I am done stalling. Who cares what others say about me, I'm a mess. My thoughts are always rushing at max, my emotions going this way and that. I don't know what I'm feeling, and my moods go up and so down.
This world we live in, its disgusting, its horrible, I can't stand it. Corruption and its selfish greed that disregards all safety and morals for some plastic/paper bills, pollution and its ever rising control over the globe, fuelled by the huge amount of cars and careless litter that scatter the streets (Why? Because its CHEAP), the people that torture others everyday because it satisfies them. SATISFIES. And NO, I am not making it up, that came out of one of my torturers mouths. The education system is broken, killing students creativity and only teaching a fixed mindset, and putting them into anxiety and depression and disregard it as if it were non-existent. A world run by drugs and dirty governments, it's a wonder there are still good people out there. People way less powerful, yet strive to make a big difference in this world. People like MrBeast planting trees, or Amy Wright and her coffee shop for the disabled, or Cynthia Maung, helping refugees who can't find help. The list is so large, it's unbelievable how insignificant it is compared to the rest of the world.
That's just part of the problem. Then there's me. As I've already stated above, my anxiety is through the roof, so much that my hands are trembling all the time. Not excessively, but trembling nonetheless. Sometimes, a huge emptiness just appears in my chest, and I would feel so...nothing. That's it. Just nothing. The future is just a gauntlet of stress and depression, and anything I would do in that time will have no value. I hate myself, both past and present, I hate the world, and what everyone is doing to it, I hate society and its structure, I hate everything.
I pass through life daily, floating along its river, waiting for something, anything to happen to me, hopefully it'll end my worthless, painful existence. The only thing I may have left is my friends, but I'm slowly losing that spark that I feel whenever I'm around them. Now it just feels like some charade.A masquerade of what I'm really feeling. I can't recognise happiness like normal people would, because my childhood never allowed that to grow. I try to focus on the positive, change my mind, by saying good things that have happened to me out loud, but that doesn't work. Pyschologists and therapists don't work anymore, either.
Why do i say I'm done stalling? Because I've suddenly thought of something. Even though my actions would possibly have a ripple effect, if I do take my life, I don't have to care about that life anymore. Barely anything mattered, anyways.
So that's me. I'm sick of this life. If I were someone else, then maybe, just maybe, I would actually understand and feel happiness, and actually be able to change this world.
I'm ready to die. I have been for a while. I'm hoping to use the SN method. I just need an antiemetic, which shouldn't be too hard to get. I just hope no one finds me while I CTB.
Try finding somewhere secluded, tell people you'll be going to so-and-so, somewhere away from where you want to go, and proceed to do so. Just a suggestion. Hope it helps you.
Farewell, Ashy. Let's hope you find something good on the other side.
