1. What was your first ever attempt like? 2. Does anybody here remember their first time contemplating this and other NSSI?

[El Fin]

1. What was your first ever attempt like?
2. Does anybody here remember their first time contemplating this and other NSSI?

[VENT] ; {SKIP! :) }
I vividly remember being 11 and making a little cut on my index finger.... downhill from there. I believe i had problems before, i wouldn't be able to sleep without crying almost everyday because i was convinced i was a horrible, incompetent human being -- doesn't sound too serious, but it fucked up my little, fragile & developing mind. It didn't help that i had always portrayed myself in a way to achieve praise from the elders, people pleasing was second nature. which is why, as a kid, i learned that showing affection, asking for help, etc -- meant you were too clingy, too dependent, too childish (even tho you literally were a child). I distanced myself, kept to myself, played the perfect kid, and "succeeded".

There was a vast period of time with familial problems. I felt as though i had to fill in the shoes of my parents for my sibling, to ensure they don't do what i did, (sh, develop an ed), but it still happened, glad they were able to convince my parents for therapy(once) tho... i was never bold enough to even bring it up. The problems worsened for a few years, with one of my parent's religious ocd and other parent's anxiety -- kept me walking on eggshells, tho now, everything is normal(they still haven't accepted they have issues, but they manage now)... i can't talk to them...the things that happened altered my perception vastly..

Now in college, i spend hours isolating, have OD-ed on ambien, (didn't work- surprise, surprise!), just lost and the sh is back, grades are dipping low, ... and professors think that ain't like me (i was scoring way higher before), but the maladaptive daydreaming (5 years spent doing it, roughly 12 hours a day, 7 hours on a good day.) keeps me away from seeking help. Also, weird thing i noticed --colleagues/classmates know about this, ive talked to em and obv, they have no obligation to help me or empathise, but they are so evidently idk...happy. Happy that i've stopped trying, stopped studying..maybe i'm looking too much into it. I really can't describe it, people in my head keep talking to me all day in the background (if that makes sense?) i obviously don't want to instil any feelings of disgust or startle anybody i know by confessing to these feelings.

My mind has been plagued for quite a while, with these constant, unbearable thoughts of CTB. The problem is my foot is firmly planted on both sides -- wanting to live and wanting to die, therefore, i can't really move forward/improve either; i dont know what i want, my parents are good people, they are not inherently bad, they've gone through shit, whilst taking care of us. and me ctb would make them spiral, sadden them. However, my brain is fried, its attention seeking, it latches onto the person who shows me the slightest bit of empathy. i understand these problems aren't too serious, infact, they are quite trivial in comparison to what could've been, however, im not at peace, at all.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never properly attempted as after all I exist in this horrific reality where I'm so cruelly denied the option to never suffer ever again, I always suffer so unbearably from being trapped in this terrible, torturous and dreadful existence I just always saw as the most cruel, terrible mistake.

The fact that painless, guaranteed death is denied for me is such a horrific crime, there's just so much extreme cruelty in how humans want to force others to be tortured in this existence for as much and as long as possible, I find it so horrifying how there is no limit as to how much one can be tortured in this reality, it's so terrifying to me how trying to cease existing can go wrong and lead to way worse torture. In my case I've always and only wished for the peace of non-existence, to me existence itself is a terrible mistake that just causes endless amounts of cruelty, harm and suffering and I just don't want to suffer, I don't want to be tortured by this existence rather all I want is peace, to be conscious in this existence is such a terrible abomination, for me only non-existence is positive, I just want to erase this dreadful, cruel existence.