Abuse, Bullying and Trauma Megathread

[gummycentipede]

There are people actively trying to drive me to suicide. They are desperately trying to hasten an inevitable process lmao!
The thing is they are convinced that they actually have some moral high ground being drug dealers, money launderers, crooks, cronies and yes men. It shows that some people never leave high school they become shitty micromanagers, join organizations and plot to destroy people who have slighted them, just like they're a pack of 14 year olds at a lunch table. This time they have drug money and a lawless country where they can run amok. They make sure people can be hired or fired or black listed to bend other people to their will.

They spend their entire lives in this terminal state. Trying to live out the plot to their favorite tv shows (like 'suits' or 'scandal') not realizing these unrealistic and wooden characters wouldn't have to deal with actual consequence be it emotional, spiritual and physical. Some of them even parade as being very religious too. Advocates for social justice! While they're actively throwing people in the meat grinder, not knowing they're in another meat grinder of their own. Sociopaths hiding in plain sight primed and ready to be swallowed by a bigger fish, or entropy.. obscurity and death.

I'd wish they'd let me die in the same lonely and insignificant death they're all destined for as 72 year old demented high schoolers.

Seeing your post being the only one like my situation and the lack of a response I got has made me realize why they choose to do this way; to anyone who's never dealt with it before, it probably just sounds like undiagnosed schizophrenic talk and if I had never ended up a similar way, I probably would've thought the same. It's such an utterly hopeless situation, and I hate that the people who figure out how easy it is to get away with this nonsense get to thrive off the satisfaction of ruining the lives of people they don't like. Through such ridiculous means like gossip and baseless accusations, too, without any real chance of repercussions because of their connections.

Where I live, I can't get help because this damn country's reputation for being accepting of anyone, no matter what colour they are, makes any claim that goes against that automatically unbelievable. Coupled with the fact that I just can't articulate myself well at all, think so damn slow and can't problem solve for some godforsaken reason just leaves me so powerless in dealing with all the shit they get to make up about me, and attribute to the features I was born with not meeting this world's accursed beauty standard and my race. I'm so distraught over the fact I ended up living through my worst nightmares when I was trying to make a positive change in my life from a constant feeling of emptiness, and I'm just so tired of being coerced into beating myself up over every aspect of my being that I'm not even given the opportunity to change.

I've been subjected to such a large variety of harassment that it's so damn hard to put into words the collective effect of it all happening unpredictably, day after day, has had on me. Since day one in the city, I get aggressively coughed at on-sight, and never fail to garner the states of everyone in the area just for being there. Landlords I arranged viewings with would just cancel out-of-the-blue minutes after I got there, waiting for them to arrive, or show me units they didn't even intend to rent out for an entire season. I've had buses pass by me for no reason at all or intentionally schedule around me so they wouldn't have to pick me up. And anytime they do, they stop to radio in as if I'm going to do something, even the ones that have seen me for months, and I have never seen them do this for anyone else. Not even people obstructing their faces with hoods on, simply because they aren't my skin tone.

The other people on the buses are even worse- I'm always the object of scrutiny on it, and people will record me on their phones or take photos for no reason at all, and everyone around will just act like I deserve it, just for being there. They'll openly make snide comments about me about how ugly I look, how useless I am even though I had two jobs (some of them even fucking knew that) and how I don't pay fare, even though I know I wouldn't have been let on since they always pay so much goddamn attention to me whenever I'm not board- and not even just on board, but outside when I'm just walking along the damn sidewalk! Not to mention all the accusations of stalking people just for sitting behind them when I've almost never even seen them before, and having to deal with everyone else gathering around, spreading word, or keeping their eye on me in some dumb attempt to intimidate me out of doing something I'm not even trying to do.

And I don't even know where to start with stores- I kid you not, every single one I've been to goes on high alert when I walk in. I'm almost always getting followed if not actively being watched. Some don't even give me service! They stay locked up if I'm in the area before they open, and it stays that way until I leave. And the ones that do serve me end up losing business, so they all push me away one way or another, either by locking up when I usually visit, hiring new hires with no issue refusing me, refusing my cards at the terminal or just staring at me in dead silence in place of a usual greeting they give to everyone else.

I cannot sit at any restaurant without being looked at by everyone, and people will make me the topic of their conversations and just stare when I'm just there to pass the time, which I'm apparently not allowed to do in this city.
I'll sit on a bench and be met with the puffs of smoke of the nearest smoker. One time I even felt so awful I just wanted to find an alleyway to lean against a wall in and just breathe, yet even then I got followed just so they could shoot their dumb coughing act at me.

I've had my apartment door lock messed with in a way that made it impossible to lock without the use of a de-icer, which I had to leave unlocked while buying, leading to my things getting tampered with because nobody here cares what happens to me. I've had an electric bike I used religiously to avoid using the bus get stolen because everyone hated that I had it and enjoyed myself using, that they messed with it regularly to trip me up mid-ride and have me killed on the road or just piss me off because they wanted to. I have to deal with people messing with me right outside my apartment by messing with my phone and laptop screens via- I don't even know, Bluetooth? I still haven't figured it out- while I'm trying to de-stress after dealing with everything I have to put up with outside of the comfort of my apartment. Speaking of, my apartment even got thrashed and said laptop plus my furniture destroyed while out for work when plumbers had crawlspace work assigned at our building because I'm not white like the majority of the neighbourhood and I don't deserve anything good in life because of it, apparently.

On a related note, one of those plumbers I know who's part of this who barely did jack shit anytime I saw him on-site, and some of his coworkers even acknowledged it, yet for some damn reason he's apparently one of the most influential people in this hellhole since I always hear him laughing with somebody different at me, mocking something I do or something about me that he shouldn't even know about because I've barely told anybody. Everybody- everybody- around me who associates with me reguarly starts reacting negatively to my presence at some point for some inexplicable reason nobody ever wishes to explain. He and everyone else constantly tracking me have to be the reason for everything in my life falling apart but I can't even do anything because they've run me dry on money for any legal action or sudden moves, and whoever in the police took over my case is working with them and telling them everything I report so they can switch it up. For the longest time I've felt completely and utterless hopeless, but I feel so stupid about it now because I ended up putting myself in my current position where that truly became reality- and the only reason it started is because I wanted to change my life for the better.

I was just some shut-in from another province who stayed indoors whenever I didn't need to be outside, yet everybody where I live has found some reason or another to treat me like I'm on some wanted list I can't find any trace of, if not just some zoo exhibit- not even a person- that belongs behind bars. I don't even know why I am still alive. My parents were gracious enough to welcome me back home, and I want to pay them back for literally saving my life from an almost certain future of death during false imprisonment.

A robbery occurred at my workplace and my coworker's car was stolen. Nobody was able to determine exactly when it happened, but since the last person who came in was able to attest it was still there at 1am (I'm an overnight), the most likely time would have been at some point afterward, before dawn- when I usually go out to get something nearby for my lunch break. If my dad hadn't come by 2 days before and given me the food I brought in that day, I almost certainly would've been pinned as the criminal. The owner of the store wouldn't confirm I was in the break room, even though I know for a fact I was on his mini camera he has directly pointed at my usual seat, and everything I told the cops about anyway of my own volition (I was never questioned) about another car that went missing nearby that went unreported for some reason and returned about two weeks later was completely disregarded. This had to be planned.

With that said, I'm certain these people would follow me and continue to destroy any shred of hope I have left just because they enjoy it. And I'm sure that would include destroying the lives of my family. I hate these people so much, but I hate myself even more for not being better, since I feel like it would have prevented so much of this, if not everything entirely. I'm such a sorry excuse for a human being. My life doesn't even sound real, and I'm sure nobody will ever believe a word I say because of it, and I'm sure that will include all of you reading too, despite how understanding you all seem to be. I figured after seeing this other post out there, even though our situations aren't exactly the same, that I'd share my similar experience with it myself, so that they and anyone else going through it knows they aren't just imagining things, and that they aren't suffering through it alone. If a person being subjected to this same kind of madness is really out there: If nobody else, I want you to know I went through it too, and I hope your situation gets better, or that you're able to find peace again in one way or another. It's not your fault- people learn they can get away with being awful and take advantage of it just to satiate their despicable pleasures. I wish the worst for them to come to pass. And on the off-chance my situation really is just one-of-a-kind? I hope nobody else becomes like me

 

[catastrophix]

TW: CSA / SA mentions (nor detailed)

I experienced repeated CSA by three different people nearly every day for years. Didn't really even have time to think about it all and recover, because I was SA'd by one of my first partners a couple years after.

Now, I feel like nobody loves me and never could. I'm so fucked up from all that— Mentally and physically. I don't trust many people, especially men. I feel undeserving and inferior to everyone. Physically, I'm practically infertile (not that I wanted kids anyway) and I have sharp stabbing pain in my pelvis region a lot, which could be psychosomatic or something else that I'm unaware of. It's like my brain is convinced that abuse = love and that kindness is a foreign concept that I don't deserve to have.

I hate what this all has made me become. I just wanna be truly loved by someone. Don't even gotta be in a romantic way, platonically would work too. Just… someone who won't end up taking advantage of me. There's been way too many people I haven't fully listed here that have taken advantage of me. One of my biggest fears is that I will never know genuine love, and that I'll die alone.

 

[HonestAbe]

I used to be shy when I was a kid. It wasn't good in my neighborhood with bullies but they treated everyone bad. However, I was shy. I was an east target. The 4th grade was when it truly started everywhere, and helped ruin my life.

I was abused by my dad when I was a little kid off and on through until I was 17 and went after him. He never touched me again. I snapped at my dad but was powerless at school. Too many vs just little old me. It wasn't fair. It never is.

I've had some of the most messed up and abnormal things happen to me throughout my life. but the bullying and abuse did the most damage.

To this day I still hate jocks. They trigger me greatly. I know all their secrets. However, I was never a rat as it's the code. When you're bullied you become used to the beatings, staring, teasing, and mocking.

When it's by women it's worse. The verbal is worse because women just have that power. You expect the worst from guys because they are, well guys.

The past 5 years my PTSD has become a large part of my life, whereas it used to just be sporadic and I could function better. It's become so bad and I've tried everything to fix it to no avail. One day I know I'll hit that major low and I'll end it.

What many in society do not understand, and it really bothers me. is nobody would choose to think about such traumatic, bad things from the past.

You're done with it or think you are until it hits you like a punch in the face out of nowhere unless triggered by something and it will not let you go.

It can come at any time and ruins anything near you. You may be done with the past but the past isn't done with you. It's how I've always described PTSD.

I have loads from my high school days where I was a suicidal mess 24/7. I have at least 2 flashbacks everyday of some lovely horror from my past.

It's taking its toll and comes out of nowhere whether it's my crazy dad from my childhood, stupid jocks, popular girls when I was a shy geek etc. it's little by little destroying me and I know soon I'm likely to implode, but I'm still here.

I'm not sure how I am, but I am. Honestly not sure if that's bad or good anymore as it almost always feels bad, but one day in peace without my overactive mind on overdrive would be a good day.

 

[Littlebeeme]

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.

My mother would tell me that my family hates me, and that I had no friends because of my personality. That if I didn't change and "act normal" I might as well die. I told her I was having thoughts about ending it, cause I thought I could talk to my mom about these things, and she told me I was a spoiled bitch just saying that to get my way and make her feel bad. I was so alone. I was getting bullied so bad at school that I would take my lunch and eat it in the bathroom on the toilet everyday. I had no one. I even hated god because I thought he hated me. I believed that no one could ever love me and if they said they did they were lying. to this day I feel like it's me against the world. almost like I'm an alien. I'll never trust anyone again.

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.

(just about bullying)
I remember taking my lunch to the library everyday to hide from other people, until one day, the popular girls came in. they came in and saw me, and said: "hi!!! Omg we will sit with you" and they all sat down at my table. I was so uncomfortable. Cause I knew they were making fun of me. after 5 min another one of the popular kids came in and sat at another table. They said to me: "ok we're gonna sit with them now ur weird af LOL" and got up and sat away from me. After that they all laughed at me from the other table until I got up and sat in the bathroom to eat. and i didn't even cry. it was so normal. I was emotionless. fuck school man lol

 

[jacrispy]

currently going through the worst bout of mental abuse I've ever endured. was with a woman I loved very dearly for a few months, we were intimate and she said it made her "anxious" from past trauma. it's obviously her story to share, but she told me 2 days after the fact. if I'd known before hand I never would have taken that step. two weeks after we did that she said she needed "space" which ended up with me being blocked and ignored. I reached out and said it was unfair for me to not be able to get my feelings out and her entire family ganged up on me, saying it was disrespectful for me to contact her. then I came to find out she was claiming I knew she was anxious about our situation while we were in the middle of sex, when she hasn't said anything for two entire weeks, yet I continued to be intimate with her. she's heavily implying that I had sex with her knowing she was anxious, almost stating I raped her. it's made me want to CTB more than ever.

 

[SolomonKado]

I have worked at a job for many years telling myself "it will get better" and "just hang in there it will be worth it."

I have seen everything from dirty staff, favoritism, and bullying of staff just to make sure they know who's in charge even if their wrong. The 10+ years I worked there I was denied special teams and promotions because I couldnt shut my mouth and "fall in line."

Every day it was something. I got to a point seeing a recent dirty supervisor that got me hurt. While I was out on workmans comp I healed up, but when I tried going back to work I starting having panic attacks so bad I had to leave.

Why was this my path? I just did I have to deal with so much? I hurt didn't it get better? I have been on a medical hold for so long they "let me go" from that job. Now I'm unemployed and about to run out of money which I then will lose my home and vehicle.

I can't leave the house for anything because my agoraphobia is so bad. Someone out there will possibly hurt me. Doesn't help that last year I was in a car accident because her other person wasn't paying attention.

My mother would tell me that my family hates me, and that I had no friends because of my personality. That if I didn't change and "act normal" I might as well die. I told her I was having thoughts about ending it, cause I thought I could talk to my mom about these things, and she told me I was a spoiled bitch just saying that to get my way and make her feel bad. I was so alone. I was getting bullied so bad at school that I would take my lunch and eat it in the bathroom on the toilet everyday. I had no one. I even hated god because I thought he hated me. I believed that no one could ever love me and if they said they did they were lying. to this day I feel like it's me against the world. almost like I'm an alien. I'll never trust anyone again.

(just about bullying)
I remember taking my lunch to the library everyday to hide from other people, until one day, the popular girls came in. they came in and saw me, and said: "hi!!! Omg we will sit with you" and they all sat down at my table. I was so uncomfortable. Cause I knew they were making fun of me. after 5 min another one of the popular kids came in and sat at another table. They said to me: "ok we're gonna sit with them now ur weird af LOL" and got up and sat away from me. After that they all laughed at me from the other table until I got up and sat in the bathroom to eat. and i didn't even cry. it was so normal. I was emotionless. fuck school man lol

I am so sorry you had to deal with that kind of abuse. Why bring us into this world if your not going to show unconditional love and support?!?!

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

Humans are evil fuckkng trash.

They are so rash, boastful, proud of themselves for the shitty things they do, evil doers, hypersensitive, jump to conclusions and take revenge on people.

I was antagonized with so much growing up by adults and kids that bullied me and it turned me into a raging monstrous beast.

i was intense and fought back hard and it was used against me to manipulate me into believing I was the abuser and it worked. I believed it. I felt suicidal guilt and shame. Then I realized when I was a teenager at some point that I was getting abused at home and at school. It took me till 15 to really understand my "best friend" at the time was abusing me and a few more years to admit she was sexually abusive.

Physical, financial, emotional, sexual, psychological abuse. I don't have a family, I don't have friends except online far away, I dont have a partner in life yet.

The smear campaign was done so well I can't speak to anyone from my city or anyone I grew up with anymore. Only a few childhood friends knew I was a good person since they met me.

Nobody gave me apologies. They only will through God I know that.

 

[kindalone]

I was never outright bullied but my parents' upbringing kinda messed me up badly. I was always dressed in weird clothing and smelled weird because they taught me that bathing once a week was enough. It caused me to be the outcast. People never openly talked to me. I was developing odd behaviors to cope with stressors of life like letting my nails grow too long and then biting them off. I also picked at my finger's skin sometimes until bleeding. The pain was soothing to me. The bigger kids racially targeted me often. I was soon afraid to go to school and every day I felt anxiety. Once I was walking with this girl and I talked about redoing everything because I felt like I did everything wrong in life. I was 8 at the time. She soon avoided me like the plague. There were a lot of girls actually, who liked to hang out and talk but urged me to keep it a secret. I felt like vermin. I also remember when the topic of school shootings was brought up in school. A rare occurrence in my country. Everybody kinda looked at me and suspected that I would be most likely to do it. Just a few things off the top of my head.

 

[JustSomeoneOnline]

i dunno, my mind tells me it isn't even abuse whatever happened to me haha. i was severely neglected, physically and emotionally abused by my mother and my father and his parents weren't even physically there. they just sent a lot of threats through the phone. i did go visit them from time to time but they just emotionally and physically abused me at every chance. my father and grandfather also liked to grope me a lot, touch any exposed skin and just in general stick so close to me it was uncomfortable. due to this my brother grew up and had emotional regulation issues so he once pinned me down and stripped me of all my clothes just because he was upset at me for something. due to this im just really scared of men in general even though i am one lol
going to school wasnt much better, i was never really "bullied" i just had a lot of toxic friends who liked to use me and guilt trip me into only hanging out eith them. but i liked to be alone most of the time so i was more of an outcast. a lot of teachers didnt really like me either cause i was so quiet and some outright ignored me when i pleaded them to help me. plus with my fear of guys especially since i was a guy myself it made talking or being friends with anyone really difficult. i guess the girls thought i was a creep? lmao

 

[brainwormz]

A place I can talk about stuff I don't tell anyone is nice.

I put up with a lot to be with my ex. Idk if it qualifies as abuse but her gf refused to respect my boundaries when we all lived together. She would make unwanted sexual advamces. I have a really hard time actually setting boundaries and saying no to things so I just let it happen. Thanks mom and dad for breaking me with decades of abuse and neglect. But it was worth putting up with it cause I would do anything to have V in my life. Aside from constantly making unwanted sexual contact her gf would steal my shit and engage in bdsm with me even when I made it clear I didn't want to. But what really made me start withdrawing was when she started making threats of violence against me for joking about crossing the picket line at my job cause I needed money and threatening to destroy my vr headset because it was a meta quest because she didn't want Facebook spying on us even though v stole one of my Google homes which is just as much spyware as Facebook. It's got to the point I had a security camera in my room.

Do I sound like a whiney bitch? Idk. But there I finally said it somewhere to someone. My current roommates are great and despite feeling like killing myself everyday over losing v I'm much better off without her gf in my life.

 

[wiinterfrost]

i barely have any memories of childhood. trauma has clouded my brain over so badly that i have intense memory problems and my brain automatically buries so many things in an attempt to keep me alive. like when i would talk to someone and i had to describe myself, i would never know how because my brain automatically buries who i am to keep me safe.

i think being myself meant being abused.

my mother would complain about how she hated her life and how she would kill herself and would accuse me of manipulating her when i was but a child. i am pretty sure my father hit me but i don't remember. they would both scream at each other a lot. i know i lived through csa but i don't remember by whom and how often. as an adult i was also s*xually ab*sed. was r*ped by someone i trusted and with whom i was working on an intimate artistic project (along with others) and when i told people what he did they didn't rly do much about it. had to leave the project after that.

any therapist i have ever had has traumatised me more, as well as the whole "medical / psychological" system. i could write books about this. i've looked for years but every place has some degree of racism or transphobia or ableism if not all of those things.

idk. this thread seems like a void where no one really writes so it feels kind of pointless. i want to say to a few previous commenters that i read and hear your story and i am sorry.

 

[cryvinglightning]

i was bullied for most of my formative years both by my classmates and by my brothers and that's the reason why i began self harming. after you get told you're worthless, ugly and weird enough times, you start to believe it.
when i wasn't getting actively bullied i was ostracized and isolated from my other peers. i was always the other and the outsider no matter where i went. eventually i stopped trying to form meaningful connections with the people that surrounded me and just stayed online to form my friendships.
to this day i have four irls that i consider real friends, which compared to the dozens of people i know online makes me even more sad by comparison. i wonder if people would really notice if i just stopped speaking and showing up for things.

 

[Bernie__]

ready to die ngl, nobody helps, asked doctors, hospitals, still just want to kill myself on a daily basis wake up from a dream of suicide just to wake up and realize it wasn't real, then I go outside my room to be degraded by my mother, just to go back to my room and stay there, slit my wrists twice today already, thinking about taking all these pills, can't keep living like this, every time I leave my room I'm just completely abused and blamed for all my past, we ran away to our mother from our father as he was abusive physically, emotionally and sexually. So I've tried to fix these problems but it's just become more evident there is no where I will ever fit in or not have a day of complete hell, just wanted to kill myself and I can't even do that right. slight my wrists so many times the blades aren't sharp enough to even kill me, contemplating running infront of traffic or jumping of a high building, was also thinking about taking all these pills.

 

[dysthymia]

I'm so fucking tired of my abusive family. My sister tells me that I'm useless, worthless and retarded every single goddamn day. My father tells me that I have no future and he's 100% right because I'll ctb soon. He always tell me to kms. My mother is a NPC who just repeats what my father and sibling say. My only revenge is letting them discover my corpse with a note saying "Fuck you for bringing me into this shithole of a world and then abusing me into mental illness! FUCK YOU ALL!"

 

[autistocracy]

What hurts me more than the abuse itself is now normalized and encouraged it is. The fact that you can be screaming out for help and no one cares. That always hurt more than whatever abuse I endured (which is arguably not as bad as others I'll admit).

It really changed how I view the world and people around me. I have so much bitterness towards people, especially the "wise" elders who are supposed to examples—leading the people in a positive direction.

Parents, especially those of the American variety, are just soulless people. They weren't always like this, but for the past few decades, our understanding of the family and what it is supposed to provide has been absolutely lost. All it does is create a never-ending cycle of more abuse, furthering worsening society and thus, the individuals that live in it. Truth be told, most parents are far too infantile to adequately raise kids. They're mentally still kids themselves. My family certainly is. Talking to them is like talking to a child. They can't restrain themselves, can't take accountability, are indecisive, and so on.

Abuse, in my view, stems from a lack of problem-solving skills. Because they can't reason and model behavior like adults, they have to resort to primitive forms of communication and behavior. Lying, gaslighting, temper tantrums, etc. It's just so bleak.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I've been bullied at almost every workplace I've been at - autism makes you a target. I can't survive professionally.

I've had abuse from multiple relationships. My most recent ex who likely had BPD said the most horrible things to me and we are now no contact. He continually twisted my words in our last contact, denied he was ever angry at me ('I was just caffeinated') and called me 'a black hole of hurt and need'. I never want to date again - why put myself through the chance that the person you love and were planning to live the rest of your life with abuses you?

I feel so broken both by the ASD and by the repeated traumas, of abuse. This is why I want to end it. I can't figure out how to live with the thoughts in my head. I can't make the memories of cruelty go away. I can't function any more.

 

[hopeurhappylb]

I was bullied at a very young age by someone I would go on to consider a friend. Apparently, it's something I've blocked from my memory completely. I don't remember this bullying at all, but I've been told that it was very bad. I then befriended my bully, and she went on to become a toxic friend who immediately dropped me the moment I started hanging out with other people sometimes.
Another friend bullied me at some point, we were best friends until he became friends with someone else and decided to start mocking me relentlessly for no real reason. His new friend never participated, my bully just did it to make me feel bad.
My most recent and traumatic experience with bullying is ongoing, it involves cyberstalking, harassment, basically I fear doing anything at risk of more harm coming to me. I feel constantly watched, and rumours and lies are being spread about me and turning my friends against me. People won't even tell me what I did wrong to deserve this, and if they do then it's just a bunch of lies and half truths. No one will accept any attempt I make to better myself, they won't accept apologies, nothing at all. They just want to torment me for anything I do that they dislike because they don't want to just leave me alone and stop watching my every move.

 

[KariNya]

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among ea

I was bullied daily in middle school, i always was a bit socially awnkward and couldn't regulate my emotions well, but after that my mental health has been up and down (veru down sometimes). I don't even remember that much, or maybe i don't want to remember. I know it was psychological and then physical. Anyways, i'm an unable to function as a normal human beign now. Also, my husband SA'ed me once, like 9 years ago, when we were teenagers. I forgave him, never told anyone and we are still together, but i feel like a load to him. At the same time, i don't really know if that affected me? Like really shitty things happened to me (there is more, but i don't wanna talk about it right now) and i feel like shit, but i don't know, maybe i was born a shitty person.

 

[Redacted24]

My domestic partner's abuse playbook:

2017 - 2022: criticizing me in private and in public about random things (my clothes, my hair, how I don't do a good job cleaning the house, forgetful. Etc). Since 2022 she wouldn't be seen in public with me

2018 - present: consistently arguing that my perspective is wrong, and that my suggestions on marriage or parenting are not valid

2019 - present: withholding affection... not even a hug from her since June 2019 when I started tracking

2020 - present: when I tried to discuss the above with her she insisted that I was to blame because it's because of me and my actions that make her embarrassed and why nobody likes me... and a bunch more one way discussion of my crimes

2021 - present: continued name-calling and polite verbal abuse... no yelling, just cutting comments or refusing to participate in the relationship

2022 - present: after a couple of years of therapy I try to convince her to get couples therapy. She refused saying she didn't need help. She insists I did/ said things I didn't and denies what she said.

2023- present: she isolates middle child from me and the two of them are inseparable (partly because she let's him do whatever he wants and gives him whatever he wants)

2024: she started isolating our youngest child from me... same way as middle one. The whole year she has been giving me the silent treatment, pretending not to hear or see me in the house and leaving the room if I enter...and both middle and youngest mimic her actions to different degrees.

Looking forward to what new fun awaits in 2025. I'm sure my warden will find an innovative way to make my current solitary confinement even better.

Oh, and it's worth noting that the above has had spillover effects at my work, where I've become irrelevant, unwanted and unneeded in my work unit over the past 3-4 years too. Yay me!

 

[CB8276]

Thanks for this thread. I was strongly neglected by my parents during my entire chilhood and I've been severely bullied in school on top of that for several years. I've never had friends or any kind of support. I've felt so incredibly alone and hopeless during that time, it's why I wanted to end my life back when I was 14 years old. It was the only way out of this misery and to this day, I wish I had suceeded in my plan to commit suicide. Sadly, I didn't and the events that happened in my childhood have caused severe trauma, which I still relieve in my nightmares every single night, which is one of the reasons why I'm suffering so much. I'm dealing with the consequences of my past to this day and even when I sleep, I don't get a break from any of this. So I'm basically emotionally exhausted 24/7. When I wake up, I'm exhausted because of my nightmares which make me relieve the worst moments of my life and when I go to sleep, I'm exhausted because of my existential dread and all the suffering I'm exposed to every single day. There is no way out. As a result of all these experiences I've developed major depressive disorder and dysthymia, also known as persistent depression disorder (yeah that's double depression for me, isn't that nice), social anxiety, BPD and much more. I think to this day I didn't get all of my conditions diagnosed properly, which is probably one of the reasons why there is no proper treatment. And the combination of all these disorders make it basically impossible to treat them appropiately anyway. It's not just as simple as "oh you're depressed, take this pill and you're good", it's way more complicated than that because all of my conditions interact with each other and each one of them add additional layers of mental and emotional pain on my life. I'm confident my long list of mental health conditions are a result of my childhood trauma and they turn every single day into a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It's unbearable. There isn't any treatment that works for me and it's why I think a final and permanent way out of my suffering is a valid option in my case and I think it's a representative example of mental health conditions that justify someones desire to end their life. What's the alternative? More suffering for the next few decades? No thanks. I'm 27 years and I already feel twice as old due to my suffering. When you have chronic issues, you get sick and tired of life. The longer I live, the more I see myself turning into this bitter, empty asshole that's just cynical about everything. My entire life has been a series of traumatic experiences and I think I have every right to say "this is where it ends".

So yeah, that's one part of my story. I think this turned into incoherent rambling but I hope my experience adds something to this thread.

I AM WRITING IN A PRIVATE GROUP

My life and background strongly resembles that of yours. I do not see any meaningful change in life coming my way simply because I do not know how to live a productive and meaningful life. An unwanted child already has two strikes against them and that is where my existence began. The withholding mother and untreated childhood trauma robbed me of the opportunity to be a normal human being with stable relationship, friendships and career. There is literally no one that would miss me when I am gone. The city would probably take charge of my remains. Therefore, I have decided to set myself free of the heavy burden always on my shoulders. Still figuring out the logistics though. i do not want a botched attempt.

I must say, ever since i made up mind, a strange calmness has descended upon me. No longer I seek closure from the person that abandoned me recently when I needed someone the most. May he find whatever he is looking for in life..

Thanks for this thread. I was strongly neglected by my parents during my entire chilhood and I've been severely bullied in school on top of that for several years. I've never had friends or any kind of support. I've felt so incredibly alone and hopeless during that time, it's why I wanted to end my life back when I was 14 years old. It was the only way out of this misery and to this day, I wish I had suceeded in my plan to commit suicide. Sadly, I didn't and the events that happened in my childhood have caused severe trauma, which I still relieve in my nightmares every single night, which is one of the reasons why I'm suffering so much. I'm dealing with the consequences of my past to this day and even when I sleep, I don't get a break from any of this. So I'm basically emotionally exhausted 24/7. When I wake up, I'm exhausted because of my nightmares which make me relieve the worst moments of my life and when I go to sleep, I'm exhausted because of my existential dread and all the suffering I'm exposed to every single day. There is no way out. As a result of all these experiences I've developed major depressive disorder and dysthymia, also known as persistent depression disorder (yeah that's double depression for me, isn't that nice), social anxiety, BPD and much more. I think to this day I didn't get all of my conditions diagnosed properly, which is probably one of the reasons why there is no proper treatment. And the combination of all these disorders make it basically impossible to treat them appropiately anyway. It's not just as simple as "oh you're depressed, take this pill and you're good", it's way more complicated than that because all of my conditions interact with each other and each one of them add additional layers of mental and emotional pain on my life. I'm confident my long list of mental health conditions are a result of my childhood trauma and they turn every single day into a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It's unbearable. There isn't any treatment that works for me and it's why I think a final and permanent way out of my suffering is a valid option in my case and I think it's a representative example of mental health conditions that justify someones desire to end their life. What's the alternative? More suffering for the next few decades? No thanks. I'm 27 years and I already feel twice as old due to my suffering. When you have chronic issues, you get sick and tired of life. The longer I live, the more I see myself turning into this bitter, empty asshole that's just cynical about everything. My entire life has been a series of traumatic experiences and I think I have every right to say "this is where it ends".

So yeah, that's one part of my story. I think this turned into incoherent rambling but I hope my experience adds something to this thread.

I AM WRITING IN A PRIVATE GROUP

My life and background strongly resembles that of yours. I do not see any meaningful change in life coming my way simply because I do not know how to live a productive and meaningful life. An unwanted child already has two strikes against them and that is where my existence began. The withholding mother and untreated childhood trauma robbed me of the opportunity to be a normal human being with stable relationship, friendships and career. There is literally no one that would miss me when I am gone. The city would probably take charge of my remains. Therefore, I have decided to set myself free of the heavy burden always on my shoulders. Still figuring out the logistics though. i do not want a botched attempt.

I must say, ever since i made up mind, a strange calmness has descended upon me. No longer I seek closure from the person that abandoned me recently when I needed someone the most. May he find whatever he is looking for in life..

Thanks for this thread. I was strongly neglected by my parents during my entire chilhood and I've been severely bullied in school on top of that for several years. I've never had friends or any kind of support. I've felt so incredibly alone and hopeless during that time, it's why I wanted to end my life back when I was 14 years old. It was the only way out of this misery and to this day, I wish I had suceeded in my plan to commit suicide. Sadly, I didn't and the events that happened in my childhood have caused severe trauma, which I still relieve in my nightmares every single night, which is one of the reasons why I'm suffering so much. I'm dealing with the consequences of my past to this day and even when I sleep, I don't get a break from any of this. So I'm basically emotionally exhausted 24/7. When I wake up, I'm exhausted because of my nightmares which make me relieve the worst moments of my life and when I go to sleep, I'm exhausted because of my existential dread and all the suffering I'm exposed to every single day. There is no way out. As a result of all these experiences I've developed major depressive disorder and dysthymia, also known as persistent depression disorder (yeah that's double depression for me, isn't that nice), social anxiety, BPD and much more. I think to this day I didn't get all of my conditions diagnosed properly, which is probably one of the reasons why there is no proper treatment. And the combination of all these disorders make it basically impossible to treat them appropiately anyway. It's not just as simple as "oh you're depressed, take this pill and you're good", it's way more complicated than that because all of my conditions interact with each other and each one of them add additional layers of mental and emotional pain on my life. I'm confident my long list of mental health conditions are a result of my childhood trauma and they turn every single day into a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It's unbearable. There isn't any treatment that works for me and it's why I think a final and permanent way out of my suffering is a valid option in my case and I think it's a representative example of mental health conditions that justify someones desire to end their life. What's the alternative? More suffering for the next few decades? No thanks. I'm 27 years and I already feel twice as old due to my suffering. When you have chronic issues, you get sick and tired of life. The longer I live, the more I see myself turning into this bitter, empty asshole that's just cynical about everything. My entire life has been a series of traumatic experiences and I think I have every right to say "this is where it ends".

So yeah, that's one part of my story. I think this turned into incoherent rambling but I hope my experience adds something to this thread.

I AM WRITING IN A PRIVATE GROUP

My life and background strongly resembles that of yours. I do not see any meaningful change in life coming my way simply because I do not know how to live a productive and meaningful life. An unwanted child already has two strikes against them and that is where my existence began. The withholding mother and untreated childhood trauma robbed me of the opportunity to be a normal human being with stable relationship, friendships and career. There is literally no one that would miss me when I am gone. The city would probably take charge of my remains. Therefore, I have decided to set myself free of the heavy burden always on my shoulders. Still figuring out the logistics though. i do not want a botched attempt.

I must say, ever since i made up mind, a strange calmness has descended upon me. No longer I seek closure from the person that abandoned me recently when I needed someone the most. May he find whatever he is looking for in life..

Thanks for this thread. I was strongly neglected by my parents during my entire chilhood and I've been severely bullied in school on top of that for several years. I've never had friends or any kind of support. I've felt so incredibly alone and hopeless during that time, it's why I wanted to end my life back when I was 14 years old. It was the only way out of this misery and to this day, I wish I had suceeded in my plan to commit suicide. Sadly, I didn't and the events that happened in my childhood have caused severe trauma, which I still relieve in my nightmares every single night, which is one of the reasons why I'm suffering so much. I'm dealing with the consequences of my past to this day and even when I sleep, I don't get a break from any of this. So I'm basically emotionally exhausted 24/7. When I wake up, I'm exhausted because of my nightmares which make me relieve the worst moments of my life and when I go to sleep, I'm exhausted because of my existential dread and all the suffering I'm exposed to every single day. There is no way out. As a result of all these experiences I've developed major depressive disorder and dysthymia, also known as persistent depression disorder (yeah that's double depression for me, isn't that nice), social anxiety, BPD and much more. I think to this day I didn't get all of my conditions diagnosed properly, which is probably one of the reasons why there is no proper treatment. And the combination of all these disorders make it basically impossible to treat them appropiately anyway. It's not just as simple as "oh you're depressed, take this pill and you're good", it's way more complicated than that because all of my conditions interact with each other and each one of them add additional layers of mental and emotional pain on my life. I'm confident my long list of mental health conditions are a result of my childhood trauma and they turn every single day into a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It's unbearable. There isn't any treatment that works for me and it's why I think a final and permanent way out of my suffering is a valid option in my case and I think it's a representative example of mental health conditions that justify someones desire to end their life. What's the alternative? More suffering for the next few decades? No thanks. I'm 27 years and I already feel twice as old due to my suffering. When you have chronic issues, you get sick and tired of life. The longer I live, the more I see myself turning into this bitter, empty asshole that's just cynical about everything. My entire life has been a series of traumatic experiences and I think I have every right to say "this is where it ends".

So yeah, that's one part of my story. I think this turned into incoherent rambling but I hope my experience adds something to this thread.

I AM WRITING IN A PRIVATE GROUP

My life and background strongly resembles that of yours. I do not see any meaningful change in life coming my way simply because I do not know how to live a productive and meaningful life. An unwanted child already has two strikes against them and that is where my existence began. The withholding mother and untreated childhood trauma robbed me of the opportunity to be a normal human being with stable relationship, friendships and career. There is literally no one that would miss me when I am gone. The city would probably take charge of my remains. Therefore, I have decided to set myself free of the heavy burden always on my shoulders. Still figuring out the logistics though. i do not want a botched attempt.

I must say, ever since i made up mind, a strange calmness has descended upon me. No longer I seek closure from the person that abandoned me recently when I needed someone the most. May he find whatever he is looking for in life..

Thanks for this thread. I was strongly neglected by my parents during my entire chilhood and I've been severely bullied in school on top of that for several years. I've never had friends or any kind of support. I've felt so incredibly alone and hopeless during that time, it's why I wanted to end my life back when I was 14 years old. It was the only way out of this misery and to this day, I wish I had suceeded in my plan to commit suicide. Sadly, I didn't and the events that happened in my childhood have caused severe trauma, which I still relieve in my nightmares every single night, which is one of the reasons why I'm suffering so much. I'm dealing with the consequences of my past to this day and even when I sleep, I don't get a break from any of this. So I'm basically emotionally exhausted 24/7. When I wake up, I'm exhausted because of my nightmares which make me relieve the worst moments of my life and when I go to sleep, I'm exhausted because of my existential dread and all the suffering I'm exposed to every single day. There is no way out. As a result of all these experiences I've developed major depressive disorder and dysthymia, also known as persistent depression disorder (yeah that's double depression for me, isn't that nice), social anxiety, BPD and much more. I think to this day I didn't get all of my conditions diagnosed properly, which is probably one of the reasons why there is no proper treatment. And the combination of all these disorders make it basically impossible to treat them appropiately anyway. It's not just as simple as "oh you're depressed, take this pill and you're good", it's way more complicated than that because all of my conditions interact with each other and each one of them add additional layers of mental and emotional pain on my life. I'm confident my long list of mental health conditions are a result of my childhood trauma and they turn every single day into a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It's unbearable. There isn't any treatment that works for me and it's why I think a final and permanent way out of my suffering is a valid option in my case and I think it's a representative example of mental health conditions that justify someones desire to end their life. What's the alternative? More suffering for the next few decades? No thanks. I'm 27 years and I already feel twice as old due to my suffering. When you have chronic issues, you get sick and tired of life. The longer I live, the more I see myself turning into this bitter, empty asshole that's just cynical about everything. My entire life has been a series of traumatic experiences and I think I have every right to say "this is where it ends".

So yeah, that's one part of my story. I think this turned into incoherent rambling but I hope my experience adds something to this thread.

I AM WRITING IN A PRIVATE GROUP

My life and background strongly resembles that of yours. I do not see any meaningful change in life coming my way simply because I do not know how to live a productive and meaningful life. An unwanted child already has two strikes against them and that is where my existence began. The withholding mother and untreated childhood trauma robbed me of the opportunity to be a normal human being with stable relationship, friendships and career. There is literally no one that would miss me when I am gone. The city would probably take charge of my remains. Therefore, I have decided to set myself free of the heavy burden always on my shoulders. Still figuring out the logistics though. i do not want a botched attempt.

I must say, ever since i made up mind, a strange calmness has descended upon me. No longer I seek closure from the person that abandoned me recently when I needed someone the most. May he find whatever he is looking for in life..

Thanks for this thread. I was strongly neglected by my parents during my entire chilhood and I've been severely bullied in school on top of that for several years. I've never had friends or any kind of support. I've felt so incredibly alone and hopeless during that time, it's why I wanted to end my life back when I was 14 years old. It was the only way out of this misery and to this day, I wish I had suceeded in my plan to commit suicide. Sadly, I didn't and the events that happened in my childhood have caused severe trauma, which I still relieve in my nightmares every single night, which is one of the reasons why I'm suffering so much. I'm dealing with the consequences of my past to this day and even when I sleep, I don't get a break from any of this. So I'm basically emotionally exhausted 24/7. When I wake up, I'm exhausted because of my nightmares which make me relieve the worst moments of my life and when I go to sleep, I'm exhausted because of my existential dread and all the suffering I'm exposed to every single day. There is no way out. As a result of all these experiences I've developed major depressive disorder and dysthymia, also known as persistent depression disorder (yeah that's double depression for me, isn't that nice), social anxiety, BPD and much more. I think to this day I didn't get all of my conditions diagnosed properly, which is probably one of the reasons why there is no proper treatment. And the combination of all these disorders make it basically impossible to treat them appropiately anyway. It's not just as simple as "oh you're depressed, take this pill and you're good", it's way more complicated than that because all of my conditions interact with each other and each one of them add additional layers of mental and emotional pain on my life. I'm confident my long list of mental health conditions are a result of my childhood trauma and they turn every single day into a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. It's unbearable. There isn't any treatment that works for me and it's why I think a final and permanent way out of my suffering is a valid option in my case and I think it's a representative example of mental health conditions that justify someones desire to end their life. What's the alternative? More suffering for the next few decades? No thanks. I'm 27 years and I already feel twice as old due to my suffering. When you have chronic issues, you get sick and tired of life. The longer I live, the more I see myself turning into this bitter, empty asshole that's just cynical about everything. My entire life has been a series of traumatic experiences and I think I have every right to say "this is where it ends".

So yeah, that's one part of my story. I think this turned into incoherent rambling but I hope my experience adds something to this thread.

My life and background strongly resemble that of yours. I do not see any meaningful change in life coming my way simply because I do not know how to live a productive and meaningful life. An unwanted child already has two strikes against them and that is where my existence began. The withholding mother and untreated childhood trauma robbed me of the opportunity to be a normal human being with stable relationships, friendships and career. There is literally no one that would miss me when I am gone. The city would probably take charge of my remains. Therefore, I have decided to set myself free of the heavy burden always on my shoulders. Still figuring out the logistics though. I do not want a botched attempt.

I must say, ever since I made up my mind, a strange calmness has descended upon me. No longer do I seek closure from the person that abandoned me recently when I needed someone the most. May he find whatever he is looking for in life.

 

[daysfeel]

I was excluded, terrorized, bullied almost my entire life growing up. I've had rumors go around about that were really obscene and unfathomable. I remember one bully vividly, it's too specific for me to go into detail here, but he would scream at me for being retarded and stupid when the teacher was away, then one day I checked my back and I had a big bruise there from him. I was called every horrible thing in the book. Fugly, retarded, weird, pedophile, fatso, dyke, stupid, creepy, smelly. I was super ugly and didn't take care of myself at all, which made me a target. I attempted suicide in the bathroom because I didn't have anyone to phone and was completely panicked, but because people just thought that I'd fallen asleep they made fun of me for that too. I've been ditched, had people throw things into my hair, steal my notebooks and write in them, objects thrown at me a few times, etc. Public humiliation, pointing and laughing when extremely embarrassing things were happening to me. My pride and dignity as a human being was always getting taken away from me. And I didn't have anyone to help me. No one defended me.

My entire life felt like a black cloud swooping down to steal me away from the people I want to have a connection with, just to suffocate me. I didn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed. I just numbed myself.
My homelife wasn't abusive necessarily, but too intense for me to feel safe. I was always worried something bad would happen. It also put some disturbing energy into me, along with getting psychologically disturbed at school I turned into a disaster.

And then after I graduated I ended up in an abusive relationship that gave me a mental breakdown. I was able to find some texts and some recorded calls (I wanted to have some documentation of what was going on in case I wanted to go to trial for the abuse) a few years after it all transpired, at one point it got so bad and I was so bottled up that during an argument I had started almost speaking in tongues but in a really dark way, like I was feeling the presence of Satan instead of God. I started throwing things really fast at the wall and wasn't speaking in English anymore. It's like he put an entity into my soul and it was consuming me.

I feel like I was never given a chance to have a healthy foundation, I wanted a happy upbringing with healthy friendships, a positive impact, and a good reputation. I was so traumatized I couldn't read anything for more than 10 seconds, I kept having horrible panic attacks, and I dropped out of college.

Right now I'm a lot better. But the biggest thing I struggle with now is depression, flashbacks, and disillusionment. To the point where I'm questioning how to feel about everything in my life. I can't relate to anything in a normal life. I imagine everyone is capable of doing anything bad to me. I can't enjoy anything because I don't know how to relate to it. Most things in life terrify me unless it's extremely bland and generic. I feel like I can't trust my own perception because I've had to gaslight myself for years out of my own reality it was so painful. I wonder if I'm sound of mind or completely delusional, if my thinking is aligned with reality or if I'm constantly missing blind spots. I've never felt like my feelings actually matter, so I treat myself really poorly and neglect myself without realizing it. Along with the constant attacks on my sense of self that I still remember, I can't live like this.