Venting 3 years here and i havent changed

[bussy]

its been so long since i was here, so so much has changed, but i havent

first, i want to say sorry. as last time i was here i posted on the partners thread back in summer 2024 since me and my friend wanted to find people to ctb with.
he eventually backed out of our agreement after i had already made so many arrangements... and due to other reasons i am no longer friends with that person anymore.
because of that and other stuff going on in my life (as well as the UK safety act), its been over a year and i find myself here again.

i remember crying here about thinking my life was over because i couldnt get into university, yet now i have just started my second semester of uni, surrounded by the sweetest friends i could ask for. my parents are proud that im attained scholarships and awards, i have so many academic and career opportunites laid out for me. ontop of that i also got a boyfriend, passed my theory for driving and will have my first lesson tommorrow, so why am i still SO miserable???? am i just ungrateful? i have done so much in this time but why havent i stopped thinking like this?

like the things i cried about before, i now have, so why am i still like this?
i despise myself for acting like this and frankly i dont even know if im suited for this whole relationship thing,
im a fucking idiot for putting myself into all these situations, everything moved so fast.
i opened up about everything to him, and when he saw my sh scars all he had to say was "people who cut themselves do it for attention" ontop of "suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do"
these have always been huge topics of discussion but it just feels gross for him to say that to me.
i dont even know what im saying but hes a good bf and hes patient with me. its both our first realtionships so i understand if things arent perfect at first.
the biggest issue in everything is me, for the past months we have been together, every few days or so when we call i would always be so insufferable.

why am i so angry all the time with him, i feel like im so easily irritated when im around him, i yell at him, act petty, lash out at him and just make everything more difficult.
im not like this with anyone else. its only him and i always feel so guilty after yet nothing has changed. hes dealt with my behaviour constantly and i feel as if i dont change now ill slowly lose him
is it because of my ego that doesnt allow me to change? i cant even apologise after an argument with him because i feel as if ive "lost". i am actively pushing him away
im so sick of this he always asks me whats wrong but i can NEVER say anything???
like i dont even know whats wrong with me and i cant put anything into words but he keeps prying for an answer that i cant give. i hate this so much
he made me promise not to cut anymore, i have been clean for months but i dont know anymore

what is my issue? i should have went along with my plan back in 2024, since everything around me and my life has changed significantly but my mentality and behaviour hasnt.
i was an idiot to call it off just because my "friend" did, i was stupid to think that it was a sign to give life another chance. i still have my SN after all this time, i never deleted my ctb plan and SN regieme. i told myself then, that id give myself a year to see if my life has changed before i made a firm choice. so what do i do if life is going great but im not?????

 

[Cyc]

Sometimes life can be great but the feelings don't go away. I felt the same when my life was perfect a few months ago; surrounded by good friends, a boyfriend and I had good grades as well. You're not ungrateful, sometimes our feelings don't change even when our lives do. I think what your boyfriend said about sh is kinda shitty, a lot of people self harm out of desperation or because they can't find a way to cope imo, alongside saying suicide is selfish. Everyone has the right to die and choosing to do so isn't selfish at all, even fi ti affects other people

 

[Jello Biafra]

its been so long since i was here, so so much has changed, but i havent

first, i want to say sorry. as last time i was here i posted on the partners thread back in summer 2024 since me and my friend wanted to find people to ctb with.
he eventually backed out of our agreement after i had already made so many arrangements... and due to other reasons i am no longer friends with that person anymore.
because of that and other stuff going on in my life (as well as the UK safety act), its been over a year and i find myself here again.

i remember crying here about thinking my life was over because i couldnt get into university, yet now i have just started my second semester of uni, surrounded by the sweetest friends i could ask for. my parents are proud that im attained scholarships and awards, i have so many academic and career opportunites laid out for me. ontop of that i also got a boyfriend, passed my theory for driving and will have my first lesson tommorrow, so why am i still SO miserable???? am i just ungrateful? i have done so much in this time but why havent i stopped thinking like this?

like the things i cried about before, i now have, so why am i still like this?
i despise myself for acting like this and frankly i dont even know if im suited for this whole relationship thing,
im a fucking idiot for putting myself into all these situations, everything moved so fast.
i opened up about everything to him, and when he saw my sh scars all he had to say was "people who cut themselves do it for attention" ontop of "suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do"
these have always been huge topics of discussion but it just feels gross for him to say that to me.
i dont even know what im saying but hes a good bf and hes patient with me. its both our first realtionships so i understand if things arent perfect at first.
the biggest issue in everything is me, for the past months we have been together, every few days or so when we call i would always be so insufferable.

why am i so angry all the time with him, i feel like im so easily irritated when im around him, i yell at him, act petty, lash out at him and just make everything more difficult.
im not like this with anyone else. its only him and i always feel so guilty after yet nothing has changed. hes dealt with my behaviour constantly and i feel as if i dont change now ill slowly lose him
is it because of my ego that doesnt allow me to change? i cant even apologise after an argument with him because i feel as if ive "lost". i am actively pushing him away
im so sick of this he always asks me whats wrong but i can NEVER say anything???
like i dont even know whats wrong with me and i cant put anything into words but he keeps prying for an answer that i cant give. i hate this so much
he made me promise not to cut anymore, i have been clean for months but i dont know anymore

what is my issue? i should have went along with my plan back in 2024, since everything around me and my life has changed significantly but my mentality and behaviour hasnt.
i was an idiot to call it off just because my "friend" did, i was stupid to think that it was a sign to give life another chance. i still have my SN after all this time, i never deleted my ctb plan and SN regieme. i told myself then, that id give myself a year to see if my life has changed before i made a firm choice. so what do i do if life is going great but im not?????

Nothing ever changes unless you take the initiative and attempt to change things yourself. Not saying it's easy - what I'm saying is that it requires effort. Don't expect to change overnight. Baby steps. But once you find success in making even a real small change, it starts to snowball. You will feel better about yourself and will be invigorated to keep going.

All you have to do is make an honest effort and the first step is simply acknowledging that you want to change. All of these problems you have were meant to teach you something. Use your imagination. Use hypotheticals, it doesn't matter as long as there is some effort behind it. Perhaps some of this is meant to teach you patience. Acknowledge that and you have your foot in the door.

 

[reticulator]

I've had suicidal tendencies since I was 13, so I think it's something to do with the brain chemistry. I want to try TMS therapy

 

[RainyDays]

I saw some of me in your post...

I've achieved things in life, traveled, and had amazing experiences. Yet, I feel empty.

 

[HangMan123]

I've had suicidal tendencies since I was 13, so I think it's something to do with the brain chemistry. I want to try TMS therapy

Yeah—the brain reinforced neural pathways/ways of thinking over a long depressive period. Now, it defaults to those pathways because they're the most developed, if that makes sense? I've had it explained to me like pathways in a forest; the more you walk the same path, the wider and clearer it will become—brains are the same way.
Paving a brand-new path is difficult, but it's definitely doable. You just need a constant, mindful effort and lots of repetition.
I hope TMS works for you, if you get around to it!

 

[capi]

Okay, i think a big problem is that relationship. You probably wont listen to me but you need to leave. Like seriously, this is like someone trying to pull you out a bear pit right now

Your symptoms are getting worse around him and you should not be blinded by hope that you can somehow heal with him because he obviously sucks as a person to heal with. Having good qualities as a bf doesnt mean shit if they have bad ones. And you can never, ever change people even if you deserve it. Even if you think all of the problems is coming from you, just leave. Im begging.

 

[SASU-KE]

, i have so many academic and career opportunites laid out for me. ontop of that i also got a boyfriend, passed my theory for driving and will have my first lesson tommorrow, so why am i still SO miserable????

It's not your fault. It's just your chemistry. I've given up on being happy. It's not going to happen for me. I Got a good job, education, everything. I just can't feel happy and I just am OK with it for now. I've accepted that I'm not going to be happy. The little pleasures and the smalll joys are just keeping me going for now.