anyone else who'd like to be able to live?

[walmart.kafka]

hello, i'm pretty new to this forum, but there's something on my mind i really want to talk about but can't because my friends would never accept my wish to die in the first place.
so i'm sure there's lots of people here who can't identify with anything i might say, but maybe someone here understands and i still appreciate you guys' input in general.

so i used the term "wish to die" earlier... but i don't ACTUALLY have a death wish.
death scares the shit outta me the more time i give my brain to overthink it. i wish i could continue living. only thinking about how i will never have a family with my SO or that they will just marry someone else hurts so so much.
the thing i've always wished for is to get better and i've been optimistic for such a long time. but these past few weeks i've been in so much pain that not alone just enduring it is so fucking hard, but also everything that comes with it, and how it makes me worthless as a person and partner.

i'm such a coward that i think only ingesting something is possible for me atm.. and i've decided to get SN (thanks again to the helped me find a place to buy it!).
i can't imagine jumping because i'm scared of heights.
i can't imagine throwing myself under a train because it scares me. i can't imagine drowning myself because suffocation scares me.
it's actually really quite embarrassing how i claim i can't continue living like this but still don't have the guts to do this stuff.
i've read a lot of the posts here and it seems a lot of people here actually think death is a desirable state and actually long for death itself - and i don't want to critize this whatsoever, i think i'm probably just still too much of a coward to reach this line of reasoning lol.

but yeah, i guess i wanted to ask if there's anyone here who'd actually really like to live.. i often think about how i'd love being given a new body or being born again. if i could get rid of this pain i'd always choose life because there is still enough stuff that makes me want to live. it's just that the bad stuff outweighs it...

i hope just spamming my incoherent thoughts here is ok, if not pls tell me, i don't want to ruin this lol, i'm glad my account finally got accepted

 

[FuneralCry]

Many people don't want to die, they just want to end the pain and they see death as the only way to do that. To an extent I do wish I was able to live, as it is exhausting being burdened with these thoughts and I would love to be carefree. There is no way I could be like that though.

However I would take an peaceful death over everything, the thing that is holding me back is that it is hard to die. You are not a coward at all, as humans we are simply programmed to survive at all costs which means taking our own lives is hard.

 

[WornOutLife]

I totally get what you mean!

I wish I could live to! You know, a happy family, lots of friends and then die at my 80s while people in my funeral will say what an amazing human being I was lol.

Yet, I don't think I can do it. I hate aging and I don't see the point in having children and seeing how my health and body get f*cked up throughout the years.

Hope you can feel better soon!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[BlankUser]

I wish I didn't exist. My parents procreating was a huge mistake. However, I think I could handle life if I wasn't mentally ill.

 

[luten]

I want to live, but my physical conditions, and my living conditions (alone) makes it very hard. I want to live. I have been in this position for a very long time, but my body is getting weaker, and weaker. My body is a train wreck. Nothing lasts forever.

 

[glad it’s night]

Most people do not really want to die. They want to escape from pain.

David Foster Wallace, writer of the novel "Infinite Jest" and one of my favorite authors, describes the dilemma like this:

"The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

 

[Largeletters]

Most people do not really want to die. They want to escape from pain.

David Foster Wallace, writer of the novel "Infinite Jest" and one of my favorite authors, describes the dilemma like this:

"The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."

David was so talented... Rest in Peace. Thanks for remembering him.
I've never considered whether I want to live. For so long, I haven't seen a future for myself without being suicidal, so in turn, suicide has been my only option for the longest time.

 

[Scribble Fan]

If I could have my old life back then... Yes, I suppose it would be OK to live.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to ever happen. I'd much prefer to CTB than to live like this any longer.

 

[loopylou]

I would like to live. But I'm years away from therapy I need to get better and I won't be around by the time my name gets to the top of the pile

 

[ClownMe]

i dont want to die, i wish i could be normal and enjoy life but my chronic depression wont allow me to.

 

[the_final_countdown]

I'd love to live. My health has deteriorated. I'm trying every day to get it back. My condition has a small possibility of improving so I can function.

And not in a minor way. Like this isn'ta minor health problem. I'm completely debilitated and overwhelmed by it.

It's so fucking painful. It's like this constant torture every single day. I want it to desperately stop.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

yes I do want to live, what I desire the most is my old life back, the one I had before psych drugs. However the damage is done and I'm in so so much pain now. There's so cure for the brain / body damage so my only way for the pain to stop is death, unfortunately :(

 

[Weary Soul]

There are many people here with diverse backgrounds (ie, cultures), experiences, and genetics - and each of us have our own reason for being here.

Personally, I am similar to you.

As incredibly painful as my life has been, I actually don't want to die, but at this point, my back is against the wall. I have looked at many ways to try and get out of my situation, but I see no feasible alternatives.

 

[introspectious]

Im in exactly the same position, and I imagine a lot of people are. I had a pretty decent life for most of it, but I made some serious mistakes, some chronic that took a long time to catch up, and some acute that ruined so much very quickly. Between all my own mistakes, I can't forgive myself for what I've done to my own life. It doesn't let me rest for a minute. I probably have some sort of bpd (even though told I probably don't), because my pain and regret regarding relationships is outrageous, and it completely consumes me.

I want to live more than anything. I am absolutely dying to live. I've tried everything I can, but as many here know, it can become near impossible when you've suffered a traumatic event that has destroyed your mental health. I find myself trapped, I want to live more than anything. But for me, the pain just doesn't stop. It's gotten worse through catastrophes, and now I find myself unable to get even the slightest joys out of anything, my thoughts are full of fears of the future, and my present is unstable, and my mind state is even more unstable. So personally, I would give literally anything to regain the courage to live. But my mind is crushed by depression, and it doesn't feel possible anymore.

 

[miserableforever]

If I could have my old life back then... Yes, I suppose it would be OK to live.

Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to ever happen. I'd much prefer to CTB than to live like this any longer.

It's the exact same for me. The past was already bad, but this is worse.

 

[walmart.kafka]

hello everyone! i just wanted to say thank you for your replies. somehow it's really comforting to know there are others in the exact same position, albeit also really fcking sad...
i'm sorry for all your pain and hope that maybe there will be another way.
you all seem so nice and smart, you are a blessing to the world.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Yes, I can relate a lot to how you're feeling, especially the hollowness and grief you feel about never being able to marry your significant other and have a future with them. Your mourning for better days rings true for so many of us.

I am very sick, but not with the sort of illnesses that will kill you, just a slow burn of misery that I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. My body has been run ragged from years of abuse; verbal, physical, sexual, and emotional. I will never recover.

I used to have a multitude of dreams and goals that I wanted to achieve in my lifetime. I was on track to become a scientist, working towards the goal of applying for a PhD, as soon as I completed my undergraduate degree.

Now, I can barely scrape my in my studies because my health is so poor. I have no family nor any friends I would consider to be particularly close, so I feel abandoned by the world. I reach out for help, but the help doesn't exist. No one understands what I'm going through because most people do not believe chronic fatigue syndrome is a real thing. They think I'm faking being in pain all of the time.

The only person who respects and understands my struggle is my best friend, who I just had to fall in love with. Yet, we can't be together due to our circumstances. I'm trapped in a relationship with a partner who treats me like a massive burden, because I'm so disabled. I know I am hurting him, and I wisb I did not exist in his life. Sometimes I have dreams about being able to run away, if only I was well enough to.

I wanted to adopt children. I wanted to do meaningful work that would benefit people who are suffering. I wanted to live. Now everyday is painful and I find no joy in anything, all the color and wonder in life is dead and gone. I would try to fight and live, if my body would give me a modicum of energy to.

You sound like a very sweet and empathetic person. I truly wish you could have the fulfilling and happy life that you deserve, instead of being forced into a corner where you have to seriously consider ctb as an option.

 

[walmart.kafka]

Yes, I can relate a lot to how you're feeling, especially the hollowness and grief you feel about never being able to marry your significant other and have a future with them. Your mourning for better days rings true for so many of us.

I am very sick, but not with the sort of illnesses that will kill you, just a slow burn of misery that I'll have to deal with the rest of my life. My body has been run ragged from years of abuse; verbal, physical, sexual, and emotional. I will never recover.

I used to have a multitude of dreams and goals that I wanted to achieve in my lifetime. I was on track to become a scientist, working towards the goal of applying for a PhD, as soon as I completed my undergraduate degree.

Now, I can barely scrape my in my studies because my health is so poor. I have no family nor any friends I would consider to be particularly close, so I feel abandoned by the world. I reach out for help, but the help doesn't exist. No one understands what I'm going through because most people do not believe chronic fatigue syndrome is a real thing. They think I'm faking being in pain all of the time.

The only person who respects and understands my struggle is my best friend, who I just had to fall in love with. Yet, we can't be together due to our circumstances. I'm trapped in a relationship with a partner who treats me like a massive burden, because I'm so disabled. I know I am hurting him, and I wisb I did not exist in his life. Sometimes I have dreams about being able to run away, if only I was well enough to.

I wanted to adopt children. I wanted to do meaningful work that would benefit people who are suffering. I wanted to live. Now everyday is painful and I find no joy in anything, all the color and wonder in life is dead and gone. I would try to fight and live, if my body would give me a modicum of energy to.

You sound like a very sweet and empathetic person. I truly wish you could have the fulfilling and happy life that you deserve, instead of being forced into a corner where you have to seriously consider ctb as an option.

reading through your message made my heart hurt, i feel like i can relate very well and i'm so sorry that you had to endure this/are still suffering.
i want to be able to have children so so much, i want to build my own happy family and feel like i belong to people who love me and have my back... but i think even if i did last long enough, my body and health just wouldn't allow it.
i don't think i could make it through a pregnancy. just thinking about it hurts so much.
i even made it through school and actually graduated with good grades, i thought i could do this, i used to have so much hope, but at this point there's just nothing left to draw from.
you seem like such a strong person with so much potential for even lasting this long. it's horrible how your circumstances took all that from you.
i know it sounds so half-assed and stupid to say, because it seems like the other person doesn't understand the extent of your suffering and the graveness of the situation, but i hope somehow things will get better for you. i think we all have in common that we are able to muster up so much hope from literally nothing, in such a horrible situation. the fact that somehow we made it till today and somehow are still trying proves that.
some way or another it will get better and we will find peace.

 

[Celerity]

Absolutely. The last 6 years have been pure misery. For a brief moment this past year, I had a glimmer of hope for something better only for it to be completely dashed. I know a part of me will always hope for a moment like that again, but I'm not willing to wait around for something that won't last. The idea of dying with a bullet to the brain at 28 horrifies me as it rightly should and yet it is my best option.

 

[Bullit]

My reason for ctb is the death of my soul mate. There is nothing I can do but either live for n misery or ctb!

 

[bluedreamscape]

i don't want to die, i just don't want to work.

 

[newave3]

If I were able to sleep 14 hours a day then perhaps I would want to continue living. I think I could handle being conscious for 10 hours a day.
Since sleeping that much is impossible, I want death.

 

[heretogethelp]

hello, i'm pretty new to this forum, but there's something on my mind i really want to talk about but can't because my friends would never accept my wish to die in the first place.
so i'm sure there's lots of people here who can't identify with anything i might say, but maybe someone here understands and i still appreciate you guys' input in general.

so i used the term "wish to die" earlier... but i don't ACTUALLY have a death wish.
death scares the shit outta me the more time i give my brain to overthink it. i wish i could continue living. only thinking about how i will never have a family with my SO or that they will just marry someone else hurts so so much.
the thing i've always wished for is to get better and i've been optimistic for such a long time. but these past few weeks i've been in so much pain that not alone just enduring it is so fucking hard, but also everything that comes with it, and how it makes me worthless as a person and partner.

i'm such a coward that i think only ingesting something is possible for me atm.. and i've decided to get SN (thanks again to the helped me find a place to buy it!).
i can't imagine jumping because i'm scared of heights.
i can't imagine throwing myself under a train because it scares me. i can't imagine drowning myself because suffocation scares me.
it's actually really quite embarrassing how i claim i can't continue living like this but still don't have the guts to do this stuff.
i've read a lot of the posts here and it seems a lot of people here actually think death is a desirable state and actually long for death itself - and i don't want to critize this whatsoever, i think i'm probably just still too much of a coward to reach this line of reasoning lol.

but yeah, i guess i wanted to ask if there's anyone here who'd actually really like to live.. i often think about how i'd love being given a new body or being born again. if i could get rid of this pain i'd always choose life because there is still enough stuff that makes me want to live. it's just that the bad stuff outweighs it...

i hope just spamming my incoherent thoughts here is ok, if not pls tell me, i don't want to ruin this lol, i'm glad my account finally got accepted

I have a really strong death wish. I've been depressed since I was eleven years old.

 

[Life is overrated]

No.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I would like to live................under my ideal set of circumstances.

Anything less is a no from me dawg.

Bus, here I come :)

 

[PrincessInWhite]

yes, so much. but my mind and body are broken and this is no life at all. I feel forced to choose and both options are absolutely agonizing, but death beats out living like this. I am so heartbroken it had to be this way.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Half of me does but this half is awful and evil. Then again, so is the half who wants to die. We're both evil and that's why we need to be dead.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I wish I could've had a life of meaning and purpose and hard-work and success… this has been a failure

 

[Slimetae]

I use to want purpose my own family the American dream but uh that's not reality and I'm 20 and broke just existing until I ctb or find the will to live

 

[Achlys]

I don't know anymore.