Bigass list

[woofwag]

I have a bigass list of "reasonz to die" in my notes app. It's gotten progressively longer over the course of over half a year. There are 22 reasons currently. Some big, some small, but all together, completely unbearable.

I think in day-to-day life, I can ignore most of them. Suicide is always on the mind of course, but I find myself thinking about wanting to go to the gym, replaying my favorite video game, going to events, getting back into reading/writing, things that don't have anything to do with a death plan.

I've been trying to re-focus recently on ctb prep, but end of the day I'm a dopamine addict (one of my main reasons to die, ironic as it is). I struggle to take initiative and I have horrible executive dysfunction. I have all these things I want to do but I scroll for hours or play games.

I don't know how to break this cycle, but I know something's got to give. I'm very much half-assing life because I'm still banking on ctb'ing soon. But I'm also procrastinating ctb prep because, well, it's hard!!! And I'm already tired. A part of me wants to get it over with without any prep, but I know I would back out if I tried.

Does anyone else feel the same? And anyone perhaps found a solution? I can't take it much longer

 

[DeusVult]

You should make the opposite list, of reasons to live.

No matter how long your current list gets, you're still not going to KYS. It is when the list of reasons to live dries us, that we die.

 

[woofwag]

You should make the opposite list, of reasons to live.

No matter how long your current list gets, you're still not going to KYS. It is when the list of reasons to live dries us, that we die.

I mean respectfully… that's not really how it works. Would you tell that to a terminally ill person who is in constant pain? I'm sure they have plenty of reasons to live, but it gets to a point where the bad DOES outweigh the good, regardless of how many good things you can come up with.

Think of it this way: I wouldn't stay with someone who was abusive even if the rest of the relationship was a dream. Getting hit once would give me enough reason to leave.

And yet somehow I should endure all this pain and getting repeatedly beaten down just because sometimes good things happen? Life has been too cruel for me to justify existing in it anymore.

Less respectfully, don't tell me what I will or won't do. That's not cool. Yes, I will be killing myself. It is only a matter of time. I don't see why I should bother with all of this when I'm so disillusioned with life that it is just a chore to get through a day.

 

[caramelpudding]

I think that you are able to think day to day life and want to still do something that you like is really great, I couldn't enjoy doing the things I like anymore.
Maybe it's a good thing that you're taking time for prep, so you would have more time to think about how you would execute it. Don't rush yourself and I hope everything would go well for you.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I won't say it should be turned from "reasons to die" into "reasons to live", as that sounds unrealistic. But… I would try as much as I possibly could to turn them from "reasons to die" into "things to work on", "things to try to improve one baby step at a time", "things to try my best to forgive others for", "things to forgive myself for", "things to try not to dwell on", and "things to give myself as much time & patience as it takes to try to solve". If nothing else, it might make whatever time you have left a little easier to stand.

 

[telekon]

I won't say it should be turned from "reasons to die" into "reasons to live", as that sounds unrealistic.

right... i don't recommend anyone make a "reasons to live" list as it will probably be embarassingly short, SS member or not. life isn't meant to be scrutinized with lists like this in my opinion. you're just supposed to live and only god knows why.