Wrote my suicide note

[anhedonicNfoggy]

Even though I feel so lonely/unaccepted and thoughts just keep running thru my head of what people say to me, I'm trying to just make the note as polite and positive as possible.

I'm choosing SN bc much less traumatic for people who find me.

I'm kinda worried about asking my doctor for an antiemtics bc I'm bad at lying. Idk there's no way I can do it now even if I purchase SN unmonitored somehow bc my dad has security cameras all over the house. He knows when packages show up at doorstep

I'm going back to dorms so not much I can do then. I guess I have to wait until I'm an adult with my own apartment.

I wanna be gone. I'm sick of being worthless and looked down on

This is the only way and the rational way to escape this. Nothing changes and never will.

 

[Unwr!tten]

Are you not an adult?

 

[nadia225]

Even though I feel so lonely/unaccepted and thoughts just keep running thru my head of what people say to me, I'm trying to just make the note as polite and positive as possible.

I'm choosing SN bc much less traumatic for people who find me.

I'm kinda worried about asking my doctor for an antiemtics bc I'm bad at lying. Idk there's no way I can do it now even if I purchase SN unmonitored somehow bc my dad has security cameras all over the house. He knows when packages show up at doorstep

I'm going back to dorms so not much I can do then. I guess I have to wait until I'm an adult with my own apartment.

I wanna be gone. I'm sick of being worthless and looked down on

This is the only way and the rational way to escape this. Nothing changes and never will.

Can you not just grab the package and say you ordered something personal for you…they check every package and interrogate you or something?

 

[anhedonicNfoggy]

Are you not an adult?

I realized after posting I said it wrong. I am an adult technically. I am 20. But I guess for me, what makes me feel I have adult status is if I have a job and just self sufficient. I'm still in college

Can you not just grab the package and say you ordered something personal for you…they check every package and interrogate you or something?

I'm pretty sure he'll interrogate me. Ok I wasn't thinking straight when I wrote the post. So basically I do have a credit card and my dad checks the purchases. Also anything I buy on Amazon, it needs approval from my dad to pass thru. I guess what I was trying to say in the post is that there are added measures (the security cameras) for why it's really hard to buy SN atm

idk maybe what I've said is stupid bc I don't have the materials yet. But I just feel like by writing the note, I am committing to this instead of getting too scared and taking the easy way out and cycling again

I also was feeling certain before that maybe if I focus on getting a shotgun later and be able to drive/have my own car, I can succeed and don't need to do other methods before bc if I fail those then I would be federally banned from getting a gun. But the thing is shotguns are all so long-barreled and I'm short so I don't feel the angle will come out well. I don't want to turn into vegetable.

Idk maybe all of this sounds stupid to u all. Idk I'm thinking of what I can best case capable of doing

 

[FuneralCry]

To me it's certainly understandable just wishing to be free from this existence as I get that it really can be so tiring and dreadful feeling trapped here, I wish that it's easier to leave, I see it as being so cruel how people cannot even plan to die in peace without other people potentially interfering as it isn't like any of us are obligated to continue existing anyway. But I wish you the best.