Am I the only loser?

[kindalone]

I see memes like this one here and wonder if I'm the only loser who wants to CTB. I've been on some depression forums here and there and it seems like a majority still somewhat has their shit together. Meanwhile, I'm 31 year old NEET who leeches off of his parents, has never had a relationship, has little to no friends and has no real life goals. My longest real job was 6 months in some car factory and my parents got me that job. My life is shit and everybody can see that. Nobody would wonder why I did it because why the hell wouldn't I? But somehow I feel like I'm a minority when it comes to people who are depressed or want to CTB for the reasons that I want to. It's always like "They've had such a good life" or "They had so much going for them". They can't say that about me and that's just fucked up. I feel like CTB is my fate and I'm dragging it out unnecessarily.

 

[Homo erectus]

If there were only one loser but many winners, then that loser would be a hero. But the reality is that there are only few winners and many losers. The losers seek all sorts of excuse to comfort themselves: the world is not real, all the senses are not real, there will be heaven, paradise, utopia, messiah, you don't need to be a winner to be happy, go ascetic, stoic,... yeah!

 

[MyLifeisHell]

No, you're definitely not alone. I feel similarly out of place sometimes even in spaces like this.

 

[kindalone]

No, you're definitely not alone. I feel similarly out of place sometimes even in spaces like this.

It's kinda weird. I know logically I can't be the only one going through these struggles but I don't see them often and I really look out for them. But there are people literally fighting an invisible demon. Things from the outside are fine but they are struggling from the inside.

I don't know if I'd instantly feel better if my situation improved, I always believed they would. But imagining having everything and still struggling with these dangerous thoughts is just scary. It makes me feel like even more of a failure knowing that there are people with these struggles still functioning well in society.

 

[ClockChelsea]

I could screw up a free lunch....you're not alone for certain.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

It's kinda weird. I know logically I can't be the only one going through these struggles but I don't see them often and I really look out for them. But there are people literally fighting an invisible demon. Things from the outside are fine but they are struggling from the inside.

I don't know if I'd instantly feel better if my situation improved, I always believed they would. But imagining having everything and still struggling with these dangerous thoughts is just scary. It makes me feel like even more of a failure knowing that there are people with these struggles still functioning well in society.

I mean, in terms of those tangible standards you mentioned people like us are an extreme anomaly. So you're not wrong to feel as different as you do.

A lot of it is very individual-dependent so it might be unfair to yourself to compare yourself to them by applying their experience to you.

 

[blank]

don't worry, there will always be worse people than yourself

 

[azurarcher]

I'm younger (23) and had a job my mom found for a bit longer (about 3 years) but mostly because she was working there with me. Whenever I read posts on this forum I feel so embarrassed and guilty since I'm no longer in a situation where I constantly suffer and struggle. And it's not like I have no other choice, I just choose to avoid society because of past experiences and I don't want to try anymore. I found absolute comfort in isolation and the outside world began to disgust me. But, while it did help me forget a lot of terrible things, this comfort didn't aid my creativity or motivation, the passions and obsessions I had before gradually became meaningless, and eventually, CBT became my only goal.

My life is shit and everybody can see that. Nobody would wonder why I did it because why the hell wouldn't I?

It's always like "They've had such a good life" or "They had so much going for them". They can't say that about me and that's just fucked up. I feel like CTB is my fate and I'm dragging it out unnecessarily.

That's how I feel too. The title of the news article about my death would be "good riddance" if there would be any article at all haha...

Thanks for posting your story, it's nice to know that there are people in similar situations

 

[AllMyDreams]

I can kind of relate to both situations because I was a gifted child and straight-A student at college, and got a well-paying job, but I left that job a few months ago and now just sit at home on the computer all day. Unless I turn things around I'll become a NEET for the long term. Am also autistic/OCD.

Anyway I wouldn't let it get to you too much. If anything you can learn from these more "successful" people (who are depressed like you): career success, external validation etc. won't necessarily make you happier. Happiness has to come from inside and if you base your happiness on external factors/accomplishments you will never be satisfied. In my experience many people who are wealthy/successful are depressed either because of mental illness or because they've focused too much on their career and not relationships, or they have spent time making money for the sake of impressing other people and don't actually care at all about what they do.

Don't get me wrong, you can/should definitely set some goals. You are still relatively young. But you can improve your life without falling into the trap that these "successful" people did. Set goals and aspire for things, but always be grateful for what you have no matter what your circumstances. Seek love from other people, but love yourself for what you are so that you'll always have self-love inside you.

 

[bigdog]

Life is based on luck. Just relax it is not your fault anyway

 

[LadyAlastor]

No your not alone

 

[kindalone]

I can kind of relate to both situations because I was a gifted child and straight-A student at college, and got a well-paying job, but I left that job a few months ago and now just sit at home on the computer all day. Unless I turn things around I'll become a NEET for the long term. Am also autistic/OCD.

Anyway I wouldn't let it get to you too much. If anything you can learn from these more "successful" people (who are depressed like you): career success, external validation etc. won't necessarily make you happier. Happiness has to come from inside and if you base your happiness on external factors/accomplishments you will never be satisfied. In my experience many people who are wealthy/successful are depressed either because of mental illness or because they've focused too much on their career and not relationships, or they have spent time making money for the sake of impressing other people and don't actually care at all about what they do.

Don't get me wrong, you can/should definitely set some goals. You are still relatively young. But you can improve your life without falling into the trap that these "successful" people did. Set goals and aspire for things, but always be grateful for what you have no matter what your circumstances. Seek love from other people, but love yourself for what you are so that you'll always have self-love inside you.

Unfortunately, I never got a degree and I have an equivalent of a highschool diploma (not from the US). I was always an underachiever and that would be my downfall for the next decade. I failed out of 2 universities. Parents were too trusting and believed I could do it so they financially supported me but in the end I turned out to be a big failure. Happiness isn't the thing I'm after rather than being able to live independently. But I'm full of excuses and fear. Never really learned to function in the real world because I always chose the way of least resistance.

I'm not jealous of extremely successful people. I envy normal people who can pay their bills and don't need financial assistance. I would never call these people losers. They're better than me in every way. Writing this down made me realize that I shouldn't really wonder why I feel quite alone with my struggles. Everyone figures that out eventually. I didn't.

My sister asked me once what I actually want. That question is still somewhat hard for me to answer. If you don't know what you want, how can you make goals. Maybe I'm afraid of voicing what I really want because I'm ashamed or I have the weird assumption that somebody like me should not want that. Who knows.

Shame is really the biggest problem I'm facing. It hinders me from doing anything. Even now I feel ashamed for dumping all that text here. I don't know how to fix that.

 

[kindalone]

You are not alone, I'm 22 and I check all your boxes.
Virgin
Never had true close friends
Hikikomori for the past 3 years
Severe internet addiction and a bunch of mental illnesses
No goals and no reason to live

I highly doubt I will be that different if I decide not to CTB and hit your age. The only reason why I still haven't pulled the trigger on CTB is because I'm horrified of what it would to my mom and dad.

I wonder what I would have told myself when I was your age. I was always depressed but looking back now it seems like I was fussing over nothing. The shit I've gone through was almost arbitrary. I don't know your situation so I don't want to give any concrete advice, especially with the situation I'm in right now. But if you make it to my age, which I hope, I think you will think that the situation you are in was manageable. Shit always seems worse in the moment. A thought I might have to apply to my situation right now.

 

[AllMyDreams]

Unfortunately, I never got a degree and I have an equivalent of a highschool diploma (not from the US). I was always an underachiever and that would be my downfall for the next decade. I failed out of 2 universities. Parents were too trusting and believed I could do it so they financially supported me but in the end I turned out to be a big failure. Happiness isn't the thing I'm after rather than being able to live independently. But I'm full of excuses and fear. Never really learned to function in the real world because I always chose the way of least resistance.

I'm not jealous of extremely successful people. I envy normal people who can pay their bills and don't need financial assistance. I would never call these people losers. They're better than me in every way. Writing this down made me realize that I shouldn't really wonder why I feel quite alone with my struggles. Everyone figures that out eventually. I didn't.

My sister asked me once what I actually want. That question is still somewhat hard for me to answer. If you don't know what you want, how can you make goals. Maybe I'm afraid of voicing what I really want because I'm ashamed or I have the weird assumption that somebody like me should not want that. Who knows.

Shame is really the biggest problem I'm facing. It hinders me from doing anything. Even now I feel ashamed for dumping all that text here. I don't know how to fix that.

I see. Well... first off, I think it's great that you're not jealous of extremely successful people. Because so many out there spend time on social media being jealous of extremely successful people, and since it's unrealistic of them to become that way, they are perpetually miserable.

You are jealous of regular people who have jobs. And I believe (unless you have serious mental illness) that you can get one. You shouldn't feel ashamed if you are trying to better yourself, so don't let that hold you back! People may judge/ask questions a little at first about your situation, but frankly most people won't think about you that much, because the truth is that everyone is primarily focused on their own lives and concerns.

At the end of the day, if you can get a job that you like, and live out the rest of your life just enjoying every day as much as you can, you will be more successful than the millions of people who have good incomes but are miserable and unfulfilled.

I appreciate that and think you are correct if you would be saying that to a normal person, but I'm not normal. I have aspergers to begin with, but in the middle of elementary school I got severely addicted to the internet, and I do not say that lightly. It was the kind of addiction where I started pushing my parents out of my room, completely disassociating from the real world and not being able to function without being plugged in.

This wasn't just like for a few hours per day, but 8-12 hours most days for 10 years. It began when I was 12 years old and for some reason none of my parents did anything about it. Since I got sucked in so early I bonded with the screen and genuinely didn't know I was living a completely sick lifestyle until I hit my 20's. The kind of damage that this type of escapism/addiction leaves on the brain is irreversible imo. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I think I'm being realistic that there is no hope and that CTB is the only way for me to truly fix this...

I'm 23 and have Asperger's too. Am kind of similar in that I spend way more time on the computer than with people (I did go to college and have a job until recently though)

Have you tried therapy/dopamine detoxes? Since you're only 22 you can still change a lot. If you're not actually "doing" anything (except e.g., playing video games), then maybe you could start by finding ways to retreat from society that involve the real world. Read a book, create art, find just one hobby to take up and slowly go from there. Here's some more information:

What helped me also was figuring out what specifically I was addicted to and rationalizing myself to stop. First I was obsessed with watching every YouTube video from every channel I subscribed to (even if I wasn't interested in the video I had to watch it). I focused on internalizing how irrational and how much of a waste of time it was. Then it was video games. I told myself how it was a fake world and that I need to interact with real events. Then I wanted to research sports statistics. I told myself how sport is just a distraction and doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things until I stopped. Now it's more that I want to be on social media and be the first to respond to any news. It gives me dopamine and I keep coming back. I'm trying to tell myself that my reading about news doesn't actually affect anything that happens, and that I can use this time to actually "do" something.

 

[kindalone]

I appreciate that and think you are correct if you would be saying that to a normal person, but I'm not normal. I have aspergers to begin with, but in the middle of elementary school I got severely addicted to the internet, and I do not say that lightly. It was the kind of addiction where I started pushing my parents out of my room, completely disassociating from the real world and not being able to function without being plugged in.

This wasn't just like for a few hours per day, but 8-12 hours most days for 10 years. It began when I was 12 years old and for some reason none of my parents did anything about it. Since I got sucked in so early I bonded with the screen and genuinely didn't know I was living a completely sick lifestyle until I hit my 20's. The kind of damage that this type of escapism/addiction leaves on the brain is irreversible imo. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I think I'm being realistic that there is no hope and that CTB is the only way for me to truly fix this...

That is tough. I don't have aspergers but I did isolate quite severely for several years. So I can kinda imagine what your life is like. Spending so much time on my PC, playing games or being on the internet didn't even feel good anymore. I even felt miserable doing it. This was when I was 25.

I think at one point I just started doing chores for my parents. They did and paid everything for me. Like you I didn't want to hurt them by CTB. But if I did really love them I thought I should at least do something for them. Still, I didn't want to leave the house though. But I started to do laundry for them, cleaned the house, cooked dinner. I've basically turned into their maid and I was proud of it. I did little repairs here and there and tried to be as helpful as possible. In the end, I even bought groceries. My parents were constantly stressed in the past. They work 12 hours a day and my mom used to do chores additionally to that. If I really didn't want to be a burden to them, then at least I could do that. They really became happier as a result of that and our relationship became better. I slowly got myself out of the house that way.

This is not advice. It's just how I approached the situation. You can do whatever you feel like. It is all valid. At the end of the day, we're still in the same shit.

I see. Well... first off, I think it's great that you're not jealous of extremely successful people. Because so many out there spend time on social media being jealous of extremely successful people, and since it's unrealistic of them to become that way, they are perpetually miserable.

You are jealous of regular people who have jobs. And I believe (unless you have serious mental illness) that you can get one. You shouldn't feel ashamed if you are trying to better yourself, so don't let that hold you back! People may judge/ask questions a little at first about your situation, but frankly most people won't think about you that much, because the truth is that everyone is primarily focused on their own lives and concerns.

At the end of the day, if you can get a job that you like, and live out the rest of your life just enjoying every day as much as you can, you will be more successful than the millions of people who have good incomes but are miserable and unfulfilled.

I think regardless of how I feel or thing right now, I need to do something. It's just overwhelming with these negative thoughts and the low self-esteem. I guess I have nothing to lose now so whatever.

 

[MemberOfTheMatrix]

There is always someone lower then you.

 

[TakeMeBack07]

I've never worked. I couldn't even finish work experience in an office environment. I was told not to come back after 1 week for being unsociable. I actually enjoyed and got the work done though. I feel broken on a fundamental level. I'm rejected and want nothing more than to be accepted. I wish to be fixed. Im not sure what the answers are though. But I don't even know if I'm worth investing in. I wouldn't mind being given a gun and then told to shoot myself by some authority. I'd understand and agree with them. Ultimately , I see no reason for why social and financial capital should be invested in someone like me over someone who's neurotypical where you'd get better yields.

 

[Unlucked]

I see memes like this one here and wonder if I'm the only loser who wants to CTB. I've been on some depression forums here and there and it seems like a majority still somewhat has their shit together. Meanwhile, I'm 31 year old NEET who leeches off of his parents, has never had a relationship, has little to no friends and has no real life goals. My longest real job was 6 months in some car factory and my parents got me that job. My life is shit and everybody can see that. Nobody would wonder why I did it because why the hell wouldn't I? But somehow I feel like I'm a minority when it comes to people who are depressed or want to CTB for the reasons that I want to. It's always like "They've had such a good life" or "They had so much going for them". They can't say that about me and that's just fucked up. I feel like CTB is my fate and I'm dragging it out unnecessarily.

I'm basically like you, except 24. And I am trans girl.i tried to un neet myself by going to Korea and getting a surgery but now I'm probably going to die from the complications...

Honestly if you've worked you are still solid, go back to school and work and get a career even if you are friendless. Then travel a bunch alone so you can tell people you've been here and there. It's ironic coming from me but church activities can Add 1000+ richness to your life. I started attending again and even just the seminars give me some joy even though I'm in so much pain 24/7.

Much love.

 

[kindalone]

I've never worked. I couldn't even finish work experience in an office environment. I was told not to come back after 1 week for being unsociable. I actually enjoyed and got the work done though. I feel broken on a fundamental level. I'm rejected and want nothing more than to be accepted. I wish to be fixed. Im not sure what the answers are though. But I don't even know if I'm worth investing in. I wouldn't mind being given a gun and then told to shoot myself by some authority. I'd understand and agree with them. Ultimately , I see no reason for why social and financial capital should be invested in someone like me over someone who's neurotypical where you'd get better yields.

That is so fucked up for them to reject you like that. Honestly, fuck them. They had no right to do that.

 

[Gaga786]

I have always been the sad, hopeless kid. My mother used to comment on how useless of a space I had been since birth, and my father had utterly abandoned me. My frequent bullying at school didn't help. Everyone basically kept telling me how stupid, pitiful, and worthless I was. At the age of 20, I find myself to be a completely worthless human being. Im sorry to see you suffering so much, and I hope you gain the inner peace that you yearn.