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wait i'm goated
- Feb 12, 2023
- 358
someone who has spent their entire life alone should expect to remain alone for the remainder of their existence. i've learned that recently. there's no point in even trying, everything about you will be off no matter what and everyone will notice.
i practiced behaving like a normal person, i studied it and i do well now. i'm good at interacting with people, especially irl. social interaction was an issue, now it's not. still, everything is the same. everyone still leaves, my mere existence still drives people away.
the main response i receive when i vent about these frustrations is, "people lose friends all the time, no one remains friends with the same people for their entire life". i just don't think that pertains to my situation and i don't think a lot of people understand the situation i'm in. i can't properly express my thoughts, so that's no one's fault except my own.
the people who say those things are in such a drastically different situation than i am. "i'm not friends with the people the same people i knew in high school" ... but you had friends in high school. you had that experience during those vital years. the last time i had any irl friends was in elementary school. even then, i barely saw them because i was never at school, i wasn't really allowed to go outside that much, and i definitely wasn't allowed to see them outside of school (with maybe two exceptions that i can think of).
i haven't had an irl friends since then because i started homeschooling after 6th grade. i started uni, i still didn't have friends. i had classmates who interacted with me for assignments, to exchange notes, or engage in small talk whenever we ran into each other outside of class—that's it. my attempts to keep contact never really worked out. i meet new people all of the time at my job, but none of them really care that much. there are a few people who talk to me somewhat consistently, but they'll immediately ditch me if they have someone else to talk to. i don't think they're close to the other coworkers either, but that's besides the point.
moving on to online friendships. the rest of my friendships have been online, they've all ended. i had an online friend group when i was really young, it ended horribly. it was stupid, we were all mentally ill children. i see no reason to dwell on it. after that, i was completely isolated for a long time. i started talking to this girl who eventually started being very emotionally abusive towards me. i think that was my longest lasting friendship. i only remained friends with her because i was lonely and had no one else (which she knew). there were times where she would cut me off for very long periods of time and i had to be completely isolated again, sometimes for multiple months. we eventually drifted apart because i found good friends and she found better things to do.
as for the most recent friendships i had, i feel like i've yapped about those enough. they're all gone, that's all.
i think i have more examples and lore, but i just wanted to touch on some of the key points.
most of the people who try to help me with this just don't seem to get it.
having friends seems to be the prerequisite for making meaningful connections with others, especially irl. i don't have a leg to stand on there, there's nothing for me to work with. i've never really met someone who made actual friends when starting with no friends at all.
people usually tell me to reach out and learn to be "more social" when neither of those things are my problem. every single friendship mentioned in this post was initiated by me. i've reached out in games and on different forums and communities. it's useless. i'm so tired of being told to put in the effort when that's all i've done all my life, and i only ever get hurt in the end.
i still reach out to people online, it never goes anywhere. i still try to be friendly with my coworkers and strike up conversations with new people—everything remains the same. it's just me. not a single person in my life has ever considered me worth keeping around, and that will never change because i'll never be worth keeping around. i don't provide anything, even when i try my best and there will always be someone more valuable than me.
i really have no reason to live. i can't say that i was necessarily living for others. i've always found that pretty stupid; but isolation has completely killed any joy i had. i don't enjoy anything anymore because of my loneliness. stop telling me to find a hobby and learn to be comfortable by myself when neither of those things are the issue. nothing is good anymore. everything i do just brings these feelings up and i can't distract myself. i'm okay with being alone, but not completely isolated. there's such a big difference. this is suffocating and i can't live this way. i have to die because of this, nothing will change.
i practiced behaving like a normal person, i studied it and i do well now. i'm good at interacting with people, especially irl. social interaction was an issue, now it's not. still, everything is the same. everyone still leaves, my mere existence still drives people away.
the main response i receive when i vent about these frustrations is, "people lose friends all the time, no one remains friends with the same people for their entire life". i just don't think that pertains to my situation and i don't think a lot of people understand the situation i'm in. i can't properly express my thoughts, so that's no one's fault except my own.
the people who say those things are in such a drastically different situation than i am. "i'm not friends with the people the same people i knew in high school" ... but you had friends in high school. you had that experience during those vital years. the last time i had any irl friends was in elementary school. even then, i barely saw them because i was never at school, i wasn't really allowed to go outside that much, and i definitely wasn't allowed to see them outside of school (with maybe two exceptions that i can think of).
i haven't had an irl friends since then because i started homeschooling after 6th grade. i started uni, i still didn't have friends. i had classmates who interacted with me for assignments, to exchange notes, or engage in small talk whenever we ran into each other outside of class—that's it. my attempts to keep contact never really worked out. i meet new people all of the time at my job, but none of them really care that much. there are a few people who talk to me somewhat consistently, but they'll immediately ditch me if they have someone else to talk to. i don't think they're close to the other coworkers either, but that's besides the point.
moving on to online friendships. the rest of my friendships have been online, they've all ended. i had an online friend group when i was really young, it ended horribly. it was stupid, we were all mentally ill children. i see no reason to dwell on it. after that, i was completely isolated for a long time. i started talking to this girl who eventually started being very emotionally abusive towards me. i think that was my longest lasting friendship. i only remained friends with her because i was lonely and had no one else (which she knew). there were times where she would cut me off for very long periods of time and i had to be completely isolated again, sometimes for multiple months. we eventually drifted apart because i found good friends and she found better things to do.
as for the most recent friendships i had, i feel like i've yapped about those enough. they're all gone, that's all.
i think i have more examples and lore, but i just wanted to touch on some of the key points.
most of the people who try to help me with this just don't seem to get it.
having friends seems to be the prerequisite for making meaningful connections with others, especially irl. i don't have a leg to stand on there, there's nothing for me to work with. i've never really met someone who made actual friends when starting with no friends at all.
people usually tell me to reach out and learn to be "more social" when neither of those things are my problem. every single friendship mentioned in this post was initiated by me. i've reached out in games and on different forums and communities. it's useless. i'm so tired of being told to put in the effort when that's all i've done all my life, and i only ever get hurt in the end.
i still reach out to people online, it never goes anywhere. i still try to be friendly with my coworkers and strike up conversations with new people—everything remains the same. it's just me. not a single person in my life has ever considered me worth keeping around, and that will never change because i'll never be worth keeping around. i don't provide anything, even when i try my best and there will always be someone more valuable than me.
i really have no reason to live. i can't say that i was necessarily living for others. i've always found that pretty stupid; but isolation has completely killed any joy i had. i don't enjoy anything anymore because of my loneliness. stop telling me to find a hobby and learn to be comfortable by myself when neither of those things are the issue. nothing is good anymore. everything i do just brings these feelings up and i can't distract myself. i'm okay with being alone, but not completely isolated. there's such a big difference. this is suffocating and i can't live this way. i have to die because of this, nothing will change.
