Ceterum
Member
- Aug 10, 2022
- 88
cant leave my dad alone here, so for now the gates are closed most likely. So maybe I can use the time for some recovery - if it doesnt work, the exit door will still be there.
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If you haven't yet, we highly encourage you to check out our Recovery Resources thread!
NotRocketScience
Member
- Apr 21, 2023
- 10
Hope that things may get better. Also, I don't wanna fail and be in a worse position than before.
MidnightDream
Warlock
- Sep 5, 2022
- 735
My family, fear, and a potentially naive hope likely driven by that same fear, that things will one day perhaps improve
sosotired
Temporary being
- Apr 9, 2023
- 17
My family's the only reason why I haven't. But it's becoming less and less of a reason as the darkness comes closing in.
Chocoholic
Member
- Apr 22, 2023
- 15
MildlyBetter
🙂
- Apr 17, 2023
- 57
cactusflower
here but not here
- Apr 19, 2023
- 58
nozomu
Global Mod // will i wiN my recovery arc
- Nov 28, 2022
- 1,093
Iseeblue_711
Member
- Oct 4, 2020
- 26
My boyfriend, mostly
Although I sometimes feel like no one would care anyway, including him, if I died but it might just be in my head
Although I sometimes feel like no one would care anyway, including him, if I died but it might just be in my head
Chunchi
Member
- Apr 9, 2023
- 20
Still like training and improving my body and making some of my friends happier with my existance
Ambivalent1
🎵 Be all, end all 🎵
- Apr 17, 2023
- 3,279
I'm not middle aged yet. Life isn't worth living after that point. Once I look in the mirror and see a significantly worse version of myself is the day it's over for sure.
Zetsubou
Friend of Despair
- Mar 16, 2023
- 65
My brother already CTB, having seen the aftermath, there is no way I could put my mother through that again. I'm just waiting until she dies, not that I want her to, waiting is worth having her here.
unplug
Vapor Self
- Apr 11, 2023
- 107
I can't say for others because we all have different copes but I've got zero reason to stay, all I gotta do is remember I'm me.
laas
pills against pain
- Apr 26, 2023
- 36
AnonAdult
Maybe I’m A Lost Girl.
- Apr 26, 2023
- 8
I'm scared of death too…Since I'm not religious, it's sort of scary to know if there's "life after death".
NoLightRemains
I found my light again. Namu Amida Butsu
- Sep 26, 2021
- 374
I'm still too scared to die. I got the closest I've been to CTB this week, but as I counted the days down my mind started searching for any reason to not end it now.
I guess the real hope I have for recovery is that my chronic health condition will continue to show improvement and I learn to enjoy life again. If things don't improve, I can always explore CTB later. My suffering isn't enough to cause an immediate need to die just yet I suppose.
I guess the real hope I have for recovery is that my chronic health condition will continue to show improvement and I learn to enjoy life again. If things don't improve, I can always explore CTB later. My suffering isn't enough to cause an immediate need to die just yet I suppose.
SleepingLessons
Always sleepy
- Apr 29, 2023
- 56
My parents. They're both neurodivergent and kinda unstable themselves, and I'm worried that if I CTB my dad will kill himself slowly with alcohol. I know it would destroy my mum too, we're best friends. But I feel resentful that I have to stick around for maybe 30-40 more years suffering just so they don't. I don't know if my love for them will always be strong enough to keep me from CTB.
iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 138
im scared there won't be anything afterwards
and I'd like to do something meaningful before going
and I'd like to do something meaningful before going
Myers
I just want a hug please.
- Apr 15, 2023
- 29
I haven't CTB in hopes I might find someone who I can live out the rest of my life with and relive the childhood I never had. In hopes that I can find someone to fill in that void of just loneliness. In hopes that I can find someone who understands me for me.In hopes that one day I could have someone to hug for as long as I want.
StolenLife
Warlock
- Sep 19, 2022
- 740
My family, I need five ish more years to finish Uni and then I will ctb. Also I've never had a crush on a real person(only on fictional characters) and I would want to experience what that feels like.
EmpathyMinded
Student
- May 1, 2023
- 144
I hope that works out for you. Just know you're valuable regardless.
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EmpathyMinded
Student
- May 1, 2023
- 144
This is a layered thing for me.
So generally up to now, a few different reasons. One is my cat. I'm her entire world, there is no doubt of how scared and depressed she would be. I can't choose how others have treated me that have made me scared and depressed in the past, but I can choose to not let that happen to her. Maybe she isn't self-aware in the sense a human is, but her love is real and I value that. Putting aside concern for the after, there is the now to consider: every day she is waiting for me to get home and happy when I arrive. She makes clear with her affection how happy she is I am around. In short, she values my life. My struggles with ideation have centered around thinking my life doesn't matter at all, or not enough to one person at least. But she clearly value mine, and so makes me being alive something that is valued by another living thing. It may be small, and nobody will remember what we shared between us when we are both gone, but it is precious to me nonetheless. And besides, a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts forever. It is beautiful because it could ever happen.
A completely different side to my reasons has been anger and resentment at the world that has made my life miserable. Sure, I always start off feeling that low in a place of depression, but eventually that shifts to an anger, and then to a defiance. Why should I have to go, when other people are the ones who treated me poorly while I did my best and tried to show kindness? Why do they deserve to keep life to themselves? And especially if they in some way wanted me gone, why make the people who wanted me that way happy? I hit that point where I say NO, you DON'T get that satisfaction. I'll fight this just to spite you. I've thought about this carefully, and it isn't as simple as SI. This is something I feel deeply. And at times, I've been on the verge of doing it anyway. But there is a defiance in my spirit that refuses to die. Make of that what you will.
I said up to now those have been my reasons, because recently I have had a turn of fortune in my life circumstances with a new job, which is helping me to take care of things I haven't been able to in a long time. So that has improved my mood considerably.
I'm no idiot, that isn't the end of pain. Eventually, terrible things will happen again. Then, something great again. Life is funny like that. It's like a beach. Sometimes the waves pound the shore and you don't want to be anywhere near it. But sometimes, the wind is calm and the waves gently lap at your toes. I try to remember that feeling is possible again, even if I can't see the path at the moment.
I've actually joined here after that recent stroke of better luck. Because I may be doing a bit better, but not everyone is and everyone deserves someone to listen. I hope that I can somehow be that, be the kind of person I wish I had to talk to before when I've been depressed and thought about CTB because nobody was there for me. And in this way, I hope to make this yet another, new reason to stay: to give people comfort that need it - if they want that of course - that I can't give if I'm not here. I don't know how valuable I can manage to be, but the thought of making people feel less lonely and more seen makes me smile more genuinely than most things in life can. That seems worth exploring to me.
So generally up to now, a few different reasons. One is my cat. I'm her entire world, there is no doubt of how scared and depressed she would be. I can't choose how others have treated me that have made me scared and depressed in the past, but I can choose to not let that happen to her. Maybe she isn't self-aware in the sense a human is, but her love is real and I value that. Putting aside concern for the after, there is the now to consider: every day she is waiting for me to get home and happy when I arrive. She makes clear with her affection how happy she is I am around. In short, she values my life. My struggles with ideation have centered around thinking my life doesn't matter at all, or not enough to one person at least. But she clearly value mine, and so makes me being alive something that is valued by another living thing. It may be small, and nobody will remember what we shared between us when we are both gone, but it is precious to me nonetheless. And besides, a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts forever. It is beautiful because it could ever happen.
A completely different side to my reasons has been anger and resentment at the world that has made my life miserable. Sure, I always start off feeling that low in a place of depression, but eventually that shifts to an anger, and then to a defiance. Why should I have to go, when other people are the ones who treated me poorly while I did my best and tried to show kindness? Why do they deserve to keep life to themselves? And especially if they in some way wanted me gone, why make the people who wanted me that way happy? I hit that point where I say NO, you DON'T get that satisfaction. I'll fight this just to spite you. I've thought about this carefully, and it isn't as simple as SI. This is something I feel deeply. And at times, I've been on the verge of doing it anyway. But there is a defiance in my spirit that refuses to die. Make of that what you will.
I said up to now those have been my reasons, because recently I have had a turn of fortune in my life circumstances with a new job, which is helping me to take care of things I haven't been able to in a long time. So that has improved my mood considerably.
I'm no idiot, that isn't the end of pain. Eventually, terrible things will happen again. Then, something great again. Life is funny like that. It's like a beach. Sometimes the waves pound the shore and you don't want to be anywhere near it. But sometimes, the wind is calm and the waves gently lap at your toes. I try to remember that feeling is possible again, even if I can't see the path at the moment.
I've actually joined here after that recent stroke of better luck. Because I may be doing a bit better, but not everyone is and everyone deserves someone to listen. I hope that I can somehow be that, be the kind of person I wish I had to talk to before when I've been depressed and thought about CTB because nobody was there for me. And in this way, I hope to make this yet another, new reason to stay: to give people comfort that need it - if they want that of course - that I can't give if I'm not here. I don't know how valuable I can manage to be, but the thought of making people feel less lonely and more seen makes me smile more genuinely than most things in life can. That seems worth exploring to me.
Pollenallergy
Sprite
- Apr 29, 2023
- 25
Theres a friend of mine I hold very dear, he has been with me through some of the toughest times. When we were both younger he helped get me out of an abusive household, did what I couldn't and contacted cps. Altough I wasn't happy about it at the time, I am thankful he looked out for me now. I couldn't possibly do this to him, I don't want to make his life any more difficult than it is. Yet I still can't fathom living much longer. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep living for someone else.
phantomime
Student
- Feb 9, 2023
- 113
Very silly but just Mori. When she posts her schedules I'm always like "great, another week to live and be with her". When she takes breaks it's really devastating for me. I like it that she gets to rest and do her things but it's very heavy on me. I don't have anything to look forward to and she's mostly gone. It's scary.
Space Outlaw Bunny
autistic magical girl gender neutral
- Apr 29, 2023
- 270
I guess at that moment there is fear and a strange satisfaction from my pain, as if I'm my own bully. Maybe the desire to recover, despite the wish to cease my existence. Certainly my mom, who is my only close family to me and is still the only one who cares about me. I can't leave her with my abusive "sperm donor", who is a stupid, manipulative, loud, ignoring piece of shit. I know he would blame her even if he never did to help and understand me. Almost daily phone calls, visits with me to a psychiatrist in another city and diagnostic center when I was a minor, reading scientific articles about autism, simply spending time with me? Only from her. I can't do that to her.
I had a friend once, but he died last June of cancer. We knew each other most of our lives, despite going to different schools. He was my only real friend. Despite being suicidal since I was about 10 years old, he was another person I still lived for. When he died I still couldn't do it. Not because he would have wanted me to stay alive, but because I just can't do it. Maybe I'm just a parasite attaching myself to other people to survive. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe instead of killing myself, I want to not exist. I don't know.
I had a friend once, but he died last June of cancer. We knew each other most of our lives, despite going to different schools. He was my only real friend. Despite being suicidal since I was about 10 years old, he was another person I still lived for. When he died I still couldn't do it. Not because he would have wanted me to stay alive, but because I just can't do it. Maybe I'm just a parasite attaching myself to other people to survive. Maybe I'm a coward. Maybe instead of killing myself, I want to not exist. I don't know.
Earlier this year I was certain that I was going to kill myself, but there was something tiny bothering me that made me wonder if this was the right thing to do.
I've heard a lot of people say that I just need to give it time, and it'll get better. So I told myself that I was going to wait exactly a year, and if it wasn't better, I had given myself a chance. I'm forcing myself to wait, and that's what is preventing me from killing myself.
I've heard a lot of people say that I just need to give it time, and it'll get better. So I told myself that I was going to wait exactly a year, and if it wasn't better, I had given myself a chance. I'm forcing myself to wait, and that's what is preventing me from killing myself.
PAfb_640
Budak Bunuh Diri
- Feb 22, 2023
- 39
I have a crush on someone. I usually have a crush on my female "friends" - by friends I mean we talked once. These crushes are always like an "anchor". Sure it holds me to life but it's still an anchor. I just use her in my imagination, imagining a happy future and what not. I know it's not healthy but the alternative is hopelessness.
