Venting Any parents here? Or children of someone who has ctb

[9mmisglutenfree]

God this became diarrhea of the mouth/keyboard, over 700 words. Guess I'll flair it as venting lol.

TL;DR: any parents that can talk about what makes them suicidal/what keeps them here? Or children of successful ctb'ers who can give insight on how it led them to their suicidal feelings?

Currently holding on strictly because of my child. The divorce from their other parent was ugly and the emotional manipulation and abuse has not only continued but multiplied.

I'm wondering if there are any other parents here that have come to terms with their suicidal thoughts and desires.

Sure that kid needs their dad but their other parent is doing just fine, even has a stable place to live with their significant other and his kids. Got the schedules lined up, everything going great. My kid would be happy and healthy in that home as much as I hate the thought of them living there. I care my child is loved and cared for. Which happens, the child is protected, their other parent is an (sometimes too much) aggressive lion that will stop at nothing. And their dad is a weak-willed, foolish, ignorant, angry, emotionally unstable piece of shit.

They will have a father figure. And Two good grandfathers (if my dad gets to continue being in my child's life after, the succubus hates people that believe in god except for their family, the only exception).

How do you as a parent handle the moments you're sure you're going to take your life, but then you wonder what your child will think?

Or if you have a parent that did either while you were very young or before 10 (you can answer if you were older, the age does not matter here) how has it affected you?

Maybe I'm grasping for reasons. Trying to talk myself out of it. But I feel like I'm trying to do the opposite. The intense moments are strong enough to push me but I continue to force myself to live for others and it is just so fucking exhausting. For two years (when shit got real and the maximum emotional damage was inflicted) it has been not a question of how/how to acquire my demise but how to push through and do it. I've read people say "when you're ready you'll stop coming up with reasons…." blah blah Blah shit like that. I'm ready. The anxiety is at un fucking real levels all the time. Mind never stopping. Heart fucking pounding at least half the day. The only time I feel calm is with a lit camel crush in my mouth.

I'm tired of the "oh x video game comes out in a month!" "Gotta stay alive to watch x rocket league event" "my dad bought me tickets to that concert and I'm supposed to be taking a girl I've crushed on since high school" "I want to see where this project goes at work, gotta see it through and be the dependable employee my employer knows i am.". These things are all fleeting and once they're over I mostly feel uninterested that it happened. The date won't go anywhere it's fucking 5 months after the first one and the interest shown is not like it was before that date. Plus I put all my cards on the table and drunkenly threw it out how desperate I am.

I'm fucking done with it all and even if the opportunities came for things to get better for me, they won't last because I'm fucking STUCK in my mindset and no therapy or treatment has helped me in any measurable way. I see the escape, but there is no way for me to find the map to find the instructions to build the stairway to it. And even if I did find those instructions, there wouldn't be enough wood and screws to build the damn thing anyway. So I built a gallows instead.

Talk to me, parents. How the fuck are we supposed to keep going when things are literally stacked against us? I know I have seen some of you who have mentioned being married and still at a point where you're visiting SaSu. I can't imagine how hard that is.

 

[diopdawe]

Hi there, so I am a parent of a 2 years old daughter. When we planned our child, I was happy and healthy and there were no signs of any mental illness whatsoever. During pregnancy, I developed a serious form of depression and a very high anxiety that I couldn't sleep. I have no idea where this depression and anxiety came from as I was really happy, content with my life. So I quickly realized this is a serious situation and I went to a psychologist then things got worse so I went to a psychiatre and she gave me an SSRI. Ever since starting taking the med, I felt worse and worse, they kept changing my medication and I was also receiving antipsychotics because I had delusions from the lack of sleep. Then my daughter was born, I was a mess and a few weeks later I tried to hang myself. Didn't kick the chair away and I climbed back on it and said, come on, you gotta fight this for your daughter. So that's what I did. Then came panick attacks and I had to quit my job that I loved (I was a diplomat), so there goes my career, my high salary and every friend and contact, all left and gone. So I voluntarely entered a psy hospital in February, 2024 and I stayed there for 6 months. They tried me on every antidepressant, antipsychotic drugs, even in combination, nothing worked. So I accepted an ECT treatment and they did that 8 times. All this time, I always, every day and every minute had suicidal thougths but I kept pushing on for my daugther whom I love like words cannot describe. And here I am, planning again my suicide because my mental health is getting worse and worse each single day and I don't want my daughter to see a wrecked, miserable father. So yeah, I feel like a very shitty person because I have to CTB but the pain is too heavy, I cannot keep on living for her. I know many people will say that I'm a bad person for abandoning my child but I truly believe it's better for everyone: my wife can have a new, healthy compagnon, and my daughter can possibly gain a father figure that she can look up to.

 

[idiotmother]

Also a parent here. Suicidal due to issues from psych meds and my own stupidity. It tears me apart to think of my daughter without me. I know she needs me and love me, but my condition is so gosh darn terrible after having an awful supplement reaction. I'm barely hanging in there with a Benzo and propranolol. I was forced into psych ward where they forced me on risperidone which I want to be off of. Terrified of everything, sleep is terrible and I just don't know what to do. All I think about is dying becsuse of the suffering and the future of further drug withdrawals and not knowing how to handle that. Anxiety is the worst thinf imaginable. Cannot function. I know I'm terrible for wanting to die when I have a a precious girl dependent on me but this suffering is surreal. I honestly feel like I've been cursed by someone.

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

Crying reading your post... I'm a married mom of 2 - I really really wish I had an answer the only reason I'm still alive is because I'm terrified of what my spouse would do to our children without me to protect them

 

[Redacted24]

For me, as the father of three young adults (oldest is 20, youngest almost 14) I wish I could say honestly that I'm holding off for them.

The truth is, I'm not.

All but the oldest one has cut me out of their lives, even though we live in the same house. I've tried to be a good father to all of them, but their mother has gotten increasingly abusive to me especially these past eight years, to the point that she pretends she can't see or hear me. She's spoken just over 50 words to me this year. And yes we live in the same house.

I've not stood up to her because when I did in the past she's done unhealthy things to "her" kids. She's cut me out of their lives and they have willingly accepted her authority, since she doesn't set boundaries like a parent should. I'm not involved in anything to do with them as a result.

So... no. They are not stopping me or even giving me pause. But when I do go, I'm going to do that in a way where they will not be aware of my departure, hopefully ever.

Yeah I've toyed with some methods where I would be found and in a place where they would know exactly what happened. But I'm not wanting to hurt them any more than I have (by proxy)

I'll simply stop being there with greetings and congratulations and recognition and birthday cards. And then they can be justified in telling people that their dad's a deadbeat and not involved ... as I'm confident they have been for years.

It'll make their reality, actual reality. And I won't be in their lives, just as I won't be in mine anymore.