or in our thoughts? Do thoughts affect feelings, or do feelings affect thoughts? I believe everything begins with feelings, and what creates feelings are the chemicals produced by the body flowing in our veins. It's that simple. That meaningless, and that cursed.
I've seen the intelligent, very happy; I've seen the intelligent, very unhappy. I've seen the foolish, very happy; I haven't seen the foolish, very unhappy. Why haven't I seen it? Are thoughts affecting emotions after all? How do we break free from this cycle? Do we have to be foolish? Can we even be, is it possible?
What is the first article of life's constitution? Is it to live? Is it to die? Why am I still scrolling through videos on my phone? I've said it before: I'm running away, I'm keeping myself occupied. No matter where I run, I inevitably see those leaves one day. The cloudless sun sometimes stands right over my head, sometimes that rustling. And especially the wind, often on my skin.
So, is the only thing we cannot escape, existence itself? Is that even possible? Have you ever seen something that escaped existence? Have you seen what no longer exists? Have I ever talked to the dead? Have I met with the non-existent? Can the non-existent have a past? What past am I the future of? What was the Big Bang? Has it been here since negative infinity? If so, is death also positive infinity? Will we never die, or will time essentially stop at that moment? So much time has passed, did we forget everything and then were born? Have we been here since negative infinity? Is existence as slow as the rustling of those leaves?
