I want to love. I cannot.
A bit more than a year ago I entered a relationship that lasted 3 months and during that time, no arguments, disputes or anything bad happened. We had a seemingly perfect synergy, always there to support each other and to provide unlimited, sincere love. However, as time went by, I realized that I never even wanted to enter that relationship in the first place. It only happened because when I was asked "do you want to go out", I chickened on saying "no". I was worried about the mental state of my partner - she had a hard upbringing and struggled plenty, so I didn't want to further amplify that. And as such, it took me an extended period of time to realize that the love was never there - I was just yearning for any sort of intimacy.
That period also helped me to understand that I was not ready to commit to a relationship. I am unable to keep communication for extended periods of time, I just want to disappear and ghost everybody every once in a while. I didn't want a relationship, I wanted to love AND be loved.
And I told myself since then that I did not want a relationship, because I can't assist in sustaining it. And that's still the case. I truly do not want a relationship. But I want to be loved, and I want to love.
I love my friends in a purely platonic way. I am there to care for them even 24/7. But I want somebody who would genuinely have a feeling of love for me and for me to feel the same towards them. And yet, I don't want a relationship because I'm not ready for one.
A bit more than a year ago I entered a relationship that lasted 3 months and during that time, no arguments, disputes or anything bad happened. We had a seemingly perfect synergy, always there to support each other and to provide unlimited, sincere love. However, as time went by, I realized that I never even wanted to enter that relationship in the first place. It only happened because when I was asked "do you want to go out", I chickened on saying "no". I was worried about the mental state of my partner - she had a hard upbringing and struggled plenty, so I didn't want to further amplify that. And as such, it took me an extended period of time to realize that the love was never there - I was just yearning for any sort of intimacy.
That period also helped me to understand that I was not ready to commit to a relationship. I am unable to keep communication for extended periods of time, I just want to disappear and ghost everybody every once in a while. I didn't want a relationship, I wanted to love AND be loved.
And I told myself since then that I did not want a relationship, because I can't assist in sustaining it. And that's still the case. I truly do not want a relationship. But I want to be loved, and I want to love.
I love my friends in a purely platonic way. I am there to care for them even 24/7. But I want somebody who would genuinely have a feeling of love for me and for me to feel the same towards them. And yet, I don't want a relationship because I'm not ready for one.
