well I already knew before watching the video that I gonna commit suicide and that I am bad at playing the game called life. I watched my favorite German philsophy show today. Sadly there is no English translation yet. The show is pretty pretty good for deep talk. This guy is 98 years old, fought in second world war. He said he could enjoy life to that time because death was omnipresent. Well death is also always present in my life/mind and I cannot enjoy life. Recently I have the feeling free will is an illusion to a large extent. Most of my problems stem from child abuse and bad genes. I am not meant to win this game.
He also says openess for surprises is essential. However I am simply not thankful for my life. I fucking hate everything and want to off myself since I am 15.
His key message is being thankful for what life offers is essential. Well I am simply not. It is deep seated in my character. He said life without trust in life is living hell. And this was a point that made me think. Maybe he is right with that. But I think I am just too lost. I am so deep into killing myself for such a long time. I also don't want to thankful for the torture than I am exposed to.
Life spits in my face so so so often. It happened so often. This love paranoia makes me so fucking suicidal. I think if this repeats again I might off myself. Life is ridiculing me. Someone or something wants to drive me to commit suicide. It is like someone is enjoying my daily torture. I don't have it in me. This zen-monk also admires Victor Frankl and I relate to that. However I am simply no Victor Frankl. I am broken. I am a deeply broken person that cannot heal. That only survives by fantasizing every single day how to kill myself posting myriads of threads in a suicide forum.
