Karrikin
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- Nov 3, 2024
- 85
I want to CTB so badly somedays, almost feels like I'm playing cat and mouse with the idea of it. But, my dad is someone who I couldn't bear seeing that devastated. Technically I wouldn't be around to face those horrendous feelings but that's nothing except cowardly on my part. It feels like an unbreakable anchor. He's so proud of me for being the first person in our entire bloodline -- essentially -- to go to college, back in our home country he sometimes tells others excitedly about me and it just breaks me to think that I will take away that from him. For what will he do with that phone call? To hear that I was found in some lurid scene with a shotgun blast to the brain. His options would be to never see me again, or to witness the most mangled and twisted form of his own son whom he placed a lifetime of hopes and dreams in within a casket. He also had to deal with my grandmother passing away a few years back as well so there's that.
The years he spent fighting like hell to get me to where I am would've all been wasted. I'm supposed to have a "fast-track" to graduation because of all the AP's among other things I did in HS, I will have 0 debt when I graduate as well and yet I still can't help but feel like nothing but a failure, a threat, parasite, etc. I was waitlisted then rejected from one of the best liberal arts schools in the USA despite all my trying (some people did tell me to be realistic since I've lived in some of the poorer areas of my city and education is consistently ranked among the worst, so my application would always lag behind those with more resources -- apparently), and the only ones with a good name attached to them that I did get into didn't give me much to attend. So I had to settle for a university near to where I live, it's not bad but I can't see it as anything but accepting diffidence. Along with that, when it comes to people I am still behind an entire lifetime it feels like. I've been nothing but some terrible animal to those around me it seems and I have so much anxiety somedays that every waking moment is spent breathing heavily, sweating, and almost breaking down at times -- even getting headaches, shivers, etc.
So now I'm here, with life basically figured out if I play my cards right but it feels too late sometimes, like I'm not the person to be in this position. Life hasn't built me to be someone as tough as my father, only broken me to have some of the most vile ideas invade my mind where sometimes I think I'm not just a danger to myself but others. It's a preventative measure and an escape; I cannot find my way around this. I also chose the most useless degree -- English, and even then I still probably made some grammar mistakes in this post but I don't really care at this point -- as well so even if I manage to graduate as planned, I'm not sure I'll be able to make something of myself. I wish he could just let me go, but I know it's a fantasy to think a dad would accept his son going like that even if he understood my misery.
Anyways, that's just my little rant I guess.
The years he spent fighting like hell to get me to where I am would've all been wasted. I'm supposed to have a "fast-track" to graduation because of all the AP's among other things I did in HS, I will have 0 debt when I graduate as well and yet I still can't help but feel like nothing but a failure, a threat, parasite, etc. I was waitlisted then rejected from one of the best liberal arts schools in the USA despite all my trying (some people did tell me to be realistic since I've lived in some of the poorer areas of my city and education is consistently ranked among the worst, so my application would always lag behind those with more resources -- apparently), and the only ones with a good name attached to them that I did get into didn't give me much to attend. So I had to settle for a university near to where I live, it's not bad but I can't see it as anything but accepting diffidence. Along with that, when it comes to people I am still behind an entire lifetime it feels like. I've been nothing but some terrible animal to those around me it seems and I have so much anxiety somedays that every waking moment is spent breathing heavily, sweating, and almost breaking down at times -- even getting headaches, shivers, etc.
So now I'm here, with life basically figured out if I play my cards right but it feels too late sometimes, like I'm not the person to be in this position. Life hasn't built me to be someone as tough as my father, only broken me to have some of the most vile ideas invade my mind where sometimes I think I'm not just a danger to myself but others. It's a preventative measure and an escape; I cannot find my way around this. I also chose the most useless degree -- English, and even then I still probably made some grammar mistakes in this post but I don't really care at this point -- as well so even if I manage to graduate as planned, I'm not sure I'll be able to make something of myself. I wish he could just let me go, but I know it's a fantasy to think a dad would accept his son going like that even if he understood my misery.
Anyways, that's just my little rant I guess.
