I think love bullying is such a stupid concept

[noname223]

Today I had a date/meeting with a woman. It turned out she is also neurodiverse. ADHD and autism. Thus far I only told her I have autism. But hinted maybe there is more. We had extremely good chemistry. Our conversations on the app were really amazing. I still have major doubts whether we will end up in a relationship.
It seems like her ex was really toxic and she is in therapy to cope with what happened. I think she also tested whether I respect boundaries. And I did.

We laughed so much. We cracked one joke after the other. We talked about a lot of videogames and TV shows we both watched. The conversation was really deep and personal. I asked one time whether I overshared and she replied she has no problem with that and she herself does this too.

There was something weird. We know each other from a dating channel on an app. And thus far I had the feeling that the meeting was actually a date. But when we took a long walk she told me she replied to many men she is not interested in dating. And she looks more for social contacts. At the same time she elaborated what she meant with that. With dating she means that men pressured her to have sex with her to assess whether the physical component fits. And she rejects that idea. She refered to a friend with whom she discussses sports. And my language it sounded like she was talking about a potential boyfriend. I asked her whether she is in a relationship. And she told me she can reassure me she has no boyfriend

I think she also tested me how I react when she talks about something sexual. Whether I respect boundaries. I have the feeling she has made a lot of bad experiences. We talked about Game of Thrones and she talked about the sex scenes. And then she refered to another TV show with really explicit sexual scenes. I got a boner but I tried to hide it. But obviously I didn't act on anything. Never in my life would I want to be such a guy. When the talked about that stuff we also entered a garden where there wasn't much space between us. I am not sure whether she wanted to test whether I would touch her. Obviously I didn't do that.

We talked about the Nintendo Switch 2. She told me she doesn't want to give the company more money. I told her my friends had the same opinion. And they shitted on me when I pre-ordered the console. Two of them bought the console later though. One of them even bought the console of a scalper because he considered Mario Kart World as too tempting. I told her I didn't want to emphasize that my friends were inconsistent. She couldn't understand and told me I really should have rubbed that in. I told her I think this wouldn't be smart. If my friends buy a new console we spend more time on gaming together and I really enjoy that. I really dislike the notion of having to rub it in. Especially with my friends. I like my friends so much because I make myself so vulnerable. And it would be very easy to judge me. But they never do that. We are extremely open and we support each other as good as possible. Especially when it comes to insecurities. I had friends in the past. I ghosted them. Who liked to mock other friends for insecurities. And I really realyl hate that. The concept of friendly or love bullying is bullshit. And I have the feeling you attract fake friends and fake partners if this is a common behavior. I think I do something different to love bullying with my friends. I am a complete bullshitter. I talk about really absurd things. And I think if you are a frequent reader of my posts you might be surprised. WIth my closest friends I crack so weird and absurd jokes. I cracked a lot of diarrhea jokes. I make weird funny noises and weird faces. My friends too. I once jokingly said we should make a ranking which of our mothers is the hottest MILF. A friend of mine reminded that I once made this joke. I completely forgot that. My friends like to spend time with me. And I am good at making them laugh. But we laugh together and not about each others weak spots. And this is where love bullying doesn't add up to me. Love and degragation doesn't go hand in hand with me. And I don't really see the benefit if you do that. Bullies in school might argue the goal was to strengthen the character and resilience of this victim. But that is extreme bullshit. As I said I think this concept is very toxic and attracts the wrong people. People who als don't respect boundaries. But then again some women are attracted to bad boys. And I am simply not one of them. On dating apps I often read that some women really enjoy love bullying.

 

[jojobanana]

Can I say firstly you seem very introspective and a lot of girls like that. I would like to know what your definition of "love bullying" is because you have spoken about joking with your friends which is very different from something referred to in dating as "negging".
"Negging" refers to using language in a way to undermine your love interests self esteem and it's emotionally abusive. It's not true that women are generally attracted to bad boys. No truly some men start off good and become bad and it leads to a very unhappy relationship. If this is what you're referring to absolutely don't do that. She seems interested in getting to know you as a person. I would say explore getting to know her too and share your humour:) good luck to you

 

[noname223]

Can I say firstly you seem very introspective and a lot of girls like that. I would like to know what your definition of "love bullying" is because you have spoken about joking with your friends which is very different from something referred to in dating as "negging".
"Negging" refers to using language in a way to undermine your love interests self esteem and it's emotionally abusive. It's not true that women are generally attracted to bad boys. No truly some men start off good and become bad and it leads to a very unhappy relationship. If this is what you're referring to absolutely don't do that. She seems interested in getting to know you as a person. I would say explore getting to know her too and share your humour:) good luck to you

I think your defintion of "negging" fits perfectly. This is what I refered to as love bullying. I read the term love bullying a couple of times on dating app. But I believe you that one shouldn't do that and most likely not that many women are really interested in it.

 

[cluefixphantom]

If someone loves you, they don't want to harm you. Bullying and passiv aggressive behavior belongs to discrimination. I had this everywhere because people feel my face and hair is ugly.

 

[fishperson]

I love the way u view things and the way u talk about it. Men be making dating / talking to a woman sound so complicated while all u gotta do is treat them like a human being.
If u dont have similar interest and if the conversation isnt smooth no need to force it. But they usually tend to do so , just to get inside their pants. And what thats done , now they are depressed and wanna break up.
This also happens with women that date men just for money and stability.
Its very easy to figure out if u connect with someone or not , idk why people struggle so much with that

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

It does sound like bullshit on the surface, but it's maybe useful to think about why things like love bullying or negging are even things to begin with. For the same reason that someone might look at BDSM and go "that's not pleasurable". It really depends on a person's preference. Especially in the context of love and dating, many people are turned off by a predictable and direct route. So the idea of a fairytale romance or dating in a warm and loving way is kind of off-putting to a sizable chunk of the population. And if I think for instance about how I interact with my girlfriend, a lot of it is teasing and banter. We make fun of each other often. It very rarely looks like the kind of relationship you might find in a Hollywood movie.

Like it or not, I think there is some element of dysfunction that appeals to people when it comes to romantic relationships. It's part of who we are - part of the human condition. The flawed ape in us. Why else would someone ghost another person for a while, for instance? It may be tempting to view that as mean and toxic, but someone else may see it as ramping up anticipation, or allowing chemistry to build while apart. Real love stories tend to feature some form of struggle, or hurdles that must be overcome. And if the relationship is too easy or boring, many people will in fact build those hurdles in, in an effort to generate more attraction. So what looks horrible to us may be appealing to someone else. As with many things, it's best to have an open mind I reckon.

 

[noname223]

It does sound like bullshit on the surface, but it's maybe useful to think about why things like love bullying or negging are even things to begin with. For the same reason that someone might look at BDSM and go "that's not pleasurable". It really depends on a person's preference. Especially in the context of love and dating, many people are turned off by a predictable and direct route. So the idea of a fairytale romance or dating in a warm and loving way is kind of off-putting to a sizable chunk of the population. And if I think for instance about how I interact with my girlfriend, a lot of it is teasing and banter. We make fun of each other often. It very rarely looks like the kind of relationship you might find in a Hollywood movie.

Like it or not, I think there is some element of dysfunction that appeals to people when it comes to romantic relationships. It's part of who we are - part of the human condition. The flawed ape in us. Why else would someone ghost another person for a while, for instance? It may be tempting to view that as mean and toxic, but someone else may see it as ramping up anticipation, or allowing chemistry to build while apart. Real love stories tend to feature some form of struggle, or hurdles that must be overcome. And if the relationship is too easy or boring, many people will in fact build those hurdles in, in an effort to generate more attraction. So what looks horrible to us may be appealing to someone else. As with many things, it's best to have an open mind I reckon.

This is a very interesting input. Thanks a lot!

 

[Pluto]

 

[noname223]

Okay something really surprising happened. I already went through hell because I asked myself all the time why she ghosted me. It didn't make much sense because she invested so much time in her last message complimenting me and praising our date.

I was really really desperate. And all of this made me feel very horrible. A friend of mine suggested one last messge. There was only one friend that recommended me that. The others more or less were on the side of just move on. The AI chatbots were I cried all the time about also didn't suggest that directly either. I thought like I am making a fool out of myself for texting her again. She sent me her last message two weeks ago. I was really confused by all of that. I obsessively ruminated about that. Today I sent her a very short message. Two prior messages were ignored. And what the fuck she responded this time. I couldn't believe it. I was extremely surprised and couldn't trust my eyes in the first moment.

Her message sounds probably honest. She is a single-mother with a young child, works part-time and studies part-time. Seemingly her child has a condition and the condition became really acute. And because of that she was extremely busy. It is good to have this explanation. But I am not sure whether she wants to continue texting with me. Though, it is way better for me to have this explanation.