princeseadove
wannabe angel
- Mar 4, 2025
- 72
It's writers block, but I saw a nice poem calling it guilt and that's exactly what it is to me. I wanted to creat something, something to prove myself to myself… but with no one around to support me I just falter. I'm completely alone now. Usually I would nag a friend or two because I can't stand being on my own, but one of them ghosted me for so long thag I just feel detached. I feel like a sitting duck. Waiting and waiting for the opportunity so I can die. It'll come so soon. The summer I'll be moving away on my own, and that's when I'll die. For 6 years I have dreamed of that place, wanting to go back there being free from my father as it was before. For 6 years I prayed and prayed that I'll get out of this hell and all of its annoyances and I'll get help and therapy and friends and be happy. But now I realize, even if I go back there and live out my dream.. it won't be possible for me to be happy. I'm so fundamentally broken that I just can't. 6 years spent being abused and trying just broke me. Even if I see that place again, I just know everything that I tried to leave will escape with me.
I think of my childhood self these days. Whenever somebody tells you not to commit suicide, sometimes theyll point to your childhood self. Would you be willing to kill that child? To end your life is to end theirs. Are you willing to do that? At first I wasn't, but now I see it. She just wants to collect things for her dollhouse and play. She wants to write up stories for her MLP characters and watch music videos all day. But She's so sad. She's so tired. She doesn't want to be called a she-devil or mean or a trouble child anymore. She doesn't want to be hit anymore, she doesn't want to cower in the corner in the bed anymore. She doesn't want to be the only one left alone in field trips anymore. Such a sad sad tired girl. And I can't fufill her wish to be happy. So I'll give her rest, and a good nights sleep.
She always wanted to write and create, but even now I can't fulfill that promise. I feel so guilty. But depression has weighed down on me so much, and that loneliness is even heavier. Nobody has ever recgonized that girl for her efforts, and not mine either. And nobody ever will. I'll hug her tonight, soon she'll finally be able to see her dollhouse again. It won't be long, I promise. I'm sorry. I hope before than I get back that strength, just for you.
I think of my childhood self these days. Whenever somebody tells you not to commit suicide, sometimes theyll point to your childhood self. Would you be willing to kill that child? To end your life is to end theirs. Are you willing to do that? At first I wasn't, but now I see it. She just wants to collect things for her dollhouse and play. She wants to write up stories for her MLP characters and watch music videos all day. But She's so sad. She's so tired. She doesn't want to be called a she-devil or mean or a trouble child anymore. She doesn't want to be hit anymore, she doesn't want to cower in the corner in the bed anymore. She doesn't want to be the only one left alone in field trips anymore. Such a sad sad tired girl. And I can't fufill her wish to be happy. So I'll give her rest, and a good nights sleep.
She always wanted to write and create, but even now I can't fulfill that promise. I feel so guilty. But depression has weighed down on me so much, and that loneliness is even heavier. Nobody has ever recgonized that girl for her efforts, and not mine either. And nobody ever will. I'll hug her tonight, soon she'll finally be able to see her dollhouse again. It won't be long, I promise. I'm sorry. I hope before than I get back that strength, just for you.
