Anyone else wildly oscillating between ctb and trying their damn hardest not to?

[NameOfAction]

Like, flip of a switch kind of thing. Fully comitting one day, completely horrified and put off the next. In a never ending cycle of will they won't they, I guess

Also I'm kinda fully shooting whatever comes to my head on here with no filter. Part freeing, part mortifying. It's like I don't even care what people might think of me

 

[binkleshpoo]

This is how it feels. I know I will be able to do it because one I drink the poison, I'll put my phone out of reach and turn it off. I'll be unconscious halfway through anyway. But I keep getting scared. I wish humans didn't have such impenetrable will.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

yes, though i find myself in the wanting to ctb side a bit more, i feel like i'm always either running from living or running from dying. its very frustrating.

 

[MicahBell]

Most days I think theres no other choice. Then one day i'll have a little hope I could have the life I want and want to live, and it derails my plans but it never lasts for long

 

[kitkatt]

Like, flip of a switch kind of thing. Fully comitting one day, completely horrified and put off the next. In a never ending cycle of will they won't they, I guess

Also I'm kinda fully shooting whatever comes to my head on here with no filter. Part freeing, part mortifying. It's like I don't even care what people might think of me

Yes I feel like I'm only searching for things in life to keep me here. Fleeting purposes and monetarily happy moments and I just can't keep it up. Maybe that's what life is always chasing the next thing? But that isn't what I want. Im also posting point blank I don't care what anyone thinks no matter how much it may make my body recoil. I want my last year to be me unadulterated and anyone cares enough to find me hopefully they finally understand the burden I've been forced to carry for so long.

 

[Pluto]

 

[pelicanportal]

Yes, I will get completely deadset and lock in then something stupid and inconsequential like "gasping for air is scary" or "wow seizures are scary" fuck me up and it all goes to shit and then im just miserablr and my working life goes further to shit and i just need to believe my method wont have me seizing and gasping even if I am asleep for it

the fuck is wrong with me

 

[sohopelessandempty]

Like, flip of a switch kind of thing. Fully comitting one day, completely horrified and put off the next. In a never ending cycle of will they won't they, I guess

Also I'm kinda fully shooting whatever comes to my head on here with no filter. Part freeing, part mortifying. It's like I don't even care what people might think of me

YES OMG YOU'RE NOT ALONE. It's such a struggle because during the phases of not wanting to commit, the thought feels so terrifying as if you're actually scared of death.

 

[SentimentalTrip]

I have this mental battle with myself every single day and it's incredibly tiresome. I hate myself for being unable to commit myself to my decisions, especially this one.

I lived with passive suicidal thoughts between 2015 and 2022, and 2023 is when I started seriously reading about methods, which led me to join SS. I have tried a lot of things to overcome my depression. Medication. Lifestyle changes. Therapy.

If I approached this logically, I know that suicide is the most reasonable decision to make. I should not keep subjecting myself to this pain. I simply don't have the characteristics and mentality that will allow me to live a fulfilling life. I know this deep down. But I have this tiny, tiny inkling of hope that keeps me around. Sometimes I tell myself that I ought to deleted the PPEH from my computer and that I ought to stop logging into this forum. Twenty minutes later I find myself thinking the complete opposite.

I don't actually think it's hope. I think it's just my mind making up excuses to postpone my suicide. Because if I had Nembutal, or if I were accepted by the Pegasos clinic, I would not hesitate for one second to take up the opportunity. I would feel immensely happy if I had access to either of these.It's the lack of an accessible, unrisky, peaceful method that keeps me here, and I tell myself that it's hope when it's actually not. It's funny how you can fall for a trick your own mind is making.

I wish I had the courage to just take SN. But I'm a coward.

 

[NameOfAction]

I have this mental battle with myself every single day and it's incredibly tiresome. I hate myself for being unable to commit myself to my decisions, especially this one.

I lived with passive suicidal thoughts between 2015 and 2022, and 2023 is when I started seriously reading about methods, which led me to join SS. I have tried a lot of things to overcome my depression. Medication. Lifestyle changes. Therapy.

If I approached this logically, I know that suicide is the most reasonable decision to make. I should not keep subjecting myself to this pain. I simply don't have the characteristics and mentality that will allow me to live a fulfilling life. I know this deep down. But I have this tiny, tiny inkling of hope that keeps me around. Sometimes I tell myself that I ought to deleted the PPEH from my computer and that I ought to stop logging into this forum. Twenty minutes later I find myself thinking the complete opposite.

I don't actually think it's hope. I think it's just my mind making up excuses to postpone my suicide. Because if I had Nembutal, or if I were accepted by the Pegasos clinic, I would not hesitate for one second to take up the opportunity. I would feel immensely happy if I had access to either of these.It's the lack of an accessible, unrisky, peaceful method that keeps me here, and I tell myself that it's hope when it's actually not. It's funny how you can fall for a trick your own mind is making.

I wish I had the courage to just take SN. But I'm a coward.

Funny, I find that when I remove emotions from the equation and look a at it logically, the conclusion is usually *not* to die.

At least not now. Because life Is long and things change and there's a non-zero chance of improvement right around the corner that I'll never see if I die

If I live, I might get better. If I die, I will definitely not get better