Would it be better for my family if I just disappeared?

[myrtaryniel]

I know how fucking terrible my mom and friends would feel if I ctb. But I can't keep staying alive purely out of guilt. I want a way out.

So I was thinking about disappearing, going to a distant location and killing myself there. Probably throwing myself to a river or sea, and if they find me, they could always rule it out as if I had ran away and accidentally drowned I guess.

If they never find me, do you think it will be better or worse for them? Maybe they could hold on to hope, if they knew right away I ctb they would be devastated.

 

[Rose]

Nobody can say for sure. It's a very subjective thing.

Obviously I don't know your situation or anybody related to it, but personally I'd prefer knowing for sure what happened as I'd be constantly thinking about what could have happened/ be happening otherwise, which would fill me with intense anxiety. Can't say this is the case for everyone or even most people, though.

I guess you have to weigh the value of ambiguity against the detrimental effects of the knowledge it was ctb.

Could they keep hope going for the rest of their lives (or at least until they have no need of it), or would the possibilities haunt them & be a detriment to their mental health?
Even if knowing you ctbed from the start would be devastating in the moment, could it help them attain a higher level of closure & acceptance of what's happened over time?

It's going to be tough on people either way. There's no clear answers I can give, sadly.

 

[HGL91]

I'd prefer to know a loved one CTBed than not know what happened, though both would be awful.