This is the true zodiac in all its glory! The only one that matters. Who needs weird horse people and crabs when you can be a superhero or pirate. Obviously I am very unique and special so my sign is not represented there. Instead I am the star sign of the Cthulhu Dragon. To arrive at the date of this star sign I spoke to my reincarnated self that was once the king of Atlantis where time is measured differently. The downsides of this star sign though is the more I try and understand the world I inhabit the more insane I go! The dragon aspect also makes me bad tempered when encountering insanity provoking things. I guess that is the price of being unique and special but born under a bad tentacly sign.
It is not all bad though because when the planet known simply as the Rogue Planet jiggles a bit. I gain the uncanny ability to read my own farts, which Cthulhu told me to nickname the Phantom Menace in honor of the decline of the star wars franchise. If I closely study the Phantom menaces I can determine the future based on their pungency and potentially eggy nature.
I am quite confident I can predict your financial future and potential love interests via this method. As well as if you are at risk of being abducted by invisible mole people or space pirates, that will press you into creating bootleg games and films all featuring Ben Stiller. These pirates seem to worship him like a god, don't ask me why. Then will make you watch everything he has ever created, you won't even be allowed to be stoned either! You should be very afraid of this eventuality. Imagine the horror of it! So you should definitely come see me! It is the only way to be safe from the uncertainty of the future and the dangers of Ben Stiller loving space pirates.
Readings will cost an equivalent of £100. Or if you want a more detailed Phantom Menace experience it cost £300. I also accept bitcoin and galactic universal credits if you have them. Should you want my full anti Space Pirate package that guarantees your safety, that will cost a grand in three installment made on the 9th of the month. The numerology of the ninth is important to your ongoing safety. Who says you can't buy peace of mind?
You will also need to bring some boiled eggs and gherkins as well, as it helps me deliver a more efficient and accurate reading.
