wiIIow
Arcanist
- Sep 22, 2018
- 458
nothing like reliving the most awful period of time in your life, being controlled by an obsessive manipulative fucking sociopath. and then when you finally get sense knocked into you by an outside source and you finally get away, you can't even be happy about it because those you loved were turned against you anyway. walking around, wondering about and knowing about lies other people hold about you, tainted images of you that they see when you walk by. You made me feel like a virus, like I would poison everything I touched. You were so good at slowly, subtly, planting ideas and opinions and fears and false memories into my head. Isolating me over time so that I was your only source of support, information, and ultimately, absolute control. You got to know my identity so well so that you could take it away from me. Piece by piece.
Sometimes I think that maybe I've won. That after all this time, I've finally taken over the real estate of my brain, and that you're no longer in there. I changed my number, I stopped taking long walks at night, I changed my internet identity, so that you could no longer plant reminders of your existence, and intentionally drag out my suffering in what you view as payback. But you'd be pleased to know, you've won. I don't know how to get rid of you. You're so deeply embedded in my psyche that I still sometimes fall back into that mind state, and it's like I'm back to the beginning, reliving every horrible moment, every bit of mental torture that you put me through while fully convincing me that it was my fault. That I was losing touch with reality, and that I was the one manipulating and using people.
It's really difficult to explain to anybody, the measures you'd take to keep me under control; the insidiousness of your actions, the subtle shit you'd do to keep me on edge or make me question my perception of reality. It was done in a way that is intentionally undetectable to anyone but me. Your obsession with me cost me my feeling of security and safety. Even nowadays, I'm afraid to walk alone at night, I always triple check that my doors are locked, Im always looking over my shoulder. Even thinking back of your ability to recall forum posts that I had written years ago to use against me in real time, sends shivers through my body. I'm even afraid to reignite my art career, because I know you'd recognize my style and the thought of you having a way to watch me, to track me, it fills me with dread and makes me feel ill.
It's been years and you're still in control, and I know just how satisfied you'd be to know that.
Sometimes I think that maybe I've won. That after all this time, I've finally taken over the real estate of my brain, and that you're no longer in there. I changed my number, I stopped taking long walks at night, I changed my internet identity, so that you could no longer plant reminders of your existence, and intentionally drag out my suffering in what you view as payback. But you'd be pleased to know, you've won. I don't know how to get rid of you. You're so deeply embedded in my psyche that I still sometimes fall back into that mind state, and it's like I'm back to the beginning, reliving every horrible moment, every bit of mental torture that you put me through while fully convincing me that it was my fault. That I was losing touch with reality, and that I was the one manipulating and using people.
It's really difficult to explain to anybody, the measures you'd take to keep me under control; the insidiousness of your actions, the subtle shit you'd do to keep me on edge or make me question my perception of reality. It was done in a way that is intentionally undetectable to anyone but me. Your obsession with me cost me my feeling of security and safety. Even nowadays, I'm afraid to walk alone at night, I always triple check that my doors are locked, Im always looking over my shoulder. Even thinking back of your ability to recall forum posts that I had written years ago to use against me in real time, sends shivers through my body. I'm even afraid to reignite my art career, because I know you'd recognize my style and the thought of you having a way to watch me, to track me, it fills me with dread and makes me feel ill.
It's been years and you're still in control, and I know just how satisfied you'd be to know that.
