Anyone else feeling conflicted about CTB?

[Greyhawk]

I feel so tormented because I want to do it so bad and keep constantly fantasizing about it as it would bring me immense pleasure. Either shooting, slicing my wrists or carving a smile on my face and hanging myself. Sorry if I sound like a sick fuck. But I also want to live because I love my family and have a few close friends that are really important to me. I also have my own dreams but they are just so far away. I just wish I was never born.

 

[cazza82]

I feel so tormented because I want to do it so bad and keep constantly fantasizing about it as it would bring me immense pleasure. Either shooting, slicing my wrists or carving a smile on my face and hanging myself. Sorry if I sound like a sick fuck. But I also want to live because I love my family and have a few close friends that are really important to me. I also have my own dreams but they are just so far away. I just wish I was never born.

I'm totally conflicted still even though my SN is on its way it's awful

 

[Boots2Scoots]

It's always an internal battle. From an outside PoV, my life is great. Awesome job with WFH potential, great career, solid friends, family, and some awesome pets that I love more than anything else. These things are a good reason not to CTB.

Then there's the internal things that nobody else sees or knows. Memories, traumas, heavy depression, this constant feeling of hopelessness knowing that I'm going to have it all taken away anyday now. I can put on a fake smile always but when I wake up or sit alone, these feelings consume me. And I'm just tired from it all. Not everyone was meant to be around for a long time, and I firmly believe I'm one of those people. 28 years, and I've had enough of myself.

 

[Peter Skellern]

Theological issues predominantly.

 

[trashhologram]

I keep going back and forth with the idea of killing myself. I can't live like this, but I hate the idea of hurting the people who care about me, especially my mom and sister. My mom's already lost many people she loved. The idea of her being absolutely crushed because I killed myself is a big reason why I'm still alive and might even seek for help. And my cats. My sister is awesome but she has also some mental health issues so I don't want to make her feel worse, even though she's doing pretty good right now.

And my friends, girlfriend, grandparents, dad and brother... They love me and I love them. Fuck, why do I have so many people who care?

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Same internal struggle. I would love to ctb at this point, but it's just me and my girlfriend in an apartment. She can't pay everything on her own. Also once we get what we need, I plan on possibly bringing my cat, which my girlfriend is fully on board with (she loves the cat), and I just can't bring myself to do it yet. She would be the one to find me, and that's a hard thing to grapple with. Not to mention how my mom would take it. She's been taking it rough since I moved out on my own. She misses me dearly and plans to visit soon. Those are what I know will occur.

I THINK a cousin, aunt, and uncle would take it pretty rough as well, but probably put on a strong show to help my mother. Then I don't know about others and how they would take it. Either way, I couldn't bring that pain to the two people in my life that I love the most, so I suffer instead, trying to live for the fleeting moments of happiness.

Life sucks a lot of the time. Life sucks most of the time. Those fleeting moments of happiness that we experience are what keeps me going. A moment of light. Be it a good conversation, a good meal, a burst of laughter, causes a fleeting burst of happiness. It won't last, and I know that, but that's what makes them worth it — a brief escape from the weight of the world

I keep going back and forth with the idea of killing myself. I can't live like this, but I hate the idea of hurting the people who care about me, especially my mom and sister. My mom's already lost many people she loved. The idea of her being absolutely crushed because I killed myself is a big reason why I'm still alive and might even seek for help. And my cats. My sister is awesome but she has also some mental health issues so I don't want to make her feel worse, even though she's doing pretty good right now.

And my friends, girlfriend, grandparents, dad and brother... They love me and I love them. Fuck, why do I have so many people who care?

This reads like something I could have wrote. I mean, I don't have a present father, haven't since I was 2, no siblings or grandparents. BUT, I do have a girlfriend, mom, friends, and cat who I live for currently.

 

[ploppington]

I understand.

 

[Daxter777]

Yeah. I have things I want to experience find love again all that jaz. On the other line i want to CTB and be done with the bullshit, trauma, suffering and stress.

 

[outerspaceangel999]

I feel so tormented because I want to do it so bad and keep constantly fantasizing about it as it would bring me immense pleasure. Either shooting, slicing my wrists or carving a smile on my face and hanging myself. Sorry if I sound like a sick fuck. But I also want to live because I love my family and have a few close friends that are really important to me. I also have my own dreams but they are just so far away. I just wish I was never b

I feel so tormented because I want to do it so bad and keep constantly fantasizing about it as it would bring me immense pleasure. Either shooting, slicing my wrists or carving a smile on my face and hanging myself. Sorry if I sound like a sick fuck. But I also want to live because I love my family and have a few close friends that are really important to me. I also have my own dreams but they are just so far away. I just wish I was never born.

i definitely feel very conflicted too. i think about CTB everyday and i've been trying to gather the materials i need for it, but some part of me always fears i will regret it at the last minute or something. the thought of the afterlife also makes me doubt a lot, even if i've got pretty much everything planned now

 

[Alek1=]

I relate a lot. I cant ctb because Im pretty sure my mother would go after me soon and she deserves the best of this world. I too wish I was never born, it would make it easier for both of us. Even if not for her I still think Id be unable to end it, maybe its because I deserve to suffer so I keep myself in this torture.

 

[richardpapen]

I want to suicide since 2019 but I never tried and I'm quite sure I won't do it, the main reason I don't plan it it's my parents too. They deserve the world and they wouldn't survive this…the problem is I'm afraid when they die I will feel "free" to do it, or even worst as you say I will still live with this suicidal desire stuck in me forever torturing me