Discussion Almost time

[ThinkingAboutThis]

I think it's almost time for me to go. I've really tried to make it and survive, but the suffering is too much. Too much medication damage that may or may not ever reverse, and the life that I was once proud of had turned into a wreckage. I feel this sense of dignity that is basically telling me that I need to go on my own terms. I have been hurt, bullied, shamed, physically and verbally abused and humiliated in my life too many times. I have barely survived over the last 4 years thanks to a family member, strong survival instinct, grace of God, and a few friends who showed up when the need was great. Also, I am very thankful to some long distance friendships I'd made with people suffering in similar ways, so I am grateful to them

But I do feel I am living on borrowed time. I have managed to keep myself from going homeless, and I have secured food, roof over head, heating and sanitation. However, the grief and regret of how my life got where it got is destroying me and the type of situation I am in where the problems cannot be addressed directly, and being stuck in this "waiting game" and "hoping that things may improve one day" is absolutely destroying me spiritually.

Ironically, I was the last person to consider ctb. I recall having fleeting thoughts at the age of 21, but that was very short lived and was very situational. But this time, it's different, far more long lasting and far more serious. Trust me, if I saw hope, I'd keep going, but just today was brutal. I cried for hours, and I feel grief of thousand lifetimes. I cannot withstand this pain any longer. I have not found any person on this planet who will meet me where I am at and hear it all and say. "I understand. I completely understand". I don't really expect it to happen anymore

I have called the Samaritans line twice today and have called the national prevention line just to calm myself down, so I could make it through the rest of the day. I am so tired of living my days like this. It has honestly become far too much.

 

[couragetodie]

You are in pain. Many of us can relate. I am sorry that you suffer. I suffer too. I will not try to convince you life will get better. Maybe it will; maybe it will not. You are the master of your destiny and you need to do what is best for you. I hope that your pain goes away. I hope that all of our pain goes away.

 

[21Neberg]

I can't imagine what you're going through right now - but I can relate to the loneliness you feel. I hope your method works out.

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

I can't imagine what you're going through right now - but I can relate to the loneliness you feel. I hope your method works out.

I think the method would probably work out, but I am never alone, and that's a huge problem.

 

[21Neberg]

I think the method would probably work out, but I am never alone, and that's a huge problem.

Consider booking a hotel room to get the privacy you need.

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

Consider booking a hotel room to get the privacy you need.

Suffering from extreme agoraphobia, sadly :(

 

[21Neberg]

Suffering from extreme agoraphobia, sadly :(

I'm sorry. Do you really not have any moments when you're home alone for long enough?
If you truly don't, consider A) asking them to leave you alone for a couple of hours or B) blocking the door so they can't get in, even if they wanted to.

 

[Macc Lad]

Suffering from extreme agoraphobia, sadly :(

my wife suffers with that also........i feel your pain buddy!

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

I'm sorry. Do you really not have any moments when you're home alone for long enough?
If you truly don't, consider A) asking them to leave you alone for a couple of hours or B) blocking the door so they can't get in, even if they wanted to.

I have found some time at night. I had practiced with 2 pieces of elastic fabric over my neck, and I think that a combination of those and a couple of strong outdoor-style electric cords should put enough pressure around neck. I wish I'd found a better way, but this is the best I can do in my disabled state. Planning to go without any medications or anything to make it more tolerable because I don't want the instant relief to change my mind .

 

[HellinHeaven]

Your condition sounds terrible painful, just wanna give you a cuddle. We're here immaterial on how you decide.

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

Your condition sounds terrible painful, just wanna give you a cuddle. We're here immaterial on how you decide.

Thank you so much. It means a lot. It just hurts so much to live at the moment. I appreciate the message.

 

[21Neberg]

I have found some time at night. I had practiced with 2 pieces of elastic fabric over my neck, and I think that a combination of those and a couple of strong outdoor-style electric cords should put enough pressure around neck. I wish I'd found a better way, but this is the best I can do in my disabled state. Planning to go without any medications or anything to make it more tolerable because I don't want the instant relief to change my mind .

Sounds like you've set everything up properly. Good luck friend.