Story A stream of my consciousness

[Blue Rose]

* Sorry for my poor English. I am not a native speaker of English.

Blue rose has two meanings. The impossible, and the miracle...

Walking between life and death, light and darkness.

I have mild depression and under the treatment.
Nevertheless I realised my suicidal thoughts are not pathological results.

I love Philosophy. I used to enjoy reading many profound books in my school library,
and reflecting my life and the end of it.

I met my beloved in 2020. He professed his love to me, I said yes...
He also confessed that he has been Catholic;)

One day, I opened my heart to him.
I could trust him sincerely, so I told my suicidal thoughts too.
He never blamed me! He sympathised with me... and he said he was anxious. I was not able to say any words.

Another day, we discussed our life. I told that I have been sober, have wanted to choice 'the end' of my own accord.
But I also promised not to leave him before our parting.

Now I am hoping for catching the bus someday with SN, however, not now.
I would like to love my family and my beloved... maybe even my days for a while...

 

[Midgardsorm]

Hello Blue Rose,

I'm not totally sure I understand your motivation to ctb. I'll not ask, since it might be a long story, but don't you think that if found someone that care for you, and you're supposedly in recovery, doesn't mean life might be getting on the right track?

It's indeed a miracle. In that difficult year, 2020 was really hard and yet you found someone, that even understands your way of thinking. Your feelings towards life and your decision to ctb, that might be on hold for now.

Don't stop believing in miracles. You might be living yours.

If you ever decide to ctb. Of course, it's your decision. But, for now, with not enjoy your miracle?