Abuse, Bullying and Trauma Megathread

[LastFlowers]

Thank you the meds I took was Abilify (5mg) but I was sleepy all day, would go to bed at 7pm, lost appetite and had actual crisis which truly terrified me, I thought I was really loosing my mind

That shit fucked me up as well.

 

[completely-done]

A lot of mental and emotional abuse and bullying. From all sorts of people, people who were obviously against me to people who said they have my best interests in mind. People who I looked up to and people who knew my traumas intimately. Often I feel like a wimp because other people has had it harder than I do, and I'm not perfect so I'm sure I further added to the negativity of those dynamics. It just screwed me up so bad that my brain is no longer mine, it's hostage to my past actions, mistakes and regrets. I'll never forgive myself and I'll never have my mind back. It's over for me

 

[ikadasui]

It completely fucked me up during my developmental years, but now I just silently agree because it's usually true!

 

[enau]

a LoT.But recently, what finish to turned me into pieces , is when i was askink for .. some 'help', human attention, or just for someone to be kind.Of course , as i am autistic, on the places and social media where i expressed my pain, most of them just ghosted me.But two of them told me particulary harsh words, and it still resionnate /got mixed with my painfull memories actualy.One of them wanted to be listened and helped, and i tried, but he used me like a tool, and was saying it was inbearable to think or speaking about me or my situations or problèms, not because they are so tragic, just because he just wanted to use me and not be nice or not even a decent considerate human personn toward me x) .. not really the most painfull fact i, my life, its a timing question , but every sentence he said "na please, in cant' ( i didnt ask for x)) ) it made me feel , i dont have the right to suffer and exist and express / be listened as a personn.The second one just came to tell me i will never succed to cbt and i should accept a life of misery, his words were really hard, and i was in shock, after that i tried to discuss more with him, because i was in derealisation .. and he didnt accept it, he said ' never speak to me again'.All of that, are not very .. violent things ?
but theses words and comportements of theses people came when i was desesperate for the slightest kindness, connexion, hope , i was with my last breathes, empty of energy, i really felt that, like they told me i didn t deserve to be treated kindly.I was in crisis, and i was feeling that, like if the world was speaking to me throught messenger to tell me, that i dont belong, and have the right to be there. and the were trying to explicate why people werent nice with me, as if there could be an excuse..( youre autistic so its ok if people ghost you, or be asshole with you.) + my stalker tried at the same time to cumpabilise me, and invade my life.. again
( of course the worse was abuse with my family)

 

[fox_wannabe]

I feel I might have been neglected as child. My mom didn't took care of me in my very early childhood. Same with my father. They were always working.

I have been bullied in elementary school for an extended periods of time with friends who did not support me as much. It lasted about 6 years making me develop cPTSD and crippling me socially and mentally. In some of those days I was experiencing pure terror and fear for my life. I was gang stalked at one point.

Than I was scared for my life in junior high school because of how dangerous my school really was and how much I had to watch for where I go or where I look. People were brutal and very cruel to each other. Fact that I have asperger made it worse.

It all fucked me up and made me not normal. My parents tried to gaslight me telling me It was not that bad.

 

[bad luck]

- Divorce of his parents.
-Large property loss.
-Eviction
-Psychological abuse
-Bullying
-energy poverty
-Abandonment.
-Divorce after 15 years together.
- Job insecurity.

Adds depression and strong anxiety.

 

[sorry-i-need-help]

I wish people who hated children never gave birth to them. My Mum used to physically abuse us with anything she could find, cables, high heeled shoes, belts, her hand, etc. She even tried to strangle me one time in a hotel room for refusing to put her plate on the table for her. I was 14. Used to slap my dad and fight him. He eventually left after being an enabler and left his children exposed. Didn't even go to court, try to fight to get us, nothing. I forgive him now, he went through neglect as a kid so didn't know how to have a proper functioning family or what that looked like. Anyways she stopped the abuse at 17, last physical altercation I remember was me singing in my bedroom, her coming in saying I had a beautiful voice and that I should sign up for some talent contest going on at school, me chuckling and saying "No way I'd win it, there's a girl in my class who's a better singer", after that all I remember is my Mum randomly slapping me and calling me a bitch. Random as shit.

After that, the last really bad emotional damage she inflicted was accusing me of sleeping with my Dad because he threatened a divorce (so naturally if your partner wants to leave you, it's not your fault. Look to the nearest female, even if she's a 16 year old child and blame her). He never went through with it. And then later accusing me of spying on her so my Dad could use witchcraft on her with the information I gave him about this. That was the last really bad emotional trauma. After that it's been a series of snarky comments about me being in the house without a job. You read this shit and probably think how the fuck does a 16 year old respond to this, right? I do too. I never processed the bullshit that came out of her unhinged mouth. And if she was just some weirdo kooky crazy paranoid schizo type, maybe I would've processed it better, but SHE'S NOT. She acts NORMAL. She has friends, she functions in society, she gives her friends great advice, she's the worship leader at the church she goes to. Other than being a raging narcissist, she is normal.

The worst part isn't even the abuse itself, it's not trusting her and her not giving a shit, feigning concern, then pretending she doesn't know why I don't trust her. the worst part is my own self and my fucking head telling me I'm making a mountain out of a molehill for being sad about it now when she's not doing anything anymore.
sorry for trauma dumping too it's not cool and doesn't feel any less weird me writing my entire life story like that

 

[Rabhen]

The police and the 'system' are not here to help, they are nothing more than bullies at the ready to further victimize victims. Defund the entire system. Complex PTSD doesn't even scratch the surface. I hate this planet and I hat humans you all are a disgusting bunch of self serving bullies and assholes. Let me out of here.

 

[DontplayGod]

My parents put me in charge of my siblings to take care of pretty much full-time when I was 8 years old, I've pretty much raised my brother and sister by myself. I still raise both of them to this day (the older one not so much since she's about 14 years old now) I yearned everyday for my parents love desperately trying to get them to acknowledge my existence. I was and still am nothing to them, just a person to do all the dirty work for them. I'm just glad I don't have to worry about finances. I can barely function at this point and feel like such a failure letting both my siblings down since they never really had a parental figure. My mother is a really fucked up person, the only attention she ever gave me was really weird attention when I started going through puberty (amab) she would reach up my shirt and touch my stomach sometimes and was obsessed with my body always commenting on it in very negative and "positive" ways (not actually positive just her sounding turned on by my body). She got really mad when I stopped working out and it seems like she has some fucking weird crush on me and it creeps me the fuck out. Both my parents are extremely bigoted btw, racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc... comments and "jokes" all the time that really bothers me but I can't call them out because "it's just a joke" and "I just need to stop being a little snowflake" so yeah they're kinda pieces of shit to say the least.

 

[ameliacecelia]

I was molested by a pediatrician when I was 5. Last year, I tried to take legal action, but couldn't get the police to charge him. Staute of limitations in civil cases is 7 years so sol there. I thought about taking some kind of violence against him but that's not going to happen. I'm still battling with the hospital system to do something about him but he's contracted and not a direct employee. He's not the only one who has hurt me but I feel he somehow made it easier for others to abuse me.

 

[clown_17]

My experience of bullying/abuse in my elementary and junior high years had permanently fucked me up and made me unable to have healthy relationships now. A naive young me was stalked online, used, manipulated, and shamed by "friends." They convinced me to abandon all of my friends so I was stuck with them, and then they (two sisters) slowly convinced me that I was defective and needed them or else I'd be alone forever. They'd spam my phone at all hours of the night to solve their problems and if I had a concern and asked them to stop the narrative would be flipped to make me the guilty one. They made accounts online to monitor me whcih made me quite paranoid. They'd also talk shit about me in front of me like I'm trash.I was shamed for having any interests, opinions, or hobbies that were out of their control and monitoring. They also stole my lunch and threw it at me and made me think we were playing. It was all fun and games until I threw anything back, and then suddenly we had went too far. They used me for my grades and spread rumours about me when I tried to talk to anyone else and make other friends, essentially isolating me. Based on whether I was entertaining/useful enough I'd either be ignored and discarded or barely tolerated for the day. I started performing and trying to entertain them for acceptance but it was never enough. When I finally made my own friends and tried not even to leave, but just to spend some time to myslef, they posted attacks online and tried to convince me I was awful for not spending 100% of my time with them. For context I'm possibly autistic and didn't get social cues which is why I put up with this for so long, they made me convinced that friendship is supposed to hurt this bad.

Welp I now have bpd and I'm the shitty one! I'm way too paranoid and unstable and always end up hurting the people close to me. I hate it so much how one can go from being hurt to hurting others the very same way. I'm trying to change but it's so hard.

 

[brnggundottxt]

There are people actively trying to drive me to suicide. They are desperately trying to hasten an inevitable process lmao!
The thing is they are convinced that they actually have some moral high ground being drug dealers, money launderers, crooks, cronies and yes men. It shows that some people never leave high school they become shitty micromanagers, join organizations and plot to destroy people who have slighted them, just like they're a pack of 14 year olds at a lunch table. This time they have drug money and a lawless country where they can run amok. They make sure people can be hired or fired or black listed to bend other people to their will.

They spend their entire lives in this terminal state. Trying to live out the plot to their favorite tv shows (like 'suits' or 'scandal') not realizing these unrealistic and wooden characters wouldn't have to deal with actual consequence be it emotional, spiritual and physical. Some of them even parade as being very religious too. Advocates for social justice! While they're actively throwing people in the meat grinder, not knowing they're in another meat grinder of their own. Sociopaths hiding in plain sight primed and ready to be swallowed by a bigger fish, or entropy.. obscurity and death.

I'd wish they'd let me die in the same lonely and insignificant death they're all destined for as 72 year old demented high schoolers.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I feel like such a retard because I still get set off by dumb shit. Looks, words, phrases, certain behaviors. I'm in my mid-twenties and this shit still makes me feel like I'm dying when it happens. And then it either spirals inside or I get lucky and go numb. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

 

[WannaBdoneSufferng]

CPTSD is awful, that's…all I have to say for now. It wouldn't matter if anything else was said. But that sums it up.

I wish the USA believed in things like cptsd and coercive control.

I have been rejected by therapists because when I start listing traumas it doesnt stop when they expect it to. So they stop me. And try to refer me to "a more experienced colleague" or "to someone who specializes in trauma".

The person helping me now is the closest thing to real help I have ever had, and he doesn't understand yet because I hide most of it. I shouldn't have to do that. How is that help, when the person who is supposed to help you can't deal with what you already have before, let alone what you are going through now?

 

[AloneInCollege]

My experience of bullying/abuse in my elementary and junior high years had permanently fucked me up and made me unable to have healthy relationships now. A naive young me was stalked online, used, manipulated, and shamed by "friends." They convinced me to abandon all of my friends so I was stuck with them, and then they (two sisters) slowly convinced me that I was defective and needed them or else I'd be alone forever. They'd spam my phone at all hours of the night to solve their problems and if I had a concern and asked them to stop the narrative would be flipped to make me the guilty one. They made accounts online to monitor me whcih made me quite paranoid. They'd also talk shit about me in front of me like I'm trash.I was shamed for having any interests, opinions, or hobbies that were out of their control and monitoring. They also stole my lunch and threw it at me and made me think we were playing. It was all fun and games until I threw anything back, and then suddenly we had went too far. They used me for my grades and spread rumours about me when I tried to talk to anyone else and make other friends, essentially isolating me. Based on whether I was entertaining/useful enough I'd either be ignored and discarded or barely tolerated for the day. I started performing and trying to entertain them for acceptance but it was never enough. When I finally made my own friends and tried not even to leave, but just to spend some time to myslef, they posted attacks online and tried to convince me I was awful for not spending 100% of my time with them. For context I'm possibly autistic and didn't get social cues which is why I put up with this for so long, they made me convinced that friendship is supposed to hurt this bad.

Welp I now have bpd and I'm the shitty one! I'm way too paranoid and unstable and always end up hurting the people close to me. I hate it so much how one can go from being hurt to hurting others the very same way. I'm trying to change but it's so hard.

I had a very similar experience. It has made it hard for me to interact with people and is one of the reasons for my ctb

 

[settheory]

My life is absolute shit now but even this is much better than my childhood.

 

[GettingOut]

When I was young, i was physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abused. My parents could have stopped it, but my father decided to continue abusing alcohol and my mother turned a blind eye. They were way too young and inexperienced to breed.

Today, I blame myself whenever I perceive abandonment because I feel it is my fault. My parents are utterly oblivious to the daily emotional and psychological pain they put me through just because they didn't know how to raise a child.

I also developed a sporadic motor neuron disease that doesn't kill you, but strips you if your dignity and puts you in severe chronic pain each day. These are the main factors why I have the perfect rope and SN that I will use before I'm unable to care for myself or cannot take the emotional pain anymore.

 

[makethepainstop]

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

I will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.

This is a Megathread where members who are have suffered (or are still suffering from) any kind of abuse, bullying and/or trauma can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support. I have encountered many members who have been abused, bullied or traumatised and I feel a dedicated space would be useful.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

I will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I understand how utterly soul-destroying any kind of abuse and trauma can be, the domino effect this can have on our entire lives and the far-reaching consequences victims must endure in the aftermath. I wish no-one had to experience such suffering.

While I know there is nothing I can do to take away that pain, I hope that here we can find solidarity and support among each other.

I sometimes find comfort in planning my final ctb actions. Music also can express my thoughts quite well. "Tears of a clown" Smokey Robinson, don't let my glad expression give you the wrong impression. I hurt and so sad, there are tears when no one is around." Things can only get better" Howard Jones, If we throw it all away things can only get better. I have been bullied since I was five stepdad, redneck uncle's granddad, and school grades 1-12. So, screw them. If I reincarnate, I want to be large enough and muscley enough to be so formidable and ferocious looking. I don't want to BE a bully; I want to be big enough to slap the shit out of people who bully others! May we all find the love, peace and joy we all deserve.

 

[BougainvilleaBlooms]

I'm 21 years old and was recently diagnosed with autism. My family consisted of my mom, my half older sister, and me. Growing up my mother wasn't there and when she was it felt like she was a robot doing a checklist of motherly things. (Maybe it feels that way because she failed me when I needed her the most) My older half sister was verbally & physically abusive until she moved out. Middle school was hell, I was shunned most of the time and only interaction was out of pity or mockery for my ways of communicating or lack was. The kids would spread nasty rumors about me and treat me as something shameful or embarrassing to be around and sometimes the teachers would harp in by making me the butt of a joke in the classroom for things like blowing my nose or getting an answer wrong. One time I even got called a potential school shooter by my math teacher for playing finger guns with my group, which led to teachers I thought I could trust being unwilling to defend me despite never doing anything bad.

Home wasn't any different with the bullying coming from my half sister, I had to walk over eggshells around her and it didn't help that we shared a room. My mom would join in or take on a bit of her traits sometime and whenever I mentioned anything she did to hurt me she'd say that she doesn't remember. I honestly believe at this point my mom has some sort of dissociative amnesia because she's a survivor of CSA. But it doesn't undo or heal take away the pain of it all. I don't care why I was born. I have my life stolen from me by school and home, so I came to a strong conclusion of taking my life because I have no reason to live anymore. The struggle I went through was for nothing.

 

[MATZsemantics]

I hate how my parents screamed at me until I thought it was a totally normal reaction to an angry situation. I hate how they made me be scared of every argument to the point of treating arguments with people who love me like it's a war with my life on the line. I hate how confused it made me that my dad would turn from an amazing person into a complete demon who even hit me once or twice and restrained me against my will when I was a teenager, and told me it was because I was unhinged. I hate that my mother belittled me my entire life, I hate that she verbatim said that she feels like I'm barely a functioning human without her help. I hate how isolated I am in this and how no one seems to know how to respond when I desperately try to open up about this stuff because I spent most of my life calling it "dysfunction, not abuse".
I hate how no one believed that I was sexually abused. I hate how the woman who took advantage of me tried to turn everyone against me and it almost worked. I hate that she admitted it but still tried to lord over my life and tell me her negative opinions on every little thing about me. I hate how I didn't feel like I felt enough anger or sadness or trauma at this and just felt like it was normal or that I was lucky an adult woman even interacted with me. (She was like, 20, and I was 14...). I hate that no one who was my friend at the time was mature enough to intervene in my life and really tell me that it was totally fucked up what happened. I hate that I kept being taken advantage of by adults until I craved being taken advantage of and intentionally did dangerous things just to feel that rush again. For years. I hate that to even do this I had to fracture my entire self into multiple parts so I was able to separate everything I loved and cherished about myself from the awful immoral shit I turned a blind eye to and even affirmed in the process of seeking out further abuse. I hate the depths of depravity I sunk to as a teenager just to place that feeling in a more cohesive, manageable way...expressing my sexuality in the only way I knew how. I hate that I wasn't stronger and I hate that I didn't know wrong from right enough to just get out of that dissociative loop. I hate that people mocked and derided me for this, even people who supposedly cared about child abusers, in their infinite moralising, belittled me and told me it was my fault. And I hate that the people who did this to me never even stuck with me out of interest in me as a person. They had nothing but contempt for me as a person, or were bored by me at best (the woman who got the ball rolling told me repeatedly that she wasn't even attracted to me in the slightest, thought I was ugly, would belittle me for my looks, etc.) When I was used up, they left me and never spoke to me again. I don't hate any of those people. They're just people. I don't care about their lives at all, I hope they don't do it to anyone else and live better lives and help people instead of hurting more people....I hate how creepy I feel because after those 3-4 years of constant abuse, I was like a feral child sexually who didn't really know how to communicate my desires to anyone (I never said anything to peoples faces that crossed a line or I regret, moreso just felt creepy constantly because of my hypersexuality)
Finally, I hate how peoples endless harassment and deriding of me, their love of tearing me apart and totally debasing everything I grasped onto for hope, until I had mental breakdowns and just cried and felt nothing but despondent rage that there was nothing I could even do to make them just stop and be nicer, turned me into a worse person than I could have been if I had just stayed away from those people. I used to be a hopeful, sensitive, nice person. Years of sustaining this has turned me into a pretty blunted, validation starved husk. It's hellish, and I hate myself so much. I don't care if it's my fault or someone elses fault or a mix of both, all I can say is the road leads to the same place: someone who believes that my life was mostly wasted or robbed and is simply not worth living anymore. I hate all of it. I want to go back in time and make better choices, set better boundaries, learn the right lessons from the way people treated me instead of normalizing everything and acting like it was no big deal when that in itself is an incredible damage of abuse that many suffer.
Wow, long post. Still not senior year essay material. Guess I'll do better next time.

 

[Catastrofe]

I have been reading carefully every single post. I also have my issues, otherwise I would not be in this forum, but here I just want to say how sorry I am for what every one of you went through. Every single story sounds terrible and full of pain.
I am sorry the whole world was so horrible to you all.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Never will I be what I want or what they desire.

I am only this.

They don't want me, but they also won't let me die. Why I stay, I'm not sure.

 

[milk is sweet]

All people in my class are cold bullying me. They aren't abusive physically or verbally, but silent actions say a lot

 

[infinitedaydream]

Someone I used to know has ruined my life and kept me in a mental hole for the past 4 years. Told the whole city (it's a very small place everyone knows eachother) what a disgusting vile useless whore of a person I am, and everyone reminds me of it.

Anytime my name is brought up it's with disgust. I've been polite, friendly and unfortunately a pushover my whole life but this person has turned me into a lonely, depressed loser who is ashamed to show their face in public. Been mentally ill for years but this takes the cake. I don't know who I am anymore.

 

[endless_pain]

Social isolation being raised in an abusive household, subtly bullied at school feeling even more alone than ever, escaped for just two months from this painful reality just to confuse me even more how much it is worth living more or not. It's just torture

 

[painfulwords]

When my parents were married, things were really tough. I remember all the times I had to lock myself in my bedroom cause they've always screamed at each other. Also, my mom betrayed my dad multiple times and, when he found out, he started to assault her at least twice in a week. I was so traumatized one day that I called him a monster while I was crying. My mom's lover started to chase our family through letters with threats, horrible messages passed for my neighbors, etc. It was truly a nightmare.
I remember one day that I was playing a game that i really liked. My mom was at home, so was I. She heard something that came from the garage, like kicks in the gate and screams. Then, without thinking twice, I've hidden myself behind the sofa, so no one could see me. It was her lover at the gate. He started beating her up and talking a lot of shit. Even the cops came to try to solve it. It took a lot of time for it to be over, and gathering this with the fact that I was bullied cause of my weight for half my teenage years, I became really depressed, to a point that i just wanted to end it for once and all. SH became part of my life, and I still practice it a few times and have scars through my body. It was more intense than what I can really describe, especially the assault part, to the point where my mom called my dad in tears saying that her lover and my aunt, that were in a relationship after she "broke up" with him, tried to beat her up to death. I hate talking about this, even my therapist doesn't know about it with details, but it became a trauma that I don't think it could ever be easily solved. Because of this, I have problems with my romantic relationships, where I don't see the abusive ones as something bad. I am pretty used to it, to be honest.

 

[Infelix-Cat]

I have had mental health problems for the majority of my life. I was adopted from birth because my mother was only 16 years old and I was given to my current adopted family. I love my adopted dad very dearly but for my entire child hood and most of my teen years my adopted mother was "sick"
She had some legitimate illnesses but a lot of it was exaggerated or caused the use of heavy narcotics that she did not need. She was verbally abusive and made me and my dad's life a living hell. We were her caretakers and whatever she said went. If I did not bend over to her every whim she would yell at me degrade me. She is also extremely religious so many of my punishments consisted of writing bible verses over and over for hours or being told my behavior would lead to me going to hell. My dad is also extremely religious but he is a kind hearted person who I have nothing but respect for. A lot of my moms abuse was targeted at him and I have watched her slap him and throw things at him over simple disagreements. This was almost unbearable to watch as I was basically powerless to help the only person who cared about me be verbally and physically assaulted daily.

I basically went through my childhood being neglected not physically but emotionally and medically. My dad tried his best to give me love and affection but he only had so much attention to give and my mother took all of it. Everything was a competition with her. If I was sick she was sicker. If something good happened to me it didn't matter because she was suffering. All of my medical needs pretty much went ignored up until my first suicide attempt as I had tried to get help for suicide and self harm but I had been conditioned to hide everything. I self harmed for years and had attempted about 4-5 different times before I finally got close to succeeding.

I stupidly choose a method of suicide that was unreliable and I survived it but had to be hospitalized. The first thing my mom said to me when I woke up was that she thought I was trying to copy her tp get attention and that what I did was selfish and I should have thought about how it made her feel. She told everyone she knew about my attempt and milked it for all the sympathy she could get while I was locked in a mental ward for over a week. Mental wards are hell on earth and I ended up having to go three different times against my will.

The mental wards were like prisons with barbed wire around the tops of massive walls keeping us inside. The worst ward I was in was the last one I went to where the staff would yell at us patients and there were cockroaches on the floor and the food was expired. They didn't care about us at all I received no therapy they denied me medication I had been on previously and when I opened up to a doctor about my home life after one conversation with my mom he told me "well she doesn't seem that bad." I was mocked and made fun of by the staff and I was told by one nurse that my self harm scars were ugly and I was too pretty to be doing that to myself. I do not understand how anyone working in the medical field would ever think that something like that is acceptable to say. My self harm scars will be with me for the rest of my life even if I live to a normal life expectancy and thinking about that comment still hurts.

Time after time everyone around me has ignored me. Im expected to be everyone else's caregiver but when I have been in need I have been belittled and pushed to the side. I do not understand why people act the way they do. Im thankful for the people in my life that have tried to help me or have been kind to me regarding my mental health issues but the pain of the abuse and mistreatment does not go away. As a young adult now I feel like my ability to function has been stunted. I lock myself in my room and make no friends and even when my life is going ok I still feel the overwhelming urge to die.
I know this is an extremely long rant and no one will read this and I don't expect them to I'm mostly just rambling to get all of this out since I've never really told anyone my experiences like this. I don't even know if what I went through is truly that distressing or if the doctors are right and I really am just weak with a tendency to blow things out of proportion. Regardless if anyone actually reads this thank you.

 

[Hihihehehuhu]

I started kindergarten when i was 2 years old and everyone was picking on me and bullying me JUST BECAUSE I WAS TOO YOUNG and my family was neglecting me too, my dad was beating me for even the smallest thing
Once i wanted to watch my favorite show and didnt wanted to give him the remote so he beated me up so bad i ended up in hospital, i was just 4
Then i started school, the bullying there was so bad too, i was the fattest girl in classroom and they were always calling me names, i was autistic too and they were always running away from me as a game
These years, i started to self harm at age of 8

In middle school it got worse, i was ugly, fat, unfunny, depressed girl and i had no friends, they were asking me on a date as joke and you know how it feels if you ever experienced it...its just so humiliating
My mental disabilities also started to show off while i got older and i was getting worse and worse each day. I was getting bullied so bad i tried to ctb a lot of times and sent to psych ward

Before going to highschool my dad left us all alone and my mom became alchoholic so i had to take care of my 3 year old brother all by myself

In highschool i couldnt go to school because of pandemic, in 2nd year it was all going nice but i got raped and developed an eating disorder because of that (i dont want to go in detail but yeah they are connected) i was 56 kilos/123 lb when i got raped now im only 33 kgs/72 lb. My self harm got worse and i got super popular on self-harm part of twitter, but all my cuts were threatening my life, i almost lost my arm

3rd year of highschool was even worse and worse i was trying to kms everyday and i was so depressed i stopped going to school, my mom was against it but i threatened to kill myself so they let me go
Im at the 4th and last year of highschool, im currently homeschooled so i dont have a problem with school now, i dont talk with my dad anymore, i dont even see him, my mom stopped consuming alcohol and cigarettes
BUt now she got cancer

 

[Toy]

My early childhood was spent completely engulfed into escapism to escape the abuse my parents had put me through at that age. I was neglected and abused by my parents. I was also sexually abused but not by my parents. School was also horrible, I was bullied all throughout my time going to school and the school board did nothing to stop it since the kids who did it were "popular" and "had a reputation". When I would go home, my parents were no better. I stayed in my room or would force myself outside, which distracted me from it all until I started getting into my teens, where I became completely and utterly closed off from everyone. I started wanting to CTB at around age 7-8. I started self-harming in my middle-school years.

High school was worse and the abuse from everyone got worse in my teen years. I was put through abuse throughout my relationships and was groomed multiple times and manipulated, all of these people later blaming me and making themselves out to be a victim. I was constantly labelled as "bad" for gaining behavioral problems from the abuse. I was threatened with homelessness if I did not comply with taking care of my parent when I was neglected by them except when they gave me burnt food to eat, to which I starved myself. I started attempting to CTB in my pre-teens, all of which failed due to SI. This is still ongoing today, however I am actively making my plan to officially CTB once and for all.

I got coerced into sexual activities by one of my exes, which I was not given an option to say "no" to anything they did. The same person did this also not just for sexual activities but for anything I did, I was not allowed to get food, shower, or do what I wanted without their approval or them being there. I was only ever spoken to for them to rant about their feelings or for sexual topics. When confronted, they shift the conversation into myself having to comfort them. They are still actively gaslighting me and others about this taking place to this day. I view myself as nothing but a sexual object due to this taking place. I cannot view myself as human. If I am not being sexually abused or viewed as an object solely for sex, I feel empty, suicidal and worthless.

When I reached adulthood, I left my abusive family. It wasn't even the abuse that happened that convinced me that I needed to leave immediately, it was when I learned that one of my abusers had started physically abusing a close relative and that convinced me to leave. I did not care about what happened to me, if they're going to do it to someone else, I need out. I ended up fully leaving to which now, I cannot remember anyone's faces or connect myself to the abuse I endured unless I am dreaming or having flashbacks. My body still physically has yet to recover from the abuse.

Though I escaped all of this, I have already decided that I can't take living anymore. That is my experience up to this point, thank you for those who read this, it feels nice getting this out at least. I apologize at how long this is though

 

[Vikgrim]

Cw: Abuse, Rape, Pet Death

This may be long. Sorry. I've never had a safe place to express myself. This is the first time in 37 years I've told anyone what really happened to me and I just want someone to know.

I knew what sex was when I was 5 years old. I was molested by my grandfather and my stepdad. The fucked up thing was that my mom knew, but she didn't do anything to protect me. She was too busy bringing home men to screw. I was taking care of my brothers and sister and cleaning the house. Well, the best I could do as a kid anyways.

When I was 7 I got my face ripped off by a dog. I had so many stitches in my face that they covered the mirrors so I couldn't see myself. I've been absolutely terrified of dogs ever since.

When I was 12 my mom first abandoned me and she kept leaving for weeks at a time. She always took my brothers and sister, but never took me with her. That haunts me to this day. My grandmother threatened to put me in foster care because she didn't want me and my mom kept leaving me. I grew up completely alone.

I did really well in middle and high school despite all the bullies I was a really good student. I even went to college and got a degree that should have gotten me out of where I am but it didnt. Right as I was going for my bachelor degree I was raped at gunpoint. It traumatized me so much that I dropped out of school, stopped driving, and started to lose myself in video games. I was too scared to leave my house. Men absolutely terrified me.

Being terrified faded, but it was still there. Years later I got married that was happy for a little bit before the abuse started. I could write a book on that. He raped me, verbally assaulted me, cheated on me countless times, told me to kill myself, attempted to murder me, made me sell myself for things I needed. I was too scared to ask for anything because I knew that meant I had to have sex.

My mental health started to decline and I started to experience auditory and visual hallucinations. My husband's family held me down and gave me an exorcism, because they thought I had the devil inside me. I'm not kidding. It actually caused my personality to fragment because I completely shut down.

He started to rape me in my sleep and I got pregnant. I love my daughter, but I wish he wasn't the one that was her father. I suffered severe postpartum depression for years. My mom had my daughter for the first few years of her life until I got the courage to finally get out. I've been raising her ever since.

The worst thing he ever did to me though was kill my cat. I blame myself for that daily and I just can't fucking forgive myself. I wish I could have saved her. He killed her because he couldn't stand that I loved her. She was everything to me. A part of me died with her that day. I just hope I finally get to see her again so I can apologize.

Life is a little better now, but my living conditions absolutely suck. I've lived without heat or air conditioning for years. It's miserable. I just want a few years of comfort without a leaking roof or mice.

I want my own pet cat that I don't have to worry about someone hurting or taking to the shelter. I want to see them get old and fat and just drift off to sleep together.

Most of all I just really want a fucking hug. I'm so completely alone.