Vent thread

[milknife02]

I'm not going to ctb for a few more months now but I've seen other people do these. I'm not venting as much as I'm explaining but I feel like this is the only place where someone might fully comprehend what I'm saying. I was happy as a small child with my grandparents but something happened, I don't know. I can't remember. My mostly absent mother was a drug addict. My father wasn't there. I wad predispositioned to mental illness. Maybe that's all it took. I was exposed to p*** as a child, around seven. No abuse. Just no supervison. I was addicted to that as a young girl. I didn't understand how detrimental that was. I only understood it was wrong. Maybe its all a coincidence but around that time I suddenly lost all social skills. It was like I simply wasn't developing mentally. I didn't have friends. I didn't have anything. I wanted to ctb for the first time at around 11 or 13. I've been voluntarily hospitalized four times, it never did anything. The p*** addiction ruined any view I had of relationships. I didn't understand how s** and love had anything to do with each other, I still don't at 21. Because of that I let a younger boy use me very violently because for some reason, that felt more right than any idea of someone actually loving me. I was bullied so bad I ended up becoming homeschooled. I've delt with crippling body dysmorphia, severe depression, paranoia (not anxiety, real paranoia) CPSTD and now hallucinogen induced psychosis. There have been many other traumas, like when I was 18 I was forced to watch my mother nearly end herself with hard drugs for a month. She attacked me. She doesn't remember. I got clinical K treatment. It was supposed to be a breakthrough for my depression, it did nothing. I've had so many doctors and therapists and medication since I was around 7. It all did nothing. My biological father, when I met him, told me that he would get over it if I ctb. I never got over him saying that. I havent gone to therapy fot years because it was so painful. Making me relieve all my trauma for...nothing. No 'coping mechanisms' ever helped. My teachers publically humiliated me. But my hands aren't clean. I've done unspeakable things. I've horrified people, I'm purely disgusting, I'm done things I cannot undo.
When I got the bag of mushrooms, it was intended to heal me. I heard so many success stories of people recovering from even worse things. Instead it showed me darkness I didn't know existed. I'm more haunted than I ever was. I think I'm developing some form of psychosis. I cannot even begin to describe it, I relive a bad trip on a near daily basis and I didn't even do that much! I was only trying to make myself better. If I knew it'd be like this, I would have never gone near it. But God I can't live like this. I do not want to live at all. I stay alive for now to repay a debt to a family member but once thats done...I hope my family will some day recover.