Quite honestly, I envy you. I wish I had no one. Ctb would be a lot easier and less complicated that way. But I do have people in my life that love and care for me immensely. How do I make them understand that I just can't anymore??
Thank you for your comment! All of those things you've mentioned are things I worry about. Not to mention the effects my death could have on her. She gets moments of strong anxiety and has been depressed for a long time. She's been through a lot in her life. And I worry that my death will cause her some anguish. Of course it's probably my vanity talking and I'm probably exaggerating my importance to this person. But she does worry quite easily and gets emotionally affected. Fact is her and my parents are who I think about the most when it comes to the pain I'm leaving behind. But I no longer feel like I have to live for them cause I'm just too tired to keep this up. While I do appreciate that there are people in my life who care about me I do sometimes feel like I'd be better off without anyone. It'd make this whole thing much easier.
That's what I was thinking. It might be better to leave them wondering than to give them an answer that's more pain than it'll ever be worth.
I always wish it. I mean for most people who have kids it's just something they do without really going deep into thought about what it could mean. I mean they think about it I'm sure but not to the degree that would cover potential life threatening physical/psychological/philosophical problems. I suppose though most people don't normally get this suicidal before they have kids so those aren't really their biggest concerns. Or if they do it doesn't last long enough for it to make them think the first problem with life is being around to experience it in the first place. I don't know it's all just speculation. We'll have to ask the people here with kids what was going on before, during and after they had them.
Not so much but that looks good! We're officially friends!! Now I'm worried about whether or not to tell you when I ctb lol
I'm so sorry you're in that situation. God this hits hard. I also wish I could stay for them but it's becoming unbearable. She knows I've had feelings of depression and suicide too but I haven't brought those up in a long time cause I don't want to hurt her. I don't know if she'll think I did it even if I just disappear. It looks like whatever I do I'm just gonna hurt her. But I'm trying to figure out which hurts less.
That'd be a good idea. Only thing is i can't trust the people I leave behind to care enough about that. Especially given I wouldn't be around to enforce the request. But I think it would hurt less than if I let her know that I'm offing myself.
Well I'm still trying to figure it out but I'll keep you posted. It's really hard cause there's no one I can talk to about this in my life who could just mention that I died without mentioning that I killed myself. I don't want my friend to feel abandoned.
I would say goodbye if I were you. I'm in a similar situation. My best friend is someone I met online. We never met in person. Before I kill myself, I will send him a message telling him how much our friendship meant to me and how much I care about him.
I'm not sure. See there's something I neglected to mention. I had another friend who just went silent on me a few months ago. Now my mind goes racing back and forth over whether she's dead or she just went silent on me (of which, despite being irreligious, I constantly pray the latter to be true). And while it's painful I'm not sure I'd be as okay as I am today if I knew for sure she has taken her life. Cause you see months prior she said goodbye to me in a series of little messages saying she's swallowed pills. My heart sank and it felt like I wasn't in real life. I felt weak all over until she contacted saying she vomited. Given that brief experience of panic and despair I'm not sure it's less cruel to tell the person you're ctb versus leaving them to wonder. It's all just a mess.
