Yo-yo

[groucho]

My mood is so bad right now, struggling to take the mental whiplash of going from feeling okay to abyss like despair, it's totally exhausting.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It must be exhausting. I'm sorry. Vent here if it helps... Are these mood fluctuations in response to things in particular or do they happen regardless of what's going on?

 

[groucho]

Thanks forever sleep, it is helpful to vent here, don't have anywhere else I feel comfortable talking about this.

At the moment I've got a lot of at work with a very expensive (in the millions) project that is potentially delayed for a second time and is having a lot of issues, I feel to blame for a lot of it as I've not been able to meet certain vital deadlines and I'm struggling with some of the more technical aspects of it which have stretched my previous experience quite a bit. We've had a round of redundancies earlier in the year and my project was/is seen to be something that will get the company back on track so any more delays or errors could cost a lot of people their jobs. My workplace is generally a nice place to work but poorly run, my boss is a good guy but the next level up I don't trust.

On top of that I've got to make a decision about staying with my partner as we need to get her a visa and have kids soon due to circumstances and her age (late thirties). I'm not sure I'm good for her and although we have spoken about children and part of me would love to be a father the state of the climate, politics and my deteriorating mental health make me think I shouldn't have children, particularly if I am likely to CTB in the next few years.

If I lost my job or we broke up I would almost certainly CTB within a year, after I fixed my house up and cleared out my stuff so my family could sell my house. At least leave them something they could do good with.

I don't want to CTB as a kneejerk to stress but it's difficult to fight at the moment. I've planned a lot of it but would rather have things fairly settled to reduce the load on my family as my death will be difficult on them.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really does sound so tiring what you are going through, it must be dreadful having to suffer like that. But anyway best wishes.