Venting Another failed attempt

[yellowdangerine]

Why do I keep pulling out the last minute? I had my second attempt of the week just a few minutes ago—ligature strangulation. The first attempt failed because I felt like I was doing something wrong. This second attempt, I knew I was doing everything right. I felt like I was about to pass out but then I scrambled to untie the rope around my neck. I was heaving, heart pounding, and angry at the same time at myself. Why can't I just follow through? Why can't I just either follow through with living or follow through with just ending it all?

 

[unluckysadness]

It feels that it's not the best method for you. You need to be quite "comfortable" with the method. Of course "comfortable" is not the right word, but you know what I mean. SI is such a powerful thing and CTB is not a natural thing, so it is normal to think like you are thinking right now. You will have other opportunities. And maybe things can improve in your life ?
I wish you peace whatever happens

 

[TwilightSylph]

I understand your frustration. As the above commenter said, SI is a powerful thing and some methods invoke that response much more intensely than others. I tried this method over a decade ago and I remember feeling much like you did after. The pounding feeling really is your SI taking hold. I remember my heart pounding in my head so intensely like a drum banging, even failure can be physically demanding so don't push yourself now. For me, I realised that method just won't work for me. My SI is too strong for it regardless of how much I want to CTB.
If you can, take some time to rest, have a lie down and listen to some music or put a comfort movie on. Don't blame yourself for a natural response. You mentioned this isn't your first try, but that both have been this week. Remember the demands you're putting on your body, it's exhausting. I hope for peace for you, whatever form that takes