Venting an indifferent wound

[AbsurdAbyss]

i don't know why i keep coming back here to write these posts when (almost) nobody reads them. and why should they anyway - this is no different from everything else i've sucked at all my life. maybe that's all my life's ever going to be - a failed attempt at failure. echoes deep from within the recesses of my mind - 'it was dark at first, i liked it. then came light and i hated it. i longed for the darkness to return but it kept getting brighter and brighter till it engulfed me, drove me insane. the light first took my sight, then my voice, then my words, then my identity. it left me crippled and broken, a shadow of my former self. now everything's grey and i don't even understand what's happening anymore.' i'm tired of these walls surrounding me, i have nothing left to believe in, nothing to hold on to but death. i've been dead once already - when I ruined my life to the point of never getting it back. a life resembling the shell of a ghost nobody remembers but me, that's all that remains. i wish things were different, that it didn't have to end like this. i may have lived only once but i sure as hell died a million times by simply choosing to live - and each time hurt worse than the last because time rots everything. i tried to make things right, to keep my promises to my loved ones, to stay alive despite the odds telling me i certainly won't make it. now i'm left with nothing but loss and regret, i hate myself for this. if only hellos came after goodbyes, we could see them for the warnings they hide - a prelude to unspeakable torture. everything human always ends the same way - in death. we're all gonna die and not leave anything behind but pain - pain that the living then pass amongst themselves like trophies that have lost the worth their makers' life, suffering, experience imbued them with. like a hollow reflection of years of toil and trouble banalized to the point of becoming its shallow opposite, little more than vanity in disguise. i think the longer we live, the dumber we get - learning to live with more pain for no gain - there is no 'recovering' from this cope.

- when life becomes death, death overcomes life. -