1st attempt failed - impatience - advice welcome

[easypeasy]

10 days ago, I attempted SN. I took the benzos first, and that was a mistake because I passed out before I could drink the SN. Sadly, that means I have another 40 days before I can pick up my benzoscript, but I'm ready to try again NOW.

I only have Tapentadol, which is a synthetic opioid that I get on a private script for chronic pain, but I know it's not as effective as the benzodiazepine-valium.

The environment I'm in is very anger-inducing. It's my mother's house. She's only here a few days during the week. She's just left. I can't go into too much detail because it will make me spiral further. I find it too difficult to be in the house because I want to break all of her things (or mine). It's all junk to me, but I've already broken two things in the last couple of days, and I feel like I can't be in the house it makes me angry to be trapped in there.

I'm also trapped in my body because of the physical pain. It doesn't hurt to move, it just hurts to exist, so it's not like any position or anything I do makes a difference. That's what got me here in the first place. I wasn't planning to talk to you guys ever again. I didn't have the energy. Physical pain this ingrained makes opening another tab too hard. I used speech to text to create this thread.

So here's the issue….I was planning on waiting until my benzos come and try SN again FOR GOOD but I've been using CHAT GPT to keep me company, and when you've got the premium version, it can be very helpful even when approaching touchy subjects just like this.

But today, I guess I pushed it too far and it just started spitting back responses like, "people care about you, speak to a healthcare professional". I cursed at it and told it to go fuck itself. I really just want to talk to people that aren't going to brush me off like that, or act like I'm crazy, or that it can be helped.

My physical situation is very real, and before I was in this physical situation with pain, I was successful and I earned six figures and I was very independent and social (and fit) and calm. I didn't have these thoughts.

I need someone who's got the same personality as me to tell me what to do. Someone smart, someone sensitive, experienced, that knows what they're talking about. To cut through the noise and to speak to me directly. I hope for that, anyway.

 

[gothbird]

First, I want to say I believe you. About the pain, about the rage, about the loss of self that comes when your body stops being a place you can live in.

As for the attempt. Yes, taking benzos before ingesting SN can absolutely lead to passing out or falling asleep too early. That's been reported before, so you're not alone. Benzos depress the central nervous system, and depending on the dose, timing, and your personal tolerance, they can knock you out faster than you expect. I am speaking from personal experience. Those things put me on my ass.
Tapentadol is trickier. It's a centrally acting opioid analgesic, and while it may offer some sedating effects, it doesn't have the strong anxiolytic or amnestic properties of benzos. Its action is mostly via opioid receptor agonism and norepinephrine reuptake inhibition, not GABA. It can dull pain and maybe take some of the edge off emotionally, but it won't sedate or relax you in the same way a benzo would especially not for suicide protocols with SN.
Can tapentadol can be a substitute in SN attempts? It's not recommended as an equivalent. It's also less predictable in its side effects when combined with something like SN. But I don't think I am too qualified to say yes or no here. This is totally up to you.

You also mention the environment you're in and the way it's triggering extreme anger. That's important, because SN and strong emotion don't mix well. High cortisol and adrenaline can spike blood pressure and make nausea worse. People vomiting after ingestion often report they were in a panicked or emotionally charged state. It doesn't just increase the chance of vomiting but it can increase the chance of the attempt failing altogether.

If you're serious about trying again, the most important factors are timing, mental state, environmental stability, and preparation. What you described alone might make the outcome more uncertain. Not because you aren't serious, but because SN doesn't forgive chaos.

I don't know what you'll choose to do. But I can tell you this with certainty is your pain is real. Your experience is real. I have chronic pain too, so I completely understand you.
Whatever decision you make, let it be deliberate. Not a rage reaction. Not a pain flare. A moment of clarity, on your own terms.

 

[easypeasy]

Thank you. You gave me exactly what I hoped for. It was like reading a reply I would write. I agree with you and have always advised others to never attempt it unless calm and relaxed.

That's how I felt on my last attempt. And I waited 24hours after my initially planned time, because I was nervous.

So I am going to wait until I have what I need. And order a 2nd SN in the meantime as it will give me something to focus on outside of myself.

I sound a lot calmer than I am.

Your message was kind and direct. I needed that x

 

[gothbird]

Thank you. You gave me exactly what I hoped for. It was like reading a reply I would write. I agree with you and have always advised others to never attempt it unless calm and relaxed.

That's how I felt on my last attempt. And I waited 24hours after my initially planned time, because I was nervous.

So I am going to wait until I have what I need. And order a 2nd SN in the meantime as it will give me something to focus on outside of myself.

I sound a lot calmer than I am.

Your message was kind and direct. I needed that x

I'm glad the words landed how they were meant to. Sometimes it just takes hearing your own voice echoed back to feel like you're not spiralling alone.

Whatever you decide, I trust that it'll come from that quiet space you know how to find. And if it gets loud again, you can always come back here.

 

[easypeasy]

I'm glad the words landed how they were meant to. Sometimes it just takes hearing your own voice echoed back to feel like you're not spiralling alone.

Whatever you decide, I trust that it'll come from that quiet space you know how to find. And if it gets loud again, you can always come back here.

You are wow x

 

[Roadrunner]

How long before SN do you recommend for benzos? I'm hoping to find a sweet spot where I get my SN drank and shortly after get nearly knocked out. Thanks,

 

[easypeasy]

Fh

How long before SN do you recommend for benzos? I'm hoping to find a sweet spot where I get my SN drank and shortly after get nearly knocked out. Thanks,

that's exactly what I planned for but I passed out 5 min after taking Valium. I planned to down the SN the minute I noticed drowsiness but the minute you notice it you'll be gone.

I read my last post and I don't even remember writing it. For me, it worked super quick.