How do you feel right now?

[juna]

Well, I feel a bit lonely. Never even imagined I would end up with no friends. Everyone moved to a different place. I don't know what I am doing wrong that I can't get myself even 1 friend. I mean I am not even trying. But last year, I tried and I could not really relate to anyone, everyone has goals in life, want to be married, want little kids and here I am stuck in my painful emotional world, hoping to die soon.
Tomorrow I don't know what I will do with an entire day. At least week days are busy so I get exhausted by nightfall and fall asleep.

 

[Ash]

 

[lazyeye]

"When I am sad, oh, God, I'm sad (you are still here, you are still happy)
But when I'm happy, I am happy (you are still smiling and laughing)
And there's just no place in between for us to meet (you are still the only thing and everything I need in my life)
(Sad)"

Best explained by a song I suppose. Ultimately, sad. Have been processing a very painful breakup the last few months.

 

[Redleaf1992]

Just staring at computer trying to get some work done. But untreated ADHD and feeling pants (although not horrendous today) prevents that. Work and deadlines piling up and makes me feel more hopeless - and want to CTB. Reminding myself doing it for fam but it's so hard.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I feel hopeless and without a future. I just want my life over with. The hardest part is I really tried. I really really tried to improve it but it all just went to crap. I don't even know if my attempt on Saturday is classed as an official attempt because my dissociative disorder took over. At least it does show that I have the ability to set it up. I just need to try and not let SI take over my brain. I've made one last attempt at fighting life by emailing to ask for my support worker back but it doesn't seem positive in which case I will keep attempting to CTB once I'm told their decision.

 

[Ash]

Anxious, ready to binge

 

[NullSz00]

Like trash

 

[JaJu]

Starting to understand the frustration of others who tried to "help" me because I'm trying to encourage and support my friend who is also very depressed and who has a very negative self-image, but they just seem to brush off all of my words of support and remain in the same negative headspace no matter how many times they thank me or say they're going to try. In my case, I didn't respond well to my family's attempts to "help" because they did not understand my condition one bit and were very demanding, so I'm wondering if I'm also failing to understand my friend's situation/condition and am expecting too much from them.. staying patient, positive, and hopeful.

 

[Ash]

Starting to understand the frustration of others who tried to "help" me because I'm trying to encourage and support my friend who is also very depressed and who has a very negative self-image, but they just seem to brush off all of my words of support and remain in the same negative headspace no matter how many times they thank me or say they're going to try. In my case, I didn't respond well to my family's attempts to "help" because they did not understand my condition one bit and were very demanding, so I'm wondering if I'm also failing to understand my friend's situation/condition and am expecting too much from them.. staying patient, positive, and hopeful.

I've trod both sides of the coin (if that makes any sense) and I totally understand the frustration of the helper and failure to grasp what the depressed / suicidal person feels to be blatantly obvious points, and consequential upset of both parties, especially if they're emotionally attached to one another... Both are incredibly biased and get caught in a trap of trying to understand when it's impossible and they should be focusing on just listening and empathising. And that does apply to both. But rational approaches to highly emotional situations tend to go straight out of the window. I can see that quite clearly, sitting in bed with an enormous mug of tea, music playing, my dog curled up with me etc.

Big hugs xx

 

[Redleaf1992]

The charity gender/sexuality councillor I go to currently seems to have forgotten to book me in after a few week break. Really needed to talk to someone as really struggelled today and has left me crying in the car, just feeling fed up and wanting to die.

 

[Ash]

The charity gender/sexuality councillor I go to currently seems to have forgotten to book me in after a few week break. Really needed to talk to someone as really struggelled today and has left me crying in the car, just feeling fed up and wanting to die.

It's really crap when admin like that gets in the way. Really hope it's sorted out ASAP and they're genuinely apologetic xxx

 

[Redleaf1992]

It's really crap when admin like that gets in the way. Really hope it's sorted out ASAP and they're genuinely apologetic xxx

I think she had just forgotten about me, if I don't message her I'm sure are session would just cease to exist and I'd disappear from memory.

I'm kinda done with her, she seemed to always forget what we have done and what was said before, and say we will do one thing next and then do somthing different next week, and contradict herself between sessions. The good thing is the sessions are free but feel pointless and a waste of time.

Just annoying that it's the one semi useful thing the NHS signposted to me. Just know not to waste my time with them, you wait ages for nothing.

 

[Life_and_Death]

unsupported and like youre burning bridges
"money problems money problems money problems money problems"
"hey, theres this program in town that ive been wanting to do and still want to do. (that will get me my GED, my driver license and some other courses) and ill get paid for it"
"eh"
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!??? I OFFER TO BRING MONEY INTO THE HOUSE AND IMPROVE MY LIFE AND YOU DONT SUPPORT ME AFTER IVE BITCHED AND BITCHED ABOUT BEING UNSUPPORTED. and im just positive that if i brought it up "well i never said you couldnt go" you completely lack the understanding of "support" so dont fucking act like blowing me off is support

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Nothing like the smell of someone else's literal shit in the morning and the potential fear of this person wiping it on me to instantly ruin my day. Just caregiver things.

 

[JaJu]

I've trod both sides of the coin (if that makes any sense) and I totally understand the frustration of the helper and failure to grasp what the depressed / suicidal person feels to be blatantly obvious points, and consequential upset of both parties, especially if they're emotionally attached to one another... Both are incredibly biased and get caught in a trap of trying to understand when it's impossible and they should be focusing on just listening and empathising. And that does apply to both. But rational approaches to highly emotional situations tend to go straight out of the window.

Thanks for taking time to give feedback! You're right, I appreciate the gentle reminder that the most important thing I can do right now is to be there to listen and empathize with them.

I can see that quite clearly, sitting in bed with an enormous mug of tea, music playing, my dog curled up with me etc.

Big hugs xx

That sounds really comforting and relaxing! Continue to give yourself nice things like that—hope you've been doing alright for the most part or at least hanging in there one day at a time.

 

[Ash]

Just burnt my favourite snack and then burnt my tongue on it. Go figure

 

[Life_and_Death]

unsupported and like youre burning bridges
"money problems money problems money problems money problems"
"hey, theres this program in town that ive been wanting to do and still want to do. (that will get me my GED, my driver license and some other courses) and ill get paid for it"
"eh"
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!!??? I OFFER TO BRING MONEY INTO THE HOUSE AND IMPROVE MY LIFE AND YOU DONT SUPPORT ME AFTER IVE BITCHED AND BITCHED ABOUT BEING UNSUPPORTED. and im just positive that if i brought it up "well i never said you couldnt go" you completely lack the understanding of "support" so dont fucking act like blowing me off is support

yesterday: "im not even sure we're going to have a vehicle so i can drive you"

today: "no matter what i do im going to still need a personal vehicle"


but you call youself supportive?? you just agree with me that im an outside person yet im here playing video games 24/7.
"why do you want to leave? am i really that bad? im not a gaslighter. i support you"
hmmm....why might i not like you.....thats a really really good question that i just cant figure the answer out.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm extremely mad because somehow a mosquito got into my room in the middle of the night even though I have no windows open and I've barely left it all day. I absolutely hate mosquitos because they especially love me due to my O type blood and diabetes.

 

[LittleJem]

Bone tired and jaded

 

[Ash]

Bone tired and jaded

Same

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I feel defeated today. My therapist wanted to get the police involved after my attempt on Saturday and then refusing to sign her suicide contract (Where I can't attempt for a month) during today's session. I convinced her not to by telling her I wouldn't attempt whilst I am in the care of a family member over today and tomorrow morning.. but once that is finished i'm not sure what I'll do. I feel defeated because I feel like I'm out of methods. I know this is the recovery side of the forums but it's just difficult.

 

[Mirrory Me]

I feel unmotivated and a bit lonely... I am also angry at myself for not taking advantage of opportunities in the past. Maybe I'm bad at motivating myself - too narrow-minded... Maybe some day I'll find a more steady pace to support myself... I don't know what the future will bring- if only I knew how to act, or what possibilities there are... What do I have to lose.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I feel unmotivated and a bit lonely... I am also angry at myself for not taking advantage of opportunities in the past. Maybe I'm bad at motivating myself - too narrow-minded... Maybe some day I'll find a more steady pace to support myself... I don't know what the future will bring- if only I knew how to act, or what possibilities there are... What do I have to lose.

I hear that. I used to have tunnel vision. I fucked up a lot, Christ.

 

[JaJu]

Feeling dead inside and wanting to perish after making a mistake at work that will ruin a customer's experience if things don't go 100% miraculously as planned tomorrow—it seems it most likely won't, unfortunately. I feel defeated because I absolutely did my best work, coming in early every day and staying late after hours to take care of everything and trying my best to make sure everything is done and done right... I didn't realize I would run into such a situation like this.. this early, working at my new job... they took multiple pictures of me helping them without my knowledge and may very likely use those photos when submitting their negative review... and that will be the last straw for me at this job. I am going to look around and see if there are any other job openings right now, but honestly I just want to give up and go back to rotting doing nothing.. hidden away from the world... it seems to be what I'm best at doing..

 

[Ash]

Amazingly, I slept and didn't have any weird dreams. Felt good for a few moments. Then I remembered everything that happened yesterday and FML.

 

[ViperFish]

tired too. its warm down here right now so been trying to help fix stuff in the warehouse so im not out in the sun too much but its nice to not have seasonal affective disorder as bad as its been over winter. good outside of that though just getting through it day by day. trying to work on understanding myself more and stuff i missed out on as a kid so treated myself to a beach trip a couple weeks ago which was nice

 

[Ash]

Nextdoor's other half is down for the weekend from Scotland

• The good: he bought me a goodie bag of some of my favourite Scottish food stuffs
• The bad: he promptly clocked the dressing on my wrist and from the look on his face, knew exactly what it was
• The ugly: the aforementioned goodie bag did not include any Tunnocks teacakes. Not even a guilty wrapper to suggest he'd thought to buy some but ate them on the drive down

 

[soulkitty]

Not good not good at all. I saw a spider in the bathroom it looked spooky and then it disappeared now I'm paranoid everytime go in there

 

[Ash]

Not good not good at all. I saw a spider in the bathroom it looked spooky and then it disappeared now I'm paranoid everytime go in there

Awww, poor spider. Eating all the eating pesky insects and bugs for you and respectfully giving you some privacy when you need to pee.

 

[soulkitty]

Awww, poor spider. Eating all the eating pesky insects and bugs for you and respectfully giving you some privacy when you need to pee.

Haha that is true I actually love spiders but can't help but be scared they'll crawl on me or bite one of the cats TwT