i've never had an appearance to "let go" of, i guess. for my entire life, i've always just looked like a cross between some awkward adult toddler and a serial killer. i think i still wear the same clothes i did when i was 13, maybe even younger. all of them are stitched up or torn open. the worst thing for me might be shaving, considering my face looks like a disgusting minefield of acne and spots and god knows what else. i bleed almost every time i shave, and i'm far too stubborn/weak-willed to try to even figure out how to fix any of this or make it easier for me, because that would mean committing to doing something different for a long amount of time without any visible results or guarantee of success and fuck that. i brush my teeth once a day, usually, but it's dictated by what i eat. i shower maybe 3/4 times a week? my only reason for doing these things is basically so i don't have to do them another day. multiple factions of my mind and body start yelling at each other whenever i "have" to "do something" and i'm dragged along by them. escaping from these awful biological impulses is one of my favorite reasons for CTB'ing.
my weight is basically dictated by my mom since she makes all the food i eat. i've never gone near a stove in my whole life, i'm terrible at plating food also. i like to think that if my parents weren't around i just wouldn't bother eating and lose a lot of weight as a result. it wouldn't "help" much of anything but it would feel nicer. like physical proof that i'm for real. i'm apparently just really outright BAD at showering? my mom always says my hair is greasy. she reviews and criticizes all my behaviors, even how i put on deodorant or how i hold a piece of paper in public. i think she's completely right and i am just that dense. i obviously don't give a shit about myself or anything else. i can't even make an effort to look not awful, not for her or myself. there's a reason my family treats me the way they do.
the astonishingly awful part of this is how i'm supposed to be in the prime of my life right now. this is me at my sexiest and most energetic and most interesting. this is the part where i'm supposed to just enjoy life and be young and free like everyone else my age. and these people aren't even "normies" or whatever, they're actual people who have gone through far more abuse and suffering than i ever will, yet they all came out on top and are thriving now, full of life and autonomy. this could hardly be called a question or an enigma at this point. i just need to go away and stop wasting space.