The only thing I want is support in my decision. I am living with severe and debilitating chronic pain. I can no longer work so I will just end up homeless, in the projects, in jail, or a mental institution like this. That's not the life I wanted to live. I feared death so much like most people do, but now I could care less.
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When you are really ready you will see it as less scary than it is. You stop being intimidated by the difficulty or the possibility of failure. You become bent on succeeding and probably won't stop trying until u finally succeed in ctb. If nitrogen fails and I'm not brain damaged I'll probably try something different. Nembutal would probably be my next try, and if I can't get that. I'll jump in front of a semi truck lol! Just kidding but I won't stop trying to ctb because I've made up my mind that I want to die in the very near future.
thatguyakira123
Experienced
- Apr 10, 2018
- 217
I understand this quite well. I myself am strongly thinking this as of recent. Before it was so easy, I saw the world for the shit it is and made many attempts. But now that I've set a date for myself my mind is trying to make me see the good in things, making me fear my mom's feelings after I do it, making me see what I might miss in the future. I hate that rancid hope perpetuated by survival instinct becuase I know If I put myself out there I will fail hard. Maybe I should put myself out there so when I fail hard I'd have no problem dong it.
You sound like me. I've got my list of methods and I'll keep trying until I get it right. My preferred methods are:
1. Nitrogen
2. Nembutal
3. Gunshot
My first preferred method was the tourniquet method but I failed. I might still give that one more try using something else besides pajama pants, like maybe pantyhose.
Yes it can definitely be hard. I think part of the reason my attempts didn't work was because the survival instinct would always kick in. That's why I want to do something instant.
It's really relatable! We are all the products of 3.5 billion years of evolution and of course, our brains will try and keep us alive at any cost.
The way I see it is this: I will not do it until I am 100% sure the time is right for me to do so. I am not a half-hearted attempts kind of person, I will not do anything but then in the end get the lethal stuff and really try to kill myself. Many people for example, take benzos or some other not so lethal substance in attempts half-knowing that they will not die in order to get help, or to make family members aware of their suffering etc. It is not the case often, but it does happen every once in a while. That's not the path for me. If I have any doubts about it, then I will live on some more. It's not a race, maybe things will change. So only do it if you have the feeling nothing is ever going to change and you cannot go on for one second longer. Then the time has come. If you are still debating it, don't do it. It is not right for you. Who knows-I have never really tried to do so and maybe my opinion will change if I try.
The way I see it is this: I will not do it until I am 100% sure the time is right for me to do so. I am not a half-hearted attempts kind of person, I will not do anything but then in the end get the lethal stuff and really try to kill myself. Many people for example, take benzos or some other not so lethal substance in attempts half-knowing that they will not die in order to get help, or to make family members aware of their suffering etc. It is not the case often, but it does happen every once in a while. That's not the path for me. If I have any doubts about it, then I will live on some more. It's not a race, maybe things will change. So only do it if you have the feeling nothing is ever going to change and you cannot go on for one second longer. Then the time has come. If you are still debating it, don't do it. It is not right for you. Who knows-I have never really tried to do so and maybe my opinion will change if I try.
Midnight
Beyond solace
- Jun 30, 2018
- 624
I think it's different for everyone. Not everyone here necessarily wants do die. Some are forced into it, others want to etc...
I don't know what excactly to tell you but you have to figure it out on your own.
I don't know what excactly to tell you but you have to figure it out on your own.
I don't want to die. I really REALLY don't want to die. It's just that soon I may have no choice. It depends on what happens to my income. I don't know how long I have to wait to find out if I get to keep it. I'm guessing I have a month or two.
I still have my mother pushing me to get better. I know I'm a lost cause. It's just a matter of time. I am tired of suffering with only feint hope. I fear both life and death. Having someone to go through with it together would make it that much easier.
