dra1ncoreslwt
tove 𓆩♡𓆪
- Mar 22, 2023
- 129
im gonna try to let out this coherently, but I've had a hard time getting my thoughts together for like a week.
I've had a harsh couple of days because things are tense in my household, with family members asking questions I cant answer and me watching myself get worse while wanting to change but overall feeling way too realistic and even pessimistic. I try to excuse and find a reason to me being sad but I can't help but feel like I'm "not making sense" or like im exaggerating… its hard because I recently had another panic attack but this time it felt a bit out of nowhere, I ended up self harming. even though everything is stressing me out, I feel like the only thing that's been peaceful is sh, and researching about methods has given me a lot of time to reconsider and organize my thoughts, however I feel like I can't really get there? I'm trying to stay cheery with the people around me but truth is everytime i say "I love you" I feel an immense amount of guilt. because the majority of me just wants a break, to rest, to sleep and not wake up. yet another part of me feels frantic to get my shit together, but I constantly get put down by myself because of fear to the consequences of what I've seen before when I try and be better (being let down, relapsing, an inconvenience making my life harder than it is) I've been feeling a bit numb health wise, taking my meds does the physical work but skipping meals and being reckless just is a part of me now, the uncomfortability is so overwhelming, my broken rib has stopped hurting but everytime I touch it or lay weird it does. tbh I don't know how to feel, the paranoia is there but now I'm just tense, waiting for something bad to happen.
I've had a harsh couple of days because things are tense in my household, with family members asking questions I cant answer and me watching myself get worse while wanting to change but overall feeling way too realistic and even pessimistic. I try to excuse and find a reason to me being sad but I can't help but feel like I'm "not making sense" or like im exaggerating… its hard because I recently had another panic attack but this time it felt a bit out of nowhere, I ended up self harming. even though everything is stressing me out, I feel like the only thing that's been peaceful is sh, and researching about methods has given me a lot of time to reconsider and organize my thoughts, however I feel like I can't really get there? I'm trying to stay cheery with the people around me but truth is everytime i say "I love you" I feel an immense amount of guilt. because the majority of me just wants a break, to rest, to sleep and not wake up. yet another part of me feels frantic to get my shit together, but I constantly get put down by myself because of fear to the consequences of what I've seen before when I try and be better (being let down, relapsing, an inconvenience making my life harder than it is) I've been feeling a bit numb health wise, taking my meds does the physical work but skipping meals and being reckless just is a part of me now, the uncomfortability is so overwhelming, my broken rib has stopped hurting but everytime I touch it or lay weird it does. tbh I don't know how to feel, the paranoia is there but now I'm just tense, waiting for something bad to happen.
