Venting Are you in peace with the idea of dying?

[Mistake of Nature]

I've accepted that I'm irreparably broken, and I understand that my life can't get better and that this existence is not for me, but I'm not quite at peace with the idea of CTB. I want to do it, but I'm scared of pain, of failing, and of the finality of such a decision.

 

[Erase.myself]

How awful!
I'm genuinely sorry to hear what you've been through.
I've been in psych hospitals too and didn't find them helpful to be honest.
Well anyway, heres a hug from one messy case of a human to another.

Im sorry to hear you have experienced this as well. *Huge hugs* back

I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make.

Thank you so much.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Let me tell you a story...

I was working at a recycling plant one very cold winter's day. One of the conveyor belts on one of the machines had broken and us individuals on this line could not work until it was fixed. Problem was, besides being cold as fuck was someone had to sit on a narrow steel girder 50 feet above a hard concrete floor with no safety harness to get it in. Me, having no fear of just about anything, especially death volunteered to do it with the supervisor a tall lanky dude. Was so damn cold the belt was stiff as a piece of wood so we had trouble feeding it in. We pushed and shoved but nothing. So, he rears his arms back to give it a good shove and accidentally elbows me in the chest in the process. I started falling back flailing my arms instinctively. I remember not being scared, on the contrary I was actually happy that my life was finally coming to an end and I was actually happy. Immediately following that thought I thought "My poor mom, she is going to be devestated!" That made me very sad. But luckily, he grabbed my arm before I fell and pulled me back. What did I do then? Laughed my ass off. Not out of fear, but because I was thinking, "Boy, this will be a funny ass story to tell people!" I told the other guys present the same thing and just to prove it after we finished getting the belt fed into the machine, someone had to crawl under it in a very cramped and narrow space to feed it through the bottom. I volunteered without hesitation. Why? Because I wanted to get it done. Plus, death did not phase me. Needless to say, I had mad respect from almost everyone there after that day. Mainly because they all thought I was crazy as hell, so am I at peace with dying? Oh yes. Why fear what you cannot avoid? Silly to.

 

[dubio]

I don't think I'll be content ending my life, but I won't be by continuing it either.

 

[bpdandme]

I feel the same but slowly each bit of hope I have is fading as I continuously prove that I will not amount to anything or have any happiness

 

[Cadō]

I glared at the fields, which were impoverished by war. Men, laid across the soil from which they were shaped, their eyes conforming to the siege blistering their veins. The peace, soothing, like Roman wine. Accepting that Rome, shall be lost in flames. The serene gates of accepting fate, welcomes this mortal, in his current and final state.

 

[Lutembëe]

I don't know if I'm completely at peace with the idea of dying, but I don't have a choice. Often I cry when I think that I have no other options, I cry when I think about how my family and my boyfriend will react when they find out that I was found dead alone in my house after a few days. But like I said, I don't have a choice anymore. I've been suffering from depression for 10 years now, and it's getting more and more severe. The idea that I have to die is already there, and peace comes over the days and weeks. But in my head, everything is clear. I will die this summer or early fall. It's sad, but that's the way it is.

Anyway, I don't have a choice anymore, I have to do it to be away from my suffering.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I need a time machine or a huge miracle, my problems is not with myself my problems is with the reality
And since reality is not going to change I prefer to try my luck with death than keep living

I feel exactly the same

 

[Kumachan]

Not completely, not yet, but im getting there. Its a process of acceptance. Mind is trying to find something to hold on to, hope... Its tiring, time to say "fuck it" and surrender already

 

[Aavemainen]

Yes and no. It varies greatly from day to day, but still each passing day suppresses the will to live more. Getting more certain every day that I do not belong in this world anymore.

 

[GoBack]

I used to be completely at peace with it. Now I'm scared but I have no other option

 

[Luchs]

I can't have peace and don't deserve it anyways.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

at times i somewhat am but overall i just really really really wish i wasnt in this position and realize how crazy it is that im considering just ending everything due to such bullshit. and when it comes time to do it, that shit's gonna hit me and idk how i'll commit. shit sucks.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

I'm starting to think this "peacefulness" people are supposed to feel before they take their own lives is just another stupid myth.
.
Fuck, humans are imbeciles.

 

[Pryras]

Ironically as a child the one thing I wished for the most was immortality. I had panic attacks when I was younger about not existing one day and was scared of what would eventually be just that.

As an adult, I've made peace with it. It's not something I can control and it takes the anxiety away in a sense. Ofc there is the fear of the unknown but I'm not too worried about that anymore.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

Ironically as a child the one thing I wished for the most was immortality. I had panic attacks when I was younger about not existing one day and was scared of what would eventually be just that.

As an adult, I've made peace with it. It's not something I can control and it takes the anxiety away in a sense. Ofc there is the fear of the unknown but I'm not too worried about that anymore.

You're the exact opposite of me then. As a child I used to have these nightmares, where some shadow figure tried to kill me. At some point in the dream I always gave into death, and it was the most pleasurable feeling imaginable.

Nowadays I'm scared.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Yes.
(I'm sorry for my bad English )
I have one failed attempt and that feeling just before is so good... I feel so calm and I know I'm doing just the right thing! I miss that feeling, it's so perfect That feeling is so hard to describe...

That's why I feel so calm when I think I'm going to die, I'm ready.

 

[Cutepoison]

Yes, very much so

 

[morningdew]

yes

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I used to be completely at peace with it. Now I'm scared but I have no other option

Me too. I used to see it a way out of my awful life. But now I'm scared as to what's on the other side. I'm still going, but not with so much bravery anymore.

 

[SSlostallhope]

Not at present. Being a bit emotionally torn. My niece got removed by social services and police. It was kind of expected that I would step up and care for her. Seeing as I know that I don't want to stick around much longer I had to decline. This hasn't gone down well within my family especially my sister. My niece is in the care foster system she probably feels a bit abandoned by me. We met at my parents grave the other day and I felt a bit emotional knowing I will be in there soon

 

[Bustedhornet]

I'm somewhat at peace. Everyone has to die one day. Plenty of people die young. Even if you're 80+ years old on your death bed, you're still conscious, living in the now. The only difference between you dying now or later is time. It's just obviously more acceptable to society to die from natural causes. But in the end, nothing really matters. I'd love for my suffering to stop but it seems impossible, I'm just holding it out for a while to see if things can get better, but each day is pain.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

No, not fully. I'm 70 - 80% sure there is no afterlife, but burning in hell for eternity is a huge price to pay. Also, I'm haunted by the knowledge that my suicide would devastate my mother, whom I love more than anything.

 

[SpottedPanda]

I'm almost entirely at peace with it. The only things that'd hold me back at minor day to day pleasures, but the drawbacks of life outweigh those things. What I'm conflicted with is method, but in the back of my mind that with persistence plus trial and error I'll succeed with a peaceful method

 

[Isadeth]

I'm at peace for myself, but I am tormented by the possible feelings others would have for my passing. That's what keeps me here so far.

 

[YukiFox]

I'm in peace with the idea of dying (By any cause, including suicide, sure). Before I was worried about hurting my family, contributing to the social stigma that a lot of transgender people kill themselves and also contributing to the myth of the disturbed artist (In my case, I'm an unpublished writer). But recently, I'm in a "Whatever" mood. I live until the world become unbearable to me. I don' t care if I didn't find a long lasting boyfriend or husband (I dreamed about have an at least 1 year long relationship, as no one of my relationships achieved that time), I don't care anymore if I'll get recognition for my published works, I don't care if I could be an admirable trans woman and trans rights activist. Seriously, I'm trying to enjoy the little pleasures until it was so awful to keep me inside in this world. Yes, a lot of people can take my death by suicide as a tragedy, or perhaps the life surprises me and I'll die in an ecological apocalypse or by apendicitis, I don't know, whatever.
I'm calling myself an "peaceful nihilist" because I'm aware of all the life bullshit who are suffering as humans, I'm aware that the civilitation has little or no hope at all, I'm aware that the positive chit-chat of that stupid coaches are worthless. I'm peaceful with my skepticism of wait a better world to me, or to my nephews and nieces (Perhaps they can live in a better conditions than me). Well... I don't feel any guilty of being that way. Oh, let's clarify: I'm not crying or in rage all the time for that. I'm not skip the basic hygiene or being alcohoic because my nihilism. No, it's only a practic way to handle the horror of the existence. Also, I'm not cynical or self loathing, besides, the landlady often called me "an angel' for my peaceful, compassive way of living. So, whatever.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Yeah. Never been more at peace before

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I personally don't fear death. Hope there's nothingness after death. What I fear is the pain in process of dying. I've got a video maybe it helps. Hugs

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

I made the decision in March to kill myself at the end of September. In this long waiting period, I never had a moment of doubt as to whether it was right.

Ever since I was 15 on a house roof, I've been thinking about suicide. The lies of hope have prevented me from doing so for 37 years as my suffering grew.

Today I am ready so that I am no longer interested in the future, even if I could solve all problems tomorrow. Why should I live a few more years and then die after having to suffer because the past cannot be changed?

The future is not the problem, the past is.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

It's almost like the "what if" it's the only thing stopping me from moving on with killing myself. That stupid hope. I never do it today because what if things change tomorrow? I know they definitely won't change, but I'm afraid of arriving on the other side just to find out I was moments away from a great change.

Exactly!!