Lilythefenfen
Exhausted of trying
- May 8, 2023
- 91
Whats up everyone. Just another thread to get my thoughts on paper I guess, puppy I know you're probably reading this seeing as you found my posts before, but if you want an honest representation of me this is exactly what you want.
I'm fucking exhausted, beyond fucking exhausted. I can barely sleep nor wake up without a headache these days, dragging myself out of bed takes longer and longer, but... it's getting harder and harder to find an excuse to keep going. It's not for lack of trying, nor is it your fault, it's just these terrible fucking memories of repeatedly getting assaulted over and over and over again by my rapist. When he did things to me, he would constantly put things in my head, things that are hard to forget.
I came to him because he promised to protect me, it was when I was kicked out of my home for being trans, it was all I had, all that was encouraged by people who I thought were friends. They all abandoned me when I lost my sanity, but who can blame me?
But would I have had it any other way, I probably wouldn't have met you or any of the other wonderful people I met.
It's not that I don't feel moments of happiness, I feel just like every other person alive, except that I also feel a lot of pain both mentally and physically. These past few days have been nothing but tears and contemplation on what's going on with my life. I can barely hold a job, you've helped so much and I feel guilty about it, I feel like a parasite when you deserve the world.
Moving onto another topic, I know that when I eventually do catch the bus, not even my corpse will see peace. They'll dress me in a suit and tie, spill memories that they had of me when I was alive, the fake me, and they'll call me "Loving son." I am not your fucking son, I don't know why they keep trying to hurt me, it's all so fucking confusing to me. I just want to be lily, secretly I've started HRT, secretly taking that medicine, and you know what? I'm jealous of everyone else being so much fucking prettier than me, I'm tired of this disgusting body, it needs to be destroyed. It needs to be turned to ash. Not a second goes by that I'm not judging myself over something.
I guess I'm just exhausted of the world, it's crushing weight making it hard and literally causing me to sputter and choke nearly half to death. Suicide is always on my mind at this point, you may not like it, you make not see it as rational, but please puppy, I'm in so much pain that I can't even see myself as a human being anymore. Lars took that personhood away from me in Louisiana. I'm not asking you to agree with my decisions, I'm asking you to understand that sometimes it really is just too much to bare, but know that no matter what, I love you so fucking much. This is not your fault.
Sometimes, an angel just needs to spread her wings, even if they were cut off long ago.
I love you.
- Lilyanne
I'm fucking exhausted, beyond fucking exhausted. I can barely sleep nor wake up without a headache these days, dragging myself out of bed takes longer and longer, but... it's getting harder and harder to find an excuse to keep going. It's not for lack of trying, nor is it your fault, it's just these terrible fucking memories of repeatedly getting assaulted over and over and over again by my rapist. When he did things to me, he would constantly put things in my head, things that are hard to forget.
I came to him because he promised to protect me, it was when I was kicked out of my home for being trans, it was all I had, all that was encouraged by people who I thought were friends. They all abandoned me when I lost my sanity, but who can blame me?
But would I have had it any other way, I probably wouldn't have met you or any of the other wonderful people I met.
It's not that I don't feel moments of happiness, I feel just like every other person alive, except that I also feel a lot of pain both mentally and physically. These past few days have been nothing but tears and contemplation on what's going on with my life. I can barely hold a job, you've helped so much and I feel guilty about it, I feel like a parasite when you deserve the world.
Moving onto another topic, I know that when I eventually do catch the bus, not even my corpse will see peace. They'll dress me in a suit and tie, spill memories that they had of me when I was alive, the fake me, and they'll call me "Loving son." I am not your fucking son, I don't know why they keep trying to hurt me, it's all so fucking confusing to me. I just want to be lily, secretly I've started HRT, secretly taking that medicine, and you know what? I'm jealous of everyone else being so much fucking prettier than me, I'm tired of this disgusting body, it needs to be destroyed. It needs to be turned to ash. Not a second goes by that I'm not judging myself over something.
I guess I'm just exhausted of the world, it's crushing weight making it hard and literally causing me to sputter and choke nearly half to death. Suicide is always on my mind at this point, you may not like it, you make not see it as rational, but please puppy, I'm in so much pain that I can't even see myself as a human being anymore. Lars took that personhood away from me in Louisiana. I'm not asking you to agree with my decisions, I'm asking you to understand that sometimes it really is just too much to bare, but know that no matter what, I love you so fucking much. This is not your fault.
Sometimes, an angel just needs to spread her wings, even if they were cut off long ago.
I love you.
- Lilyanne
