"A few months left.."

[MetallicCognition]

I've known I wanted to kms for most of my life. I spent most of my 20's thinking about it.

You know about "edging"? I feel like I'm edging my life. I've been close for years and years. Perpetually feeling like any moment now I'll pull the metaphorical trigger but never quite pushing myself over the edge. "Surely in a few weeks or months I'll be at peace". Year after year, I'm a few months away at most. Decades pass, always "any week now", but maybe this time I mean it. I'm planning my method and know I can be successful. But not today.. maybe in a few weeks. "Now isn't the right moment". But then.. when is?

I'm sure next year I'll look back on this as just yet another year where I thought this would be my last, but I kept plodding sadly forwards.

Maybe it's a courage issue. Am I not strong enough to *actually* do it? That would be fitting. "I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it". Maybe it's just a fantasy.

It somehow makes me feel even more sad. If only someone could take matters out of my hands.

 

[worstOFsociety]

I feel you, I'm in my twenties and have been thinking about ending it for as long as I can remember and even have done a couple of half hearted attempts through different methods without any success. I'm currently just living day to day trying to make the best out of it but still wishing that something will happen that'll kill me. Everyone around me thinks I'm doing well now that I've recovered from everything that has happened to me throughout my life. Yet here I am wanting to disappear from this world. Living day by day waiting for my eventual death. Not being able to do it by myself as I don't want my family to blame themselves for my death but still wanting something anything to end it for me. Feeling like I'm not meant for this world, that I won't make it through the year. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, next month I'll finally find peace. Who knows. Wish I could go back in time and do it properly back when I had the guts to do it.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Could be that ideation or planning gives you relief from stuff in your life. Or it could be procrastination, if that's something affecting other areas in life. Hard to know really. Lots of people have passive ideation their whole life.

 

[overmorrow]

fomo is such a terrible thing, but don't underestimate it, it's a hard feeling, to control.

 

[brickedup]

i feel exactly the same way, but for me i've been thinking of suicide since i was 10 and i'm 19 now. i will be 20 in july but theres a high chance i'll stay 19 forever. little me already knew i wouldn't be making it very far in life and would probably die around my 20's. i think at this point i'm "edging" this like you, or maybe i'm just trying to get a really good reason to finally go