Discussion At what age did you have your first genuine suicidal thought?

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

9 or 10. I was abused as a child and I didn't see a way out of it. I had also just been diagnosed as Autistic but I didn't understand what this meant. No one listened to me and they would just say oh he's just saying that because he is autistic rather than understanding it was a result of being abused and not coping at school which I was eventually expelled from and so I never had an education.

 

[Cress]

I was in the second grade I can't quite remember my exact age But probably around 6 or 7. I was crying under my Kitchen table thinking about how difficult life would be progressing through school. I couldn't quite contextualize anything concretely just that I was thinking about disappearing and that I would die relatively soon

 

[QueerMelancholy]

I was probably 6 or 7. Didn't actually attempt until my sister moved away when I was 8 years old. I didn't really understand it at the time I just was following what I saw in movies. Ended up swallowing a bottle of pain relievers. Didn't die obviously I just got really sick for a few days. Never told anyone about it I just told my dad I was feeling sick and he believed me because my insides were on fire for a while.

 

[scarletrat]

thoughts about it since i was born before i even understood the concept of suicide. i think my anxiety and parents fighting caused me to want to die. i used to try and choke myself thinking that'd work. when i was like 5 or something i started saying im gonna ctb whenever i got angry.

 

[Houkki6404]

How old were you when you had your first genuine thought to CTB? Did you act on it? Were there outside factors, such as parents, bullying, etc...?

For me, I was around 8 years old. I thought about tying a makeshift noose with an Apple Macbook charger. My mom was an alcoholic and my parents were constantly fighting. I was bullied just because I never was really able to excel at sports like my classmates. All the pressure on such a young mind can be so hard.

I was 11.
Mom made me change schools cause i was "dating" a girl.
During about two weeks she proceeded to tell the most horrible things to say to kid, fortunately, my mind is great at forgetting the bad things people say to me, but the feeling I can still remember.
Couldn't handle the mess that was happening at home + the mess that was happening inside my head so I tried to drown myself in the pool.
As you can see, it didn't work, but the suicidal thoughts are still here, different reasons but stronger than ever.
Tried ctb 3 times after that
None worked
I'm tired of this

 

[ham and potatoes]

It's kinda always been at the back of my mind. Every time something in life goes wrong, the thought pops up.
It's gotten allot worse in the last year or so though

 

[GoForDeath]

10/11

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Around 15. But it wasn't nowhere as bad as now (29)

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I remember wishing I was I dead when I was around 8 but I don't remember when my first suicidal thoughts started. I also feel like I don't understand the full context as to why those thoughts started either. I know my thoughts of feeling like a burden started sometime in elementary school.

I remember first witnessing my stepmother lash out at my dad when I was in grade 3, though I actually can't remember anything from that night besides the fact that at some point she redirected her anger towards me and screamed at me to never talk or look at her ever again. By the morning, when things had died down, my dad told me to go and watch some tv and she was up. I didn't talk to her, like she told me the night before, which caused her to have another episode and we ended up having to leave the apartment immediately with her following us outside screaming at me.

I can't remember if that whole ordeal happened before or after the whole wanting to die thing, but I have doubts that it had anything to do with it since I got over it pretty quickly. I don't really have any trauma and I don't get traumatized easily. I tend to get over things and move on pretty quickly, so I am not that as to why I started having thoughts about wanting to die at that age. I'm not mentally ill, have no history of severe trauma, yet I still wanted to die. Hence why it annoys me when people reduce wanting to ctb down to just "mental illness and trauma", because that doesn't actually apply to everyone who wishes to ctb.

 

[TAW122]

Around 12 or so, (possibly earlier) when I questioned the futility of existence if there was nothing to enjoy. As someone who often enjoyed just playing video games, I found the fact that if I couldn't enjoy the things around life, then it wasn't worth living. I don't think I ever went into how I would CTB until maybe in my early to mid 20's or so.

 

[crystal_meth97]

I was 12. Going through constant bullying and being emotionally neglected by my too-busy parents. I had my first attempt at 17, but my parents didn't figure out it was a suicide attempt.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I don't remember apart from this one thought when I learnt of someone who committed suicide and I thought that I would like that to happen to me too. I think this was super early in my life, maybe 6/7? My first attempt would be at 10/11 via drowning which I failed due to SI.

 

[Alltheywanted]

At around 14 was my first passive suicidal thought, and then at 16 was first genuine thought of actually doing that.

 

[d4isy]

The ripe age of 6

 

[Rev346]

I think I was 8. Visiting my mom's family for thanksgiving and I got upset about something so I went to the kitchen and asked my aunt for a knife. She asked what I needed a knife for so I pretended to stab myself in the heart. She said no. I don't even remember what I was upset about. I remember my dad shouting at me about when we were at a restaurant the next day though. I never had any traumatic issues growing up though (at least that I remember) so I don't know why I feel this way.

 

[BojackHorseman]

I grew up with my father telling me I ruined his life and should have never been born and cost too much to feed. He started this when I was a toddler, like before kindergarden. I can recall wishing I could "go to heaven" when I was just a toddler. My grandma would sing me gospel songs on the weekends, how lovely heaven is and how happy they are when they get there. So my toddler self rationalized that as if I could go on to heaven, I would be happy and mommy and daddy could be happy without me. I can recall being pre-kindergarden and crying and screaming in my room that I want to go home while my bewildered and frustrated mother kept telling me I was home. My toddler self meant my "real" home in heaven. Since I grew up literally as long as I can remember being told I shouldnt have been born, its hard to pinpoint what age my actual suicidal thoughts developed. It just felt like a natural progression I suppose. Definitey by the time I was in middle school. But I certainly was traumatized and miserable in elementary school. I remember telling the counselor in elementary school that my mom and dad fight all the time, lots of time its about me and that it makes me sad, and that my dad is mean to my mom. Can you believe the dumb bitch told my mother?!??! So obviously my mother told me I wasnt to speak to her again, and she never followed up with me when I never came back. It was definitely full blown by high school, and I had a complete mental breakdown around 17.

 

[Slough Walker]

One of my few escapes from my toxic family of origin was to ride my bicycle around town alone. I was 12 or 13 when I was attacked by two boys my age. I fought them to a draw, and they didn't bother me after that, but my feeling of peace and liberty while biking was destroyed that day. I no longer enjoyed riding my bike and began to self-isolate. It was during this time that I had my first genuine suicidal ideation. However, I had been indoctrinated into a strange variant of evangelical Christianity: I believed that I would go to heaven if I CTB'd, but I would be poor in Heaven forever, sweeping the floors for better Christians than me. I realize how ridiculous this belief sounds, but family members and authority figures in my community actually believed this. That's why I didn't go through with it. Now, having been an atheist for years, the guardrail of faith is long gone.

 

[lostforever77]

Someone where between 12-14 honestly my memory is terrible. Resulted in my first stay in a ward for like a month.

 

[Dusk till dawn]

At the age of 12

 

[Promised Heaven]

12. Almost exactly 10 years ago. Told my friends at school I was gonna CTB when I get home because I was hurting (from SA trauma) and I was escorted to the councilor's office and later told I was not allowed back without a clearance from the ER psych evaluation. Was cleared for the next day.

When my parents found out they were actually angry at me. "You were just on vacation last month, why would you think this?".

First actual attempt was 16.

 

[davidtorez]

Mid 20s

 

[Ww42]

12
I had thoughts of hanging myself, and shooting myself.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I don't remember a time I wasn't suicidal... But it was always more passive and in adulthood, it became more serious.

 

[ThisGameIsOverrated]

I've always been scared of the thought of wasting my life working, my first time having "passive" suicidal thoughts was around 11 when I dreamed of hypothetically being conscripted for WW3 straight after graduating from secondary school so I could die during the war and my first time fantasising about taking my own life was when I was 14 and a classmate hanged themself

 

[AmericanMary]

Late 20s

 

[Final Fantasy]

9 or 10. I wanted to slit my throat with a sharp knife

 

[homesoon.]

I started having thoughts of self-harm about 12 or 13. My initial suicidal thought was at around 16 when I nearly convinced myself to attempt an overdose.

 

[lifewasawillow]

8, it's been so long feeling this way, I'm so tired.

 

[fleetingnight]

14

 

[bridgegirl]

I was eleven. This has lasted me all the way up through about two seconds ago. Whoops, zero seconds ago.